Category: Personal
The life and times of John Fontana — personal blog posts about things John is dealing with / going through / thinking of / experiencing.
Freedom is a beautiful thing, just not in America
Last week, Bush said he was not bothered by the planned protests. ”I’m so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their minds,” he said. ”That’s fantastic. Freedom is a beautiful thing.”
So, El Presidente Estupido, if freedom is such a beautiful thing, how come you force protestors in your own country into free speech zones?
Of course, while you are over in Britian, you aren’t going to be able to have an iron fist dictatorship to keep you from seeing negativity aobut yoru visit… Youc an preach about freedom, but it doesn’t mean you grant it in the country you rule.
Knife Time
Well, it looks like it will be WEDNESDAY for me when I finally deal with this leg thing once and for all.
That’s right, kiddies, I’m going under the knife again in 6 days (almost five now). I knew it was coming up, that is why i was whining and bellyaching a little more the past week. That’s why I was missing a little more over the last week.
6 Days – that was quite a shock when I heard that was one of the possible dates…
Yes, it was only one of the possible dates but I’m sitting here knowing I am fading with my leg strength, as I have been since I got out of the hospital in September… I’m having more problems and damnit – if I don’t try to fight this stuff, it’s going to get worse and worse until I’ll be forced into a worse spot than I am in now.
And folks, I’m in a bad spot now. My friends have known it, my family knows it. I’ve known it since I came to in the hospital in August after the last operation….
So what’s going to be the deal witht he Stonegauge over the time? Well, instead of putting a muffler on the site, the guest writers will come out of the woodwork again. Certain people still have their accounts but I’ve also talked to a couple of my good friends who will be trying to keep things running while I am out of action.
My buddy Keith from Calgary, Alberta; my FSU-attending, U of F loving bud-ette, Terra; my Nebraska Corn-husker friend, Melanie…
Fear the Posse, people, fear the Posse :evil
SO I got until Tuesday. WHo knows what the deal will be the next few days. I got to get my shit in order online and off… And figure out how I am going to live life Post-op…..
Platonic brotherly lust
~*~ Secret Diaries ~*~ of the Fellowship of the Ring
Day 36 :
Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.
Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so good at.
Frodo and Sam, sitting in the tree….
There are secret diaries for each of the LOTR (Fellowship) characters… OR at least most of them. Check out the site!
Request?
Can someone give me a swift kick in the ass?
That or some assistance getting on the ball again with, say, everything?
I’ve got some push here and there but not push for what matters….
Don't Chat For America
What does the word MODERATOR mean? What is it’s definition. Our good friends over at Dictionary.com have it defined as this:
mod·er·a·tor ( P )
n.
One that moderates, as:
One that arbitrates or mediates.
One who presides over a meeting, forum, or debate.
The officer who presides over a synod or general assembly of the Presbyterian Church.
Physics. A substance, such as water or graphite, that is used in a nuclear reactor to decrease the speed of fast neutrons and increase the likelihood of fission.One who, or that which, moderates, restrains, or pacifies.
The officer who presides over an assembly to preserve order, propose questions, regulate the proceedings, and declare the votes.
That’s just some of the definitions of the word moderator. In esscence, a moderator is supposed to step in and stop things from going to shit. THey are supposed to keep the fighting from happening. They are supposed to keep the balance.
I know this first hand, I administrated on FanHome.com, I moderated there before I administrated and got plenty of first-hand experience.
Why the hell these chat-heads can’t get the fucking clue what it means to moderate is beyond my. They don’t want to step in when one of the chat regulars starts blasting other regulars in the room. They “aren’t your parents” and they think everything should be dealt with in private.
Right, like someone who says “Fuck off, fuck you and don’t send me private messages” is going to deal with problems?
Lack of moderating shows cowardice by anyone on any web site that doesn’t want to be made to look like the bad guy. It’s just a fucking online world, people! You think some nitwit shoudl be allowed to bash the very people you are trying to coax into using your service? What are you, retarded?
This goes for any message board / chat room that you go into. You may tell me that “to go and stifle someone even if he isn’t being the best person in the world is censorship” is also something I believe is complete and utter horseshit. Censorship is when the first ammendment, in a public area, is silenced. To tell someone to restrain themselves in a PRIVATE web site, to step in and shwo someone physically that they are wrong for how they are acting by suspending them or booting them isn’t censorship either – it’s trying to kepe things worthwhile for everyone else.
Cops are supposed to be moderators. Constables of the Peace are supposed to keep crime down, keep the world livable for everyone else… Surely someone can’t complain that they are censoring you if you get arrested for a crime you commit… They broke the law, they infringed on someone else’s life.
