Month: December 2003
End of 2003 — thankfully
Hours left in 2003 and all I can say is GOOD RIDDENCE.
Between heart break, heart ache, hurt, physical difficulties, brain farts, anomolies, family fights, family plights, family deaths and trips to the vet, Bushisms, politics, unjustified wars, and even MORE bullshit, I am eager to see the year off and have hope that 2004 will be much more of a positive year for me and those around me than this year has been.
Here’s to you, 2003 — I entered you with optimism and exit you while in pain and misery…
In John's place…
Let me just say AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
If there is anything worse than being single, and having to deal with a roomate who just started dating, and is all lovey-dovey, I have no idea what it is.
I’d prefer Chinese Water Toture right about now.
Happy New Year to everyone!
MIA at the Stonegauge
Saturday was an interesting and annoying experience for me. Two days after the festivities of Christmas and instead of continuing the Christmas cheer, I was doubled over, moaning and whailing… First at home, then at Tampa General Hospital’s Emergency Room.
THat’s right, Johnny got a part on ER :tongue
Seriously, I spent most of Saturday at TGH waiting to go into the ER and then even more time wwaiting to have the doctor tell me exactly what I already knew — that I had some gut problems and that it was causing some pain.
…Not that the fucker perscribed me anything for it. :mad
I’ve been struggling personallly with this physical stuff the last few days – thus no entries. I don’t think any ofmy readers would mind that…
So this is Christmas…
Been up since 5:30 — still have insomnia but some pain killers i was perscribed in the hospital got me zonked out for a few hours…
…I’m happy to report that Christmas hasn’t been terrible here, nor has it been outstanding either (having to watch my younger brother Andy’s girlfriend’s son Austin throw up wasn’t very fun)… But it’s had it’s ups and downs.
The most notable up just occured when I was talking with Mike and presented him with his 3rd and final christmas gift — www.tasteofescape.com. Now, you may have read earlier this month that I had no clue what to get Mike and that he was discouraging me from getting him anything… He seemed genuinely enthused by the gift and offer to host his journal in the future (sharing web space on here). Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see him impressed with the gift.
Was there anything more groundbreaking or earth-shattering that Johnny recieved for X-mas? Well, besides clothes and a few material things, not really. I guess I was just looking forward to today more than the gift part of the day — the family part and the social stuff. Personally I would have loved to have gotten everyone in the fam. and my friends a few more things, but alas — this year it was impossible to pull that off on account of me being a gimp :tongue
Yule Log — Happy Christmas (the War ain't over though)
Happy Christmas (War Is Over)
By John Ono Lennon
(Happy Christmas Kyoko
Happy Christmas Julian)
So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
And so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let’s stop all the fight
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
A new one just begun
And so happy Christmas
We hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very Merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear
War is over, if you want it
War is over now
*Sigh* tis the season.
Today was a day I hopped to catch up on some things I have put off becasue of being so strung out and so pained over…
I was wrong…
:sleepy <-- where are you when I need you???
The lone bright spot after a week of Insomnia
Look at the time this is getting published. I am not a happy camper…
And at the saem time… Indeed I am a happy camper. I got m’self published again in the local rag…:
Rays’ LaMar must go
Published December 21, 2003
Since the inception of the Devil Rays there have been two constants for the franchise: mediocrity and Chuck LaMar. Each season LaMar shows his judgment of talent is less than stellar. Each season his sub 70-win teams earn him another year under contract.
Why is the worst executive in major-league baseball allowed to continue his free rein of ridiculousness? Why hasn’t LaMar been held accountable for the Rays never winning 70 games? For never placing outside of the cellar in the American League East? For poor signings, poor scouting, bad judgment, poor personnel moves? Please don’t feed me the “just look at who he is competing with in the American League East” logic. If the last few years have shown baseball fans anything, it’s that a good judge of talent and some key signings of players who aren’t necessarily superstars can put a team in contention.
The only thing LaMar’s decisions have led to is more futility, more ridiculousness and a further shroud of dread that follows the Devil Rays wherever they go. It’s high time LaMar and his front-office staff were finally held accountable for the mediocrity that is continually shown on field, and thus shown the door.
— John Fontana, Palm Harbor
Seems John remains absent, so here I am again. Today, a little more personal.