Same goes for online chat. Or message board useage. If you break the law or infringe on someone else’s life, someone coming down on you should be expected.
And if moderators don’t have the balls to do it, then they should be canned.
It’s outrageous and ironic that htis is happening with Howard Dean’s campaign. He complains that the beltway boys in Washington won’t step forward and say / do shit against George W. Bush because they don’t want to look like bad guys. It’s the exact same with these nitwits who are overseeing chat. If they won’t step in and do something — why the fuck are they there in the first place? They sure ain’t moderating.
Hair Apparent / So I beg ya
Oh sweet Jesus, I got a haircut. .
Anyone who knows me, knows I tend to grow my hair in really long — a pretty good mop top. My hair was ratty and overgrown and not cut evenly (I had trimmed it twice myself and that was only to give me more visibility from my eyes instead of seeing hair) and generally was just a mess…
I’d give you a picture but I haven’t taken a picture in the longest time.
Now? Now I have a close cropped ‘do with no sideburns. Dear god — NO SIDEBURNS. I feel naked. I told the barber that I felt violated after I saw all my hair falling to the floor. It’s not just long hair, but it’s thick too (wonder if that will give the ladies any ideas? :tongue) and it was just… well, it was mine. Damnit, mine.
But now I am good to go another year without a haircut so :tongue j/k… I’ll probably keep things more closely cropped in the future, but who knows.
Meanwhile, I’m only 162 pages into Stephen King’s newest Dark Tower tome, Wolves of the Calla. I spent the entire day yesterday just sitting around in boxer shorts and reeding. The thing is over 700 pages long in total and that means I gotta put my nose to the grindstone with it.
I read slow though. Why? Because I enjoy it. I don’t shovel something into my brain, I savor it… Maybe that is why I am an impassioned, sensitive person? I savor what I experience — even if it’s negative. Does that make me a sadist too? :tongue I’d rather be a happy-ist, and of course those who have talked to me have seen me more like my old self lately….
Words that make you call out Poo
It’s funny how I was believing that writing was a salvation from drowning or being destroyed by reality, and i haven’t had the ability to write anything or want to write anything for a while now.
Check the journal, you can see the rants haven’t been there — they’ve been snippets here and there, not much more. In some cases they’ve been a few paragraphs, but the substance? What has the substance been?
Words, feelings, worries, blah blah blah blah blah.
I’m in a rut, no thanks to life as I know it an my health making life shit for me. I’m in a rut even trying to do what I know I am capable of doing. Self doubt, maybe procrastination… they are both stifling what I used to covet.
And of course the lack of creativity right now… The lack of a market… The lack of some push from something or someone special…
I feel like I am oblivion incarnate, or perhaps the embodiment of what is wrong with this world. I need some time – or a vacation from my life, from myself… from my worries and doubts… Maybe I just nee d a trip to Euphoria again? Happiness seems like such a distant land, even though I can find contentment shooting the shit up with some of my friends.
Maybe that’s all I should be relying on now? The little help from my friends when my Friends need a little help from my humor? There’s got to be more to my life though — I couldn’t stay sane with just that alone…. Though I am edging insanity as is.
From bad to worse
Come on baby, gonna take a little ride
Down, down by the ocean side
Gonna get real close
Gonna get real tight
Come on babe, gonna drown tonight
Going down, down, down….
Things are real bad right now. Steadily getting worse. Through all this I want to talk with one person. I want to go back to the past with one person.
The past is dead though. If not by time, by actions of others. By words, by decisions. I can’t bring myself to try to bring up the past through the hurt and at the same time if I do it will only lead to more hurt. Not the comforting hand that I so dearly miss. And I know that the other side won’t make an attempt.
It’s my own shred of selfishness… but of course my shred doesn’t include pushing people away, avoiding, falsely accusing, falsely blaming, ignoring and the like.
And through all this, I still miss her. Or at least miss the memory of what she once was and what she’s trying to distance herself from.
Ow my back
I heard that you were feeling ill
Headache, fever, and a chill
I came to help restore your pluck
‘Cause I’m the nurse that likes to….
….talk? :tongue
Stir Crazy
I’m going insane. Slowly but surely, I am going insane.
You see, I’ve been without the ability to walk safely for several months now and I have been houseridden since September since I had surgery on my upper back. During that time my leg muscles have gotten stronger but alas — the nerves running to my legs have only gotten weaker and my balance has also suffered.
I live on the 2nd floor of a house that is anything but a place for a disabled person to live. I have the damnedest time getting up and down the stairs and it takes an effort. When I am downstairs, I either have to use a walker or I have to roll around in a wheelchair. This is a big departure for me, as I used to walk for miles just for the hell of it. Now I can’t bring myself to walk very well because my legs have given out on me.
So I’m forced to do up-and-down the stairs and around-the-house a few hundred times a day and that is the extent of me getting around, and it is driving me fucking insane. You are probably wondering “Why aren’t you going outside, John?” The answer to that question is because of the “stoop” that I have to get over to get out the door while wheelchair bound. Even WHEN I get out the door, sometimes I have my parents and brother carelessly parked so I can’t exit the walkway because their cars are in the way.
And when I get around the car? If I get around the car? Then it’s a matter of my own strength and my own determination to get down the block – which is a difficult task in a wheelchair when you have a hill that slants the sidewalk. I being a wheelchair novice, have the damnedest time trying to deal with that, and end up annoyed and just plain tired with pushing myself by the time I reach a certain point two or three houses away.
I am going oh so crazy. Six, five, four, three, two, one, switch.
(anyone remember Sharon, Lois and Bram? :tongue)
SO up and down and around and around and around the first floor is my flight plan if anything and even THEN — staying inside — I have too many things in my way or making it tough for me to get around — tables positioned a certain way, chairs in the way, my mothers sandals kicked out in the open, end tables, etc, etc, etc.
This house is no place for a disabled person and this thing that some woudl argue is a life, is not worth living right now. Purpose escapes me, the simple refuge of gettin gaway also escapes me. How I lust for the past… Walking for miles just for the hell of it seems so long ago. The shopping centers where I would go seem so far away now… So far away when you just can’t get out there on your own….
Missed being wanted
Terra Cassiday: omg, seriously like i was like i need to tell john this, as if like u were one of my deep down true “girlfriends” crazy.. i dont know if i am explaing this all to well
It feels great to be important to someone like that again. Though I know this (what Terra said) is the truth with others out there as well…
Chat community I actually enjoy
Well, it’s taken me years to find a group – small but cool — to chat with that I can consistently come back to. Non idiots, people who will actually speak…
…all older than me though, it seems…
A Non-Happy Hallow-weenie
Oh you gotta love this shit…
CNN.com – Girls pummel man who exposed himself – Oct. 31, 2003
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (Reuters) — A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said Friday.
Catholic School Girls Gone Wild!!!! Kicking ass and taking names at a video store near you! Content is kid safe because, damnit, the Pope and the nuns at school wouldn’t look forward to it being any other way! :biggrin
Seriously though – i knew girls who had crazy bastards do this to them before – flash them and what not — and I like seeing a sexual predator like this get is come-uppance
Misperceptions
I feel like right now every perception I have is false. I feel like every desire I have had is just a fantasy and that I am not allowed to truly experience them.
I feel like I’ve painted a picture of people and that they aren’t the true images of those people – the true images are an uglier color that doesn’t have a rosie meaning.
I can’t get rid of my misperceptions and only have torture of my soul when I see clearly.
Then again, my soul is a constant tortured mass that has been cursed by one power that be or another.
What have I done to deserve such a fate
I realize I have left it too late
And so it’s true, pride comes before a fall
I’m telling you so that you won’t lose all
The rut
…grows deeper and deeper each day.
Surgery doesn’t seem that far off on the horizon – I need to make a move with that if certain agencies would get back to me.
And there’s stuff I want to ramble about in here but it’s too late, tonight to drag the past out into the light…. Or too late period, unless someone else figured a resurrection was worth it.
Rejection
If I don’t already have enough of this in my life….
I was rejected from Glimmer Train Press’ Very Short Fiction contest. :sad
One down, two to go…
Writers….
Ever struggle to just do basic things in writing — like your own private journal?
Or assignments hanging over your head?
Or emails?
Or anything that requires some work?
That’s me right now :sad
Failures
The weekend with my legs totally sucked. I had hurt my ankle on Friday and didn’t know how bad it was until Saturday when I couldn’t walk on it any more. On Sunday I was confined to my room and only able to get up and around again on Monday.
Things seem a lot better today – Tuesday — but Bob, my physical therapist, is telling me that the tumor is really fucking up the works for me and I need to have that removed one way or another.
Yes, I know this — I know it quite well. The problem is the consequences of surgery which is making me delay any decision.