I just realized (it is 10:30 PM) that today is the 5th anniversary of my aunts murder. I also realized that I completely missed the 21st anniversary of my fathers death on the ninth. Two days from now will be the 7th anniversary of the death of one of my classmates.
I’m not sure what suprises me more. That it has been this long since all of these tragedies affected my life (and there are more), or that there have been so many of them that I cant even keep track of it anymore.
As you might now guess, Christmas isnt much of a celebratory day in my household. At least, on this holiday season, I have yet to see my family mentioned in one of those “be thankful for what you have” stories newspapers like to write.
In short, be thankful for what you have. Remind your loved ones how much you appreciate them this christmas. A few words are far more profound than some cheesy toy picked up at Walmart.
Zip Zaps + Cats = fun!
Ok, I’m in a juvenile mood, and it seems John cant make an entry yet tonight, so I’ll post on the fun that was my day…
You know those little hot wheels like RC cars that Radio Shack sells? If you have a cat, get one. Hours upon hours of entertainment.
Neat little idea those little RC cars, but seriously, why do people take these Zip Zaps so serriously? The official website offers tips on tinting the windows, and on making your own licence plates.
People post on forums about how they turn the stupid little things into rice rockets, much as they would their real cars (when mommy and daddy buy them one, that is).
Seriously people. THEY ARE TOYS!
But damn is it fun to screw with a cats mind with them. Hopefully my roommate doesnt kill me when she returns from visiting her family to a pair of paranoid felines worried about traffic congestion in the living room…
Between having to deal with the after-effects of my Monolith (my pet name for my computer) having a Trojan-Horse on Tuesday and me just feeling like complete shit right now becaue of pain and insomnia – getting up an entry in Der Stonegauge hasn’t been much of a priority lately.
That being said – I had to make it a priority today just because I violated my own rule about having to write each day to keep from being destroyed…. Finding something else in teh world instead of pain and discomfort is something that writing might help with….
At least for a few seconds until I am done with this entry…. like right now
Six years of Silence
You know, I was going to brush off this anniversary as another one that was a major milestone but also something I could forget because my day-to-day is busy enough without having to nit-pick at the past.
But it’s an interesting anniversary none the less — one that goes from silent to booming in 4 years and applies only when I’m lazy now.
I went deaf 6 years ago to the day.
I had an acoustical neuroma (egad, did I spell that right or wrong for the umpteenth time?) removed out in Los Angeles at St. Vincent’s Medical Center by doctor Derald Brackman and company… I woke up – not sure when, can’t recall what I was told in the past – with the only sounds in my head a constant tenninus and my own voice when I spoke. Of course, I hadn’t been able to hear much before that, as I had been constantly losing hearing in both ears since 12 or 13, but six years ago — my world went totally silent.
I can’t remember all the details – I checked in the night before to the hospital. I didn’t shave my head, like I should have done, and that resulted in a gnarly haircut… I do recall me quipping about the Big One hitting during the operation (“what happens then?” I asked those who were prepping me) and I can recall the immediate aftermath of surgery – being chained to a bed and being asked to touch my nose with my restrained hands.
Of course there is more to it – my life now with sound and the Auditory Brainstem Implant has beaten deafness. There are anecdotes from when I went deaf and the immediate aftermath to regaining my hearing in 2001 with the ABI… And of course me aborting setting up the ABI in March 1998 and delaying having sound back to begin with… but alas, that is for another time because my computer is in need of help.
Just a quick update at 6 AM becasue… well, Johnny hasn’t had a bit of shut-eye since he originally tucked himself in before midnight…
…oh how I love insomnia.
…With lack of much more to do right now (though I should be writing) I decided to offer my web design services to Mike Emmons and his District Seven campaign here in Florida. Of course there are bigger issues at stake than just his web site but of course – first things first and I am just a humble web designer who’s got one too many Political thoughts for his own good.
Emmons happened to be screwed in the IT field by Outsourcing. My only concern is his campaign is a one-trick pony like Nader’s was in 2000… He’s probably got more stances on more things and an idea what constituents are thinking of but right now his site reflects only one concern and thus – well, it leaves many to wonder how much this guy is supposed to be better than the incumbent?
There are a lot fo things I deducted looking at his page — room for improvement is there. The question is, can the passion of a presidential campaign rub off on a US House race and use some of the same logic? I am guessing that it very well could work.
RIP Keiko / Willy
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Sudden onset of pneumonia kills famous orca
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER STAFF AND NEWS SERVICES
Keiko, the killer whale made famous by the “Free Willy” movies, has died in Norwegian coastal waters where he remained after millions of dollars and a decade of work failed to coax him back to the open sea, his caretakers said early today.
The whale, which was 27, died yesterday afternoon after the sudden onset of pneumonia in the Taknes fjord. He was old for an orca in captivity, although wild adult orcas live an average of 35 years.
David Phillips, executive director of the San Francisco-based Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, said Keiko had been in good health but started showing signs of lethargy and loss of appetite on Thursday.
“This is a long, sad day for us,” Phillips said.
One of his handlers, Dale Richards, said Keiko died quickly. “We checked his respiration rate, and it was a little irregular … he wasn’t doing too well,” Richards told The Associated Press. “Early in the evening, he passed away.”
I was working for Weblink Communications in 1998 when the entire Keiko-to-freedom movement was really coming to a head and he was being moved to not only his new aquarium in the Pacific Northwest but then back to Iceland.
I can remember seeing the streaming video of Keiko (still in the Pacific Northwest) slamming his tail just before being lowered into his new aquarium where he was nursed back to health… There were thousands watching in person – children, Media, others – and they were all ecstatic to see Keiko reacting like this…
I continued following him in Iceland and his escapades there. Then Norway after last summer, when Keiko was “let loose” from his pen in Iceland and swam, on his own, to a fjord in Norway, back into captivity of sorts.
Keiko will always have my imagination and my hope — and though I don’t know when this re-introduction-to-the-wild will be tried again, I hope it does hapen. There are too many animals that live in squalor to entertain us that would be better off free.
Infighting on the Left
In the last few days, I’ve been taken for another political roller coaster from the left side of the political spectrum. I happen to be a liberal/progressive and that makes me vote Democrat / Green and support those candidates.
My regular readers should know this, my friends should be aware of this… Same with my allegiance to Howard Dean – it’s no secret.
What is a secret, or is something that I have touched on before but haven’t ranted about here on the Stonegauge, is that I am also in this crossroads politically. I have been there this summer after an incident with the local Green Party and I am there again because of national and local Democrats as well as the local Green Party.
Lets go back to Monday and Tuesday and Howard Dean getting an endorsement from former Veep Al Gore. This was a huge blow to others participating in the Democratic Primaries coming up, and none of them could muster enough nerve, during a debate Tuesday night, to actually raise their hand when Ted Koppel asked the group if Dean could beat George W. Bush.
Sour grapes, that is understandable for the most part – but it’s a continuing trend.
I have read today in the St. Petersburg Times Ed/Op – Letters To the Editor section that Gore’s endorsement should be considered “the Kiss of Death” for Howard Dean. I have seen others complain of Gore’s “betrayal” of Joe Lieberman… Forget the fact that Lieberman hasn’t won anyone over and just comes off as a nice guy for the most part – but hardly someone you want to lead you into a battle.
For some reason, these smallish grudges – Lieberman being snubbed by Gore, other candidates not believing in Dean because they hadn’t gotten major endorsements, etc — all just mystified the Democratic party to me. Why so much disdain for one another when everyone in the party is supposed to be working for the common goal of trying to improve America?
OK, lets take this to the local front now. The St. Petersburg Times letter section today probably put me in a defensive mood to begin with (though most letters were positive about the Dean / Gore endorsement). It put me on the defensive specifically because someone had brought up (as I mentioned above) the infighting among Democrats. I came online to check my email and got to read a local democrat putting down local Greens / Kurt Gratzol’s “tree Hugger” house party that he hosts every couple of weeks. The email in question talked about how Kurt and others at his parties (usual Greens) were just there to be brought back to the Democratic Party and actually using the term “Tree Hugger” wasn’t going to help their (Democrats) cause of trying to lure people back to the Democratic Party.
This ticked me off because, for the second time, I witnessed someone who was too concerned with the Democratic party give a care if he insulted another progressive/liberal. The email writer also didn’t / doesn’t seem to grasp the point that there is a difference between the Democratic Party and the Green Party and that the Democratic Party’s own actions is most likely the reason any Green has “broken off” away from the Dems in the first place.