You see, I live at home still because of my medical condition and that house happens to be 2 stories. My friends know this, but for some of my other readers who have been on the site lately, I know you don’t.. This tumor that is screwing up my legs — when it’s removed, may cost my use of my legs, period. That presents a problem for me because my house is not disabled friendly and my parents plan post-op doesn’t work. They want to change the den and laundry room into an apartment (no windows mind you ) for my disabled ass. When I talk about finding an alternative – they seem to think I am bullshitting. I do NOT want to continue living in this house, I do not want to live in a sarcophagus and have it defined as a room. I can’t LEAVE the house when I am in a wheelchair right now because of quirks around the house that make it tough for a wheelchair bound person to move around and get out. I can’t get around the house when I am in a wheelchair because of halls not being wide enough and what not.
And they want me to stay because it’s the simplest answer for them – do something that makes their lives easier while I suffer. “Just as long as you don’t interrupt us smoking our cigarettes and playing our computer games and watching our sitcoms, everything will be fine.” :sad
That’s not the truth – the last few months have proven that not to entirely be the truth but at the same time, it’s a long standing truth that shows up at one point or another. I think accepting their solution is just along the lines of this — “Don’t second guess us — take what we give you and don’t give us grief….even if our solution gives you grief.”
:sad
A jovial refrain of Na Na Na;s
I don’t know what it is about this song but after watching the video performance of the song, after listening to it for years, I can find some comfort in it when I am at either emotional extreme – when things seem right or things are wrong.
Wrong being what they’ve been for a while now…
At any rate, the song is Hey Jude. I doubt anyone else finds the euphoria or the comfort in the song that I find every time I hear it… I can get lost in the music (or just get lost in the sound) and I can also read the lyrics at one point or another and find some shred of hope… This stanza for example….
You’re waiting for someone to perform with
And don’t you know that it’s just you, hey Jude, you’ll do
The movement you need is on your shoulder
Julian Lennon is really a lucky son of a bitch when I think about it. I mean, the guy has gone through hell (his own personal one) but this song is a song for him — McCartney came up with it on a drive over to see Julian during his parents divorce and was trying to cheer him up with the song. They’ve always been friends from what I know…
And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain
Don’t carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it’s a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Sorry I haven’t been paying attention to that verse, Paul… It would seem that is something I need to remember in the future — that being merry or attempting a positive demeanor even when things are grim are better than foolishly bringing down the world around you and bumming those around you out.
The other verses are great too, but unfortunately they don’t hold true in this portion of my life. I practiced them when they were possible – as best I could – and instead of things ending in a euphoric refrain, the melody was turned off and the chorus was shunned.
Oh when can I start to make things better? How can I start to make things better? A few Na-Na-Na’s aren’t going to accomplish that….
Sunk again
The smart ass in me is alive and well lately as I am noticing but my humor is increasingly sarcastic and mired with doubts of every sort with regards to things around me right now.
It’s funny, I’ve been reading other blogs (Defective Yeti for example, Plenty of others that get sent my way by Mel and through my own glances at Blo.gs ) and no one I’ve seen is getting this personal about whining or about their lives (I haven’t seen at least) unless they have an entertaining anecdote or something….
My anecdotes don’t even tell the full story and some people think this is a good way to gauge my life :rolleyes Maybe I’ll have an amusing or entertaining anecdote sometime soon? I could really use a change of pace, honest. Enough of this shit-on-by-life, pushed-aside, maligned, used, abused and just phuckered in general bullshit which I am putting up with.
In a play of words from the LA Woman…
Motel, Money, Murder, Madness
Lets change the mood from SAD to GLADNESS
….if “gladness” is even a word…?
When I need a pick-me-up….
When I gotta laugh….
When I need to heave and choke on humor….
When things are bleak or members of each gender define the words “bitch” or “asshole”….
I can always count on Bash.org to make things right in the world once again… Well maybe not, but it gets me to the point I wanna piss myself with laughter….
Lilt I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
And-1 Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
ThatIsDamnGood: Stupidity is an inexhaustible natural resource
ThatIsDamnGood: Someday we’ll learn to generate electrical power from it
ThatIsDamnGood: And it will change the worldMurdoc sometimes i wonder if the fig leaf on Eve’s twat is actually an air freshener
pleb hey how long does it take to get back the results from a fertility test?
Ouroboros Do you have a girlfriend?
pleb yeah
Ouroboros 9 months.
**sigh** Ah, Bash… I love you so… :kiss
(and mind you, folks, these things get a lot raunchier than what I cared to post on my site :smile)
The Lou One has Spoken
SO what’s up with Assignment Six and the Long Ridge Writers Group?