A Green is still a liberal.
A Green is still a progressive.
A Green is an ally – not someone that needs to be “brought back” to the Democratic Party. You can go to them and vote for them just as much as they will probably vote Dem. in a general election where a Green candidate isn’t running. Why, in gods name, do you have to make a case for “bringing them back” into the fold? Or have to post an insult with regards to their politics in making your case that you are lobbying to get these people “back” to the Democratic party?
So where do I sit now? I don’t know. I am a leftist-progressive. I believe in the best in people… Yet it seems every opportunity the Left has to further make me feel comfortable, or make me feel tied to one party or another on the left, they screw it up in some way or another.
For instance, this summer when I was “forced out” of the local Green Party… I was called a “rubber spined…coward” for backing Howard Dean and believing the 2004 election was too important to vote for Principled Idealism. I had already grown disillusioned with local Greens because there was too much loony-left rhetoric, along with them lobbying for a Green presidential candidate (2004 is TOO IMPORTANT to the nation to have a split left vote again!)… This was the last straw when I was called a coward for not standing up to some ideal value of a candidate…
So I was no longer a Green.
I embrace Howard Dean and have met some very cool people through the Dean campaign so far, and will likely meet more as things continue to move ahead… But at the same time, I had posted about my Dean/Green incident and that inspired at least one nutcase to go and give me some grief for ever having been tied to the Green Party. Why? He was still pissed off over 2000 and just had to take a pock-shot at someone that actually voted for Ralph Nader.
Instead of welcoming a new supporter, or trying to make someone feel comfortable in political surroundings, this guy wants to coddle his own insecurities and ego by attacking and making snide remarks. GREAT way to win support :rolleyes
The infighting among the left can and will become the cause of defeat in 2004 unless the Democrats stop being such weak-willed cowards, stop being such infighting fools and start uniting for greater purpose. Stop trying to tear down the other guy because he doesn’t fit your ideal or doesn’t follow your beat in every step and start thinking about the bigger picture.
The bigger picture is what’s at stake — the very beacon of hope that the United States used to be. Why make a fuss over such petty things in politics and not just UNITE and CONQUER for the greater good of every citizen in the US and the world?
It’s not like this Ad does anything to stop my concerns about the Left vs. the Left either
After a week
So it’s been seven days since I was discharged from the Hospital. It’s funny I posted about “falling off the internet” last night because I haven’t heard from a lot of people I contacted about being under the weather / in the hospital again. Hmmphf, figures right? Find out who your true friends are…
Blash, tha twas mean spirited but at the same time, it does hold some water.
At any rate, how am I progressing? Am I doing better? Yes. In some lights. I am showing a lot of strength and a lot of other functions that were failing before the operation. On another side of things, my balance seems a little more screwed up. i don’t have the confidence to do certain easy-activities because I feel like I will fall or something like that. Gotta work on it.
Long road in front of me — a long road indeed but I am happy to be journeying down it once again instead of sitting around, feeling like I am in a car always stuck in Neutral.
Falling off the Internet
Is it just me or is conversation dead on the Internet?
I am trying to find people to chat with and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Trillian is fostering much hope. I am not getting people from Yahoo or AOL IM or any other program dropping me lines like they used to.
Of course, they probably all have lives or I seem a little too intense for anyone to have a discussion with… but at the same time, it’s depressing just not having some stranger at least attempt a conversation that goes nowhere.
stranger: Hey, A/S/
Me: Um, 24/M/Florida
Me: Uh thanks….
Me: You going to say anything else?
Me: This thing on?
Blog / Newsfeed Recommendations
I cleared out some of my News / RSS feeds on Trillian Pro 2.0 the other day because the sites in general weren’t getting updated much and basically waiting another few months for a new story on a site like Bush / Orwell ’04 was lame.
SO what doe sthat mean?
It means I am running out of sites and blogs that amuse me. Damnit, that isn’t a good thing.
Now, for my blogdrive friends and livejournal friends as well — I’m sorry but this doesn’t apply to you when I complain about needing new and more newsfeeds. This mainly goes out to news sites and MT type blogs because they can generate newsfeeds through their software (I am NOT going to explain what the hell RSS is :tongue).
I am looiking for more sites to add and read daily… ANy suggesitons out there?
I mean, one of the sites I subscribe to is Howard Dean’s blog — http://blogforamerica.com. Another is Defective Yeti which tends to be amusing more often than not… another great blog is Lies.com… It’s after those three that I have problems finding something entertaining.
Oh well, enough of this ramble. I don’t think anyone will have feedback on my problem but I appreciate it if you could suggest valuable newsfeeds or sites you believe are worthy newsfeeds.
How Well do you Know me — Revisited
Seeing how POPULAR one of my entries is on the Search engines — I decided to re-launch the “How Well do you know me?” quiz…
A little tougher, a few of the same questions and this time I am not passing it on to friends through email to take…
Poetic Meanings — just found out
You know, I was just going through something or other on the web and I came across a little factoid that just hit me a certain way that made me laugh and think at the same time about a poem I wrote a few years ago (song Poem) and how true the lyric is, in a sad way…
The song-poem was Java Jungle which I wrote at Palm Harbor’s “Java Jungle” coffee shop years ago when I was still very much a lyricist and poet. The song is just rambling verse that makes sense to me and probably me alone in some of it’s meanings but has a little niftiness to itself… if you can find the rhyme scheme and what could have been the beat or what the music could have turned into with the song…
At any rate, I’m going to post the lyrics now – then I will tell you more about that “ironic and funny” little meaning I didn’t intend that I just found out about…
“Who led the way,
“Across the Great Red Sea?”
The long way back,
Tell Mom and Dad
That I’m going mad
Sitting here on the porch
Deep toking’ a dead roach
And Mickey and Brand,
Across the great land
Living at the center of life
Had a little seance
To find her kindred soul
(Only she’d be so bold)
Cold hard wind, yeah
It’s stained with sin, yeah
Only known as the doldrums
The silence hums
Saint Jude’s Parade
The kingdom’s your to have
© 1997 John P. Fontana
So what’s the big deal? Well, I could break down the meaning of each stanza and verse to you but some of it is boring and some of it – as I already alluded to — should make sense only to me (Mickey and Brand across the great land, for instance, is a reference to friends of mine who used to come down to be with family here in Florida, I would see them every summer).
The lyric that I found funny is one of the closing lines… I talk about Easter Day and St. Jude’s Parade and then make a reference to “Lennon Lad”. This is all talking about Julian Lennon. “Jude” being direct reference to “Hey, Jude” which was written by Paul McCartney for Julian during the time John Lennon was divorcing Cynthia Lennon.
The entire line was actually supposed to be reference to St. Crispian’s Day, I believe I had seen Renaissance Man not very long before I had written this poem and I was very fond of Shakespeare at the time after a year of his works being passed on to me through Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School.
Well, St. Jude got worked in there and the reference to Julian was made — “The kingdom’s yours to have” and silence abounds… That’s saying that Julian could have easily followed John Lennon’s footsteps and gone to the top of Rock and Roll but failed to do so… Of course, Julian is still involved with music and still battles demons involved with his father and his childhood… That being said, there are reason the kingdom was never entirely inherited by him or by Sean Ono Lennon for that matter.
The ironic – funny twist that I keep making reference to is St. Jude. I didn’t know who St., Jude was nor did I ever think to find out… I just threw the name out there for the rhyme and for the reference (Jude, Jules, Julian) and only recently (reading another Rick Reilly article) found out who St. Jude is:
The Patron Saint of Lost causes.
So, Lennon Lad, the kingdom may be yours to have but from what the Java Jungle tells you, it’s a lost cause trying to inherit it…
More on Brandis
I’m sorta taken aback that my blog was getting any hits at all over my entry on Jonathan Brandis’ death which happened early in November. November 11th, actually. Brandis’ friend called from Jonathan’s apartment to report finding Jonathan attempting to hang himself (or having hung himself). Paramedics responded immediately but Jonathan died the next day.
This is still a shock to me.
I admittedly hated “Sidekicks” which was with Chuck Norris and Jonathan (but Ms. Winney Cooper from The Wonder Years was in it so that made the movie much much better), I liked Ladybugs (who DOESN’T like Rodney though?) and loathed The Neverending Story two (but that wasn’t Jonathan’s fault – terrible movie premise to begin with).
….I liked Seaquest when it started…..