I got my last assignment back Monday and things were sort of discouraging with it. Not that I screwed up anywhere or my concept story wasn’t good enough… Just the fact I guess things weren’t as well as I wanted them to be even though I thought they were good,. The concept, the title, etc…
Going back and doing the story now, after I sent in the synopsis that Lou edited doesn’t seem to be what I want to do… I’m conflicted what I will do…
Deanfilter
There will most likely be another entry tonight but I wanted to invite anyone interested in Politics and specifically the Howard Dean campaign to check out DeanFilter.com and it’s new Forum format….
It’s a great place to discuss the 2004 election. Of course — it’s also still in the process of being designed… Your input counts, ya know? :wink
Play along
- Country::
- G::
- Offer::
- Connection::
- Quest::
- Lighthouse::
- Sycamore::
- Inhumane::
- Sneer::
- Weapon::
More Unconscious Mutterings. My answers are in the extended entry…
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Drowning
If someone would like to throw me a life preserver, please…. I don’t know how much more of this life I can take….
Abilities
Some people in the world will never have to experience the nuisance of a muscle pull or will barely notice it. Others will never have to go through the aches of a broken limb and the difficulties that transpire because of it. Some will never meet someone with Downs Syndrome in person or perchance will never see someone who is wheelchair bound – if you can believe that.
Some people will go through life never having limped around for weeks because of a sprained ankle. Some people will never know how demoralizing it is to go through the world in a wheelchair when certain places in the world do not consider you a person. Some people will never know how it feels to have muscles fail on you not from exertion but because of injury…
Some will go most of there lives without being in the hospital for more than a couple of hours to see a birth. While others won’t even comprehend or try to understand the limitations that people have and the difficulties these people have going through life.
Blind. Deaf. Amputee. Arthritis. Those are just some basic things that can limit someone…
The whole catch to this is trying to understand these people and the problems they face. Most of you — and I am assuming about the reader base — will never have to know some of these problems and I’m glad to know it. Others know it full well. Some can comprehend, some can’t. Some won’t even try and I pity them…. Others think they know it but demoralize in there attempts to help.
Here’s hoping you never have to go through some of the shit I am right now — struggling to do basic things, struggling to make my life feel normal (which it isn’t). Here’s hoping you can comprehend the difficulties that others face… And that you’ll know how to act (and not avoid, or look away) when faced with problems from others or even yourself.
Something Fishy here
All right, I admit, I was a !Fishy! addict up until a few minutes ago. I would continiously play this game and try to eat as many fish as possible… Very fun, good way to waste time…
Well, until Beat the damned thing…
…as a child
There was a lot in this dream and a lot I can’t remember now. Most of the images don’t stand out in my head any more but I know when I dreamed there was a plot and a point to things. Everything made sense at the time, as dreams normally do, and even though random strange events came into being – things turned out OK.
I remember Pepsi. Having a glass while talking with my mom… I remember getting the mail with my mailbox in the back yard, and there being a ton of mail to bring in. I remember the family cars being different and having some strange abilities to them. Well, not strange abilities to them, but the trunks were different. They were funky and 4-doors themselves.
It was my neighbor from across the street who stands out in the dream — who it turned out to be and what was going on. It was a special day for her and for some reason there were two of them in that house: one was a newborn infant that was being tended to by her mother while the other that I dealt with was a kid… a little kid that claimed she was 12 but was obviously a lot younger than that. She talked but barely listened. Preached but couldn’t comprehend when told something.
I can’t remember much more to the dream… what else happened before me waking up…. But it was a very vivid dream at the time. Feelings evoked and images shown and the like….
So anyway, I’ve got therapy in a little while… My left leg has been really weak lately while my right is very strong. Strange It’s a role reversal. It was vice versa in the hospital and in the last few weeks.
One last note — Mike gave me Reloaded last night and i have to agree with Merovingian: The French language is like wiping your ass with silk… it just flows and caresses…
The Greater Pastime
Old poem… don’t really have an entry due tot he torture of the give and take….
Baseball… The greater Passtime…
The grass is green,
and newly cut,
on a bright and glorious day.
The stands are full with people cheering,
who came out, to watch them play
The pitcher, the catcher, the rightfielder,
The man at shortstop and second base,
These and the others are called upon,
To boost the home team’s play.
They go through the innings,
And at the end: haven’t both teams won?
For to play the game of baseball,
is the most glourious thing to be won.
© 1992 John P. Fontana
Thoughts….
I’m thinking too much right now….
About my pager and the conversation I had today with Michelle who gave me props for the story I made mention of on here yesterday….
About Melanie’s new journal online – Which I recommend.