I liked Jonathan – he was just cool in how he came off… I know I didn’t exactly throw a lot of love his way in my last post about him, also implied he was sort of faggy in his presentation…. but I eman… It still didn’t change THAT was the type of guy you wanted to be – this dirty blonde hunk that all the girls seemingly drooled over.
If there is any new insight on the Brandis death, I plan on reporting it here when I hear it…
Ode to FanHome
Jeezus, did Kevin M. Cabral screw the pooch when I look over domain registrations in InterNIC and what not this morning.
This summer I had taken time to just check up on domain registrations for names of sites that used to be part of the FanHome.com network – names like www.baseballboards.com, www.hockeyboards.com, www.footballboards.com. Very valuable domain names that already have other domains pointing to them and thus great recognizability on the Internet.
Kevin let each of these wayward domain names expire, pissing away their value much like he pised away the value of FanHome when he originally got offered to sell the site out for 50 thousand dollars in 1999 (which is more than it’s worth now).
What does this have to do with FanHome? I don’t know exactly. I DO know I am missing the original site since I read an article on the Howard Dean Connection and the phenomenon that is bringing the Dot-Com age back into chic. In 1999-2002 I was intimitaley tied to FanHome in one way or another. In 1998 I had been a dot-commer and went dot-bomb like the rest of the industry… The thing is, there was this sense, this aura, that always drove you when you were involved on these projects (be it FanHome or Weblink Communications Inc – my former Dot-Com bosses)… “The Revolution” was a phrase that was used so much, as a joke of sorts but at the same time, it was the attitude of those working together on any given project. We weren’t just changing how business was done, we were forging a new entry into business entirely.
Of course, then things went to SHIT with FanHome.
I say things went to shit – I burned out of course. I was one man doing most of the administration work even though I wasn’t doing the software side of it. I did have underlings and I did have support from those underlings, along with the remainder of administration at FanHome… But 60 thousand users just got to be too much… no pay? That too. The fact I was in love? That three… I didn’t want to spend time talking about AEC and Ledge again, I wanted to focus on my own life and the fact that I needed to get my ass in action (even though it’s tough to do with my medical condition).
That was more than a year ago of course.
So where do we sit now? FanHome remains shit as part of the Insiders network – using the worst message board software availible to message board users (EZ Boards) while retianing a loyal base of users that slowly errodes while Kevin continues to live the rich-boy life. Matt Rogish, technical database administrator extrodinaire is off somewhere working a solid job. I think he finally graduated from the University of Miami (Ohio) while Alberto Corral, COO of Fanhome, continues towards a masters degree and is looking at a new job coming to him in the near future (if he doesn’t already have it).
And John F? Who cares, he’s blogging….
Tis the Season – ho ho ho – help me out here…
So this is Christmas, and what have I done?
I’ve been newly cut open, now living as a bum…
So this is Christmas, and what do I get?
Another day older and leaning towards debt….
It’s Christmastime ladies and gentlemen if you have been living under a rock the past few weeks. Tis the season to spread jolly good vibes towards your fellow man and all that good stuff.
Personally I am a little perplexed this year as to what to get my family for Christmas. Specifically my older brother who I really want to slay with a gift — slay in a good way. I don’t mean overspend for a Christmas gift, I mean give him something sentimental that he will cherish.
See, Mike is someone who flaunts capitalism and debt in how he operates. He is already going to be giving several thousand dollars worth of gifts jointly in my name to people this year. That tweaks me because I really feel like an invalid shit not being able to pay my own way with certain gifts.
At the same time, it’s nice someone else is picking up the tab of course…
But the thing is, I want to show him that I care. I can’t buy something that will make him say “Oh wow, thanks!” unless I find something that he really wouldn’t have thought he would like. I can’t MAKE him something he would admire, in my humble opinion, because Mike has always given me a tough time with things I do as not being good enough or not as good as it COULD be.
I have the thought of buying him a domain name — as he is currently running a blog on http://foreverlad.diaryland.com — and giving him an MT treatment and web space of his very own, but he doesn’t want to be COMMITTED to anything. I got a bit of shit from him recently because of my birthday gift to him, and Ecosphere, and the fact he doesn’t want to be responsible for these living creatures inside the sphere (feels guilty when they thing doesn’t get proper light, etc).