About the fact the Marlins just whooped the Cubs…
About how Mike was pissed when he found out I got him a 100+ dollar birthday gift last month (even though his Birthday was in August) and how he started nagging me for what I wanted for my birthday….
About Glimmer Train Publications and wondering if I am wasting my time waiting for them
About the truth, about the lies, about the silence, avoidance, dismmisal… The wall.
About how Bill just dropped me a lien from my old computer, set up in his apartment in Orlando. Unexpectedly but pleasant all the same.
About how it seems Bill already has the blaster worm. Damnit.
About “Peter’s Problem” — the fact it needs a title and the fact I need to get my ass in gear and finish writing that thing.
About the fact that there are other things I need to write that could lead to bigger things — vague, yes, but a previous post I made that is also vague is part of the explination…
About how I had no idea what to write today except song lyrics. I never heard One Headlight by the Wallflowers but I wanted to post the lyrics.
About ‘Round Here:
But the Girl on the car in the parking lot says, “Man you should try and take a shot
“Can’t you see my walls are crumbling?”
And she looks up at the building,
Says she’s thinkin’ of jumpin’
She says she’s tired of life,
She must be tired of somethin’!
‘Round here
She’s always on my mind
‘Round here (hey man)
I’ve got lots of time
‘Round here
We’re Never sent to bed early
And nobody makes us wait
‘Round here we stay up very very very very late
….
Oh man, I said I’m under the gun ’round here….
And I can’t see nothing. Nothing. Around here….
That’s what I’m thinking about…..
"The Art of…" Writing
SoN I’ve been giving a lot of people crap over the last few weeks aobut a story I had been working on – it’s a story I came back to about 2 or 3 weeks ago and just decided to finish with regards to finally putting the idea down on paper and … well, FINISHING it.
It’s a nice piece of work, IMHO. I have to thank Tim for helping me out with a suggestion for the end. Big props!
This is the first story I’ve written without being tied to Long Ridge. I’m still a student, but I did this thing on my own and I’m pretty proud of it. Just shy of 3000 words, so it’s a bit longer than most of my stories I have written so far, but there are required thoughts because I did something with this story I never do with my writing:
I wrote it in the first person.
This isn’t an autobiographical tale, of course. It’s about a guy who gets fired and puts off dealing with it and gets in more trouble with his life. If and when it gets published — big If seeing how many authors are out there — I’ll post it here. Maybe I’ll submit it to Glimmer Train before the month is over?
It’s a good story. Those who are interested in reading it — just drop me a line.
Now all I have to do is get back to another couple of stories — Peter’s Problem for instance – which I am trying to write about in a notebook offline seeing I have reached an impasse with the story on my computer.
*Sigh* escape.
Just a little taste — part two
In a previous entry, I had given the opening of an ongoing story I am writing that hasn’t yet reached it’s end point and hasn’t yet been edited.
I think some people read that piece of writing and jumped to the wrong conclusions and got on me in part for it — others were just bored to shit and didn’t know what to make of it.
I’m posting the next little snippet just to keep myself occupied….
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The good with the bad….
My friend Nikki put up a post on her Livejournal that just happened to strike a cord in me…
Things are so different but a lot is the same….
Lots of differences, lots of the same **sigh**
Lives
We’re all born into the world and take on a physical life for ourselves. Through the course of our existence on the planet, we live thousands of lives even if we aren’t aware of them.
Different personalities show up at different points and they tend to have a life of their own, for example. The smart ass, the looker, the jock, the know-it-all, the slut, the crybaby, the actor, the liar, the whiner, etc, etc… All these different personality traits alone have lives of their own and you live them as you go from the day you are born to the day of your demise.
It doesn’t stop there.
You live your life – your life changes before you and you tend to adjust to the new conditions. These adjustments change you as a person and it can be said that you start a new life under these new conditions. You strive for a goal in this life, perchance, and when you achieve it – your life changes again and a new goal is set… Or perchance you have something taken away, an injury, a social malignancy? Again, your life changes — you start living a NEW life as you try to come to grips with these new parameters that surround you.
And of course there are social lives. With every single person you interact with, you forge a tie that can be called it’s own life. Only ones that you are close to you tend to create a more intimate life with them (significant others). The catch to the entire thing is that you don’t have to have things in common for this life to be born. You don’t need to be going in the same direction in life… Your connection is a life that the two of you create together. It’s your commitment to that life that could alter your other lives or not.
Lives are all around us – Physical lives, emotional lives, psychological lives and the like… The question to you is, are you willing to see a life through, or will you kill it if it stands in the way of another life? Will you abort a life that doesn’t fit the moment? Or perchance embrace it and see other lives come crashing down because of it?
The morning show
So I am up early with thoughts running through my mind once I woke up… Plus a headache that has lasted a day already.
What’s on my mind? Well, a couple of things and none of them are things I want to end up doing because that’s not the type of person I am. Sound vague? It’s supposed to…
Here’s hoping that you, the reader, have a good day…
They needed scientists to figure this out?
Taken from: “The Anatomy of a Broken Heart”
A social snub and a big-toe stub can generate a similar response in the brain, suggesting emotional and physical pain are more closely related than was previously thought.
They needed to conduct a fucking study to figure this out? You’ve got a 24 year old sitting here who’s known this since… oh… I don’t know… Childhood? They could have just sent me a fucking questionnaire and they would have found out the truth to this.
I could have also told them that happiness and euphoria were just as good as sex, but they’ll probably need to conduct a separate study to figure that one out too… :rolleyes
Birthdays
Happy Birthday, John Ono Lennon,….
Happy Birthday Kiley — my first cousin, once removed. She was born around 1 PM, weighing in at 6 pounds, 9 ounces. Congratulations, Amber! :biggrin
Lack of comprehension
It really bugs me… not just bugs me – hurts me — when I have someone close to me not able to comprehend what I’m going through with my life and doesn’t seem to open up to try to understand it better.
Who am I talking about? My brother.
You see, Mike decided to get on me because he found out a birthday gift I got him cost a bit of cash.. This is the same guy who gave me an LCD monitor as a gift last year… Him bitching about expensive gifts is the last thing he should be doing. At any rate, he also wanted me to watch the first season of Alias and got on me when he found out I hadn’t been wasting my time watching it all day every day.
He then got on me for my time spent online and told me I really needed to just drop online friends period.
Great, Mike, you hit the nail on the head with something I would love to do. Did you forget that I lost my hearing a few years back and it makes physical conversation difficult (so much so that if you won’t make an attempt to talk to me, why do you think others will)? How about the fact that I don’t have a social job right now, compared to yourself, that gets me out in the open every day? Well, before you harp on me about having a job, how about the fact you see I am a gimp right now and walking around with a walker? Struggling up and down the stairs every day and a god-damned shut in up until I get a wheelchair? Does that, possibly, make any more sense to you why I deal with anyone online instead of going out right now…?
It’s not like I gave up on life… Unlike the man who harped on me for not sitting on my ass and just watching movies all day… No… I try to accomplish with the little bit of ability I have to do stuff (writing, web design). Maybe I talk to people online but it’s not like it’s a wide plethora of people. In fact it’s a closing world of people….
Sorry to whine, sorry to rant, sorry to have the bar at the Pity Party open for business… I just had to vent my frustrations.
Assignmente's
Well, on a sidenote from yesterday that I forgot to mention, I received my last assignment package from Long Ridge Writers Group. It made me feel sorta proud and at the same time -nervous all over again if I am going to be able to complete this shit or not…. Between the two assignments there was some 300+ pages, it would seem. I’m probably exaggerating but at the same time there’s a good chance I am not.
I’m also having worries about having the oomphf to do assignment 6. Not the writing but I mean I am already committed to this story concept.. I’d rather be able to wing it again. Write on my terms, etc…
Actually this IS on my terms, I wrote the opening and concept for the story — I just don’t want to be committed to it right now because I had to stop cold instead of continuing on with the story when the idea was fresh in my mind….
Night note
I was right… :rolleyes
Anyway, my day was bah humbug for the most part. Not that I was sour towards my birthday or things happening but nothing much happened. I DID however have a kick ass workout and surprised my trainer with my strength. That made me feel good for the entire day.
I also had a couple fo dreams last night that I am still trying to understand. I can’t remember all of them but I know I won a writing contest… no, correction… I came in second place (as “stonegauge” — not as my real name) and had money coming to me. I then had a bunch of stuff happen and I snuck off — grabbed a gun from someone and went to deal with Mexican revolutionaries inside a cave who were shooting a movie? Strange… I killed Pancho Villa and a couple of other guys… They thought the gun had blanks… sucks to be them huh….
Now if only that made more sense to me.
As of right now, 2 percent of the precincts in California are reporting and CNN and the media is declaring winners. This really pisses me off because they screwed up like this in 2000. Why declare it so early??
Well, I can’t say much more… Actually I could but it’s not my time to talk.
D-Day…. B-Day
There’s just one thing I want today even though I know I won’t get it. It’s not big in physical form and it’s not small when it comes to meaning… At least not to me, it at least puts me at peace.