Should I just say “The hell with it?” and get him a card? What are some of your off-the-cuff ideas for Christmas gifts? Input would be nice here…
Give a shit? Please…?
I don’t want to get gross and get on the “Too Much Information” brigade, but I have a request for anyone who stumbles across Der Stonegauge –
Can I have a shit?
Can you please lend me a shit?
Yes, I am looking for a give-a-shit crowd. I don’t mean I want you to send me a turd but, um, maybe warm wishes that I take a turd.
You see, I am supposed to be built like Ghandi at any given time and my guts are supposed to be spilled at normal intervals when I take meetings on the thrown in my bathroom. Well, you see, I haven’t had that male pleasure for something more than 3 weeks now….
I could give a shit, really…. I mean, I really need to give a shit…. But alas, that seems beyond me right now.
Sure I was hospitalized for days on end…. Sure, they had me drugged to deal with this stuff, and I don’t want to go into detail about that….
I didn’t have shit for them, however.
So, here I am, constipated and bloated and generally pissed off and in pain (thank god for drugs) and just out of it in one way or another asking my dear readers to send me shit greetings and such. Excrete what well wishes you can, and all that jazz.
I think I am going to be sick.
If only I could have shit happen….
Jonathan Brandis DOA
Is anyone aware that Jonathan Brandis died?
For the few out there that have no clue who he is at first mention of the name, he was one of the teenage heart-throbs of the early 1990’s. He was a guy who was coveted for TV and movie roles – a tee4n that was coveted for those roles at least – and he was someone who got the BOP covers and stuff like that.
Well, Jonathan is dead.
It came as a shock for me to see this bit of news. I had been wondering whatever happened to him and things like that – he had starred with Rodney Dangerfield in Ladybugs, had some NBC adventures in Seaquest DSV but basically disappeared once he reached that peculiar age of being a teen and a young adult. You know, sort of like Macaulay Culkin and how he disappeared for a bunch of years and stuff like that.
But Brandis, though I haven’t cared to look up details on anything about him since his Seaquest Days, was so down on life that he committed suicide or was believed to have committed suicide which ended his life the week before at the age of 27.
I don’t know why I get chills thinking about that, or why I am so disturbed by this, I guess it’s to see a part of my childhood end his life tragically like this, and with barely any acknowledgment that just…. bothers me. He was bigger than a brief mention in Entertainment Weekly, though he could be poster boy for queer from what anyone growing up around you would tell you… he just looked too pretty boy to believe… but he was the It boy and… Well, I salute him here — Rest in Peace Jonathan. You did have some fans out there and they will not forget you.
I’d like to point site visitors to http://jonathanbrandis.org/ I am not sure if they are officially tied to Brandis but it sure as hell looks official while my little rag tag blog has nothing to do with Jonathan besides being a fan who spoke out on Brandis’ death while the media overlooked it
Back in Black – the Dodger Boy returns to the Scene of the Crime
Thank you, thank you… Please hold the applause… Please… I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy I’m….
Oh, the hell with it… Who’s clapping anyway? Little Miss Avoidance? Miss I-hooked-up-and-don’t-have-the-nerve-to-say-anything-to-
you-because-my-ties-to-you-are-nil-while-I-am-with-another? Oh yeah, maybe some of my friends who knew how fucked my situation was going into November 26th and know just what the outcome has been might be the ones clapping.
I beat the fucking odds.
I exorcised the fucking demon.
I had my miracle and God slapped me on the back and told me with a good natured grin, “You fell for it, you shit. Now get back in the game.”
I’m home.I can walk, I can talk, and I can type into this fucking blog my rants and raves and all my bullshit once again. I’m ANGRY, I’m HUNGRY, I’m in need of a some venting here and there but this is a GOOD angry, this is a DAMNED good angry. This is an angry I don’t know who the hell would be able to identify with and I don’t know who would even try.
You see, over the summer things got grim. There was this blackness hanging over my life. Everyone around me knew about it, I dreaded it, I loathed it, I was desperate for escape from it. That blackness was all the grim possibilities of my future if things didn’t get corrected.
I went under the knife in August, still in grim shape – still loathing, still scared, still sad, and what happened was I didn’t get shit fixed. Instead of going out and getting my problems washed away – I had more doubts exposed, more bad thoughts brought to the forefront, the dread conquered me and it grew every day from early September till those last weeks of November.
My friends supported me. Those who strung me along wanted to be done with me for there own personal good, others just met me and left me because I had this doubt and this negativity around me. Indeed there was too much negativity around me. There may STILL be negativity around me in the next few weeks as I face adversity and have to come back physically (and emotionall) from what I just went through.
For the record? Fuck negativity.
For the record? Fuck adversity.
Life’s a game and I am back on the playing board. I thought I was just going to be a piece on the side that didn’t get used because life has a way of taking you out of the game. Fuck that. Fuck the idea that I should worry, or I should hurt, or I should doubt I will find something I ma deserving of — be it in love, life, business or whatever. Fuck it all — I WANT IT ALL. I’m going to get it all, and God is going to be on my side as long as I don’t hurt, maim or kill to accomplish that.
I want the challenge. The blackness is gone. The looming sense of dread is gone. I want the challenge of life again. My first is getting my ass back in shape, the next is … well, the next piece I haven’t thought of yet because there are many pieces. It’s also dependent on the first piece of it all.
I posted a “Missing” picture” a few months ago on this very blog… Posting some of my former pictures and asking “Have you seen this boy?” in a mock tribute to Robert Patrick in Terminator 2…. I’ll tell you right now – the cocky and optimistic son of a bitch who founded this site, who got the Beatles balls in an uproar, who’s pissed off the locals with his liberal talk, who’s upset the government with his public votes of incompetence, who’s gone through more pain and hardship than most will experience in their lives — that fucker is me and that fucker is back in charge of the life of John Fontana.
Maybe it’s the drugs talking? Maybe I wake up tomorrow from my bed and try to figure out what is my purpose in life again?
Yeah? Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and I just say “Lets go” and do what I need to do – it’d be the same thing but with a better attitude. I need to accomplish things on my own — Lets go, I gotta get it done. I don’t need to procrastinate, I don’t need to avoid, I don’t need to pussy foot and hide from the problem.
I’m back, ladies and gentlemen….. Time will tell the tale just WTF is in store but I am back. Let it roll, let the sun shine in and all that jazz…
BUSY BUSY BUSY
So, I have just been a busy little bee, or just avoiding computers. j/k Well I guess I have been taking a break from things. Especially since I sit in front of one all day long at work. A vacation was needed, so I took one.
On Thanksgiving I stuffed myself silly. I love food as I posted previously. Yum. My fiance and I ate at my parents for lunch and his parents for supper. And since we didn’t like doing all this traveling all in one day, we kind of decided to just spend Christmas on our own, and maybe invite the parental units to join us instead.
So that was my weekend. Hope everyone had a good one.
Silence Abounds and Immoral Grounds
You know I woke up this morning with the day in front of me — actually slightly behind me. My gut had been doing the rumba last night and had kept me up, keeping me sleep deprieved and groggy most of the day.
So I came online around 10 AM to find an email from Mike Emmons – which got me excited because I’m in the mood to work on a campaign and try to help out from the grass roots side at the very top of the organization.
Well, my excitement didn’t last long when I found that the person who had steered me to Mike Emmons had shared my own private conversation about Mike’s site with Mike without my permission. Mike had responded to some comments I made but I didn’t care to read them over. Why? Because of the ethical breach of sending someone’s email to someone else with regards to business.
If I wanted to talk to Mike Emmons about certain things – me and Mike could discuss them together in the future. That’s between me and Mike Emmons, not a third party who introduced me to Mike Emmons.
So, as the day went on, I got to go to the Hospital again to have stitches removed from my back. My doctor is almost shocked at how well I am doing and damnit – I am too. Still a LONG way to go when it comes to recovery and rehab but, as someone who was supposed to be left paraplegic by my last operation, I am no more paraplegic than a member of a dance troop.
Of course, not everything went hunky dory with the doctor appointment and my problems with it isn’t because of the doctor or having to wait an obsessively long time to get my stitches removed. It was dear old Dad once again who decided to piss me off. Not because he did something – it was because what he didn’t do.
We left around 1:30 and got back sometime after 5 and between those hours, my father barely said anything to me, and wouldn’t answer my questions with much more than a shrug or a gesture. I didn’t enjoy