YOU BORN TODAY You have humor, imagination and a sense of the human story. Personally, you’re capable. But privately, you have a romantic soul. You will give your all for love. Everyone knows you are a free spirit; yet you value your origins. Major changes lie ahead. Fear not: They are favorable.
You Born Today: You are a committed idealist, which means you have your moments of rebellion. You want to make changes for the better in the world. You are strong-minded and know how to organize the efforts of those around you You will always do what you believe is right. Work hard this year for rewards in 2005. Birth date of Toni Braxton, singer
I also found out Vladimir Putin’s birthday is today… I know I share it with John Melloncamp and a few other famous people…
*Sigh* Back to the grind….
Mi Dia
Bill Erickson’s niece, Emma Christine (don’t know her last name) was born around 1 PM EDT this afternoon. I don’t know all the stats but I will post them when I have them.
An hour later, my neighbor since I moved into my current residence, Mila, passed away at 83… She’s been through some real hardships the last 14 years and plenty more before we ever moved in. It will be strange living in a world without her
I’ve just found out my Aunt will be on MSNBC on December 4th… Certainly something I would like others to see but as far as I know, things will fall apart worse before then…
This goes without saying a lot about me – as I would think that most of my journal entries have lately — they’ve made brief mentions about things going on on the Internet or perchance other opinions I have but not really talked about me. It’s assumed that I am doing fine if anyone at all is wondering how I am doing. Certainly my writing is a little more to-the-point yet short and meaningless if you really think about it. There have been a few cases where my posts have had a meaning and those who needed to know the meaning got it, unfortunately it just continued to put things in a bad light because I let emotions get to me by posting that in the first place…
At any rate, what is new with me? Besides writing, there isn’t much. I saw Doc Smith this morning and had a wheel chair prescribed to me. I’ve also had my mother bullshit me with regards to moving downstairs — into the windowless living room of the house and having an “apartment” int eh home. Why are we talking this? Because I need another operation and scheduling it is only being put off by my worries of life without legs/being wheelchair bound until further notice.
I started talking about moving out — It’d be simpler than the bullshit idea of converting a dark room into a bedroom apartment.
Personally I am right back where I was in… say, April and May 2002 when it comes to dealing with people I meet on line — they all turn out to be shallow. You might make someone laugh but they will ditch you if they see a picture they don’t like.
*sigh* Memories from the corner of my mind – when that stuff didn’t matter with a few people I met on here..
Emma Christine’s birthday present looks more and more like a Buccaneer win… Reminding me of something that happened 24 years ago tomorrow with the Giants beating the 5-0 Bucs (my father is a Giants fan). Wonder what tomorrow has in store for me if anything? Besides a Total Recall….
Doors closing, doors opening…
Well, it’s good to hear that a friend has it going good right now. after being down for a long while.
Now if I could only say the same… And the same goes for others as well… Karma that you spread is karma that you get, so I can’t say things will improve for anyone anytime soon…
A day
Bill Erickson’s sister is having labor induced… Her second daughter is due to arrive sometime today and I am feeling odd because I am surrounded (not really) by women having kids right now.
My cousin is due to have a baby in the next few days as well. Both of these women were due on the exact same day — October 14th…
And speaking of birthdays… you’re only a day away…. *sigh* :sad
Still looking for input
Still looking for input on submissions to a poetry contest. I got my favorites but I’d prefer to hear yours.
To your credit….
“I’ve fucked up, John, I’ve fucked up big time” — where have I heard these words before and how chilling was it to hear them again?
It would seem my friend Melinda has indeed fucked up and fucked up big time with her life and I got to hear all about it yesterday. Mel decided to forge credit card information and get a card in order to get a few things for herself – feminine stuff and “pampering” stuff.
And she got caught..
The sick thing was that when that came up – those around her (family, friends) encouraged her to leave and straighten out her life — which would have led to MORE problems because it’s a flight from prosecution (yes, she’s being prosecuted)
At least she’s facing up to it and staying here, but at the same time – getting herself in this mess to begin with… jeez… I’ve got a habit of meeting people like this…
Looking in all the wrong places
Someone from HS pops up on the web and you can’t get their email… unless you pay
Actually you can if you search hard enough. I guess I haven’t because I just can’t find the damn thing wherever I look….
In other news, you can review the comments on the test I gave if you want to know results or just want to comment on the damn thing….
Not much else to report- unproductive week and my legs aren’t doing well at all. I really need to stop pussyfooting around with things and get my ass in gear with something or other to mend my situation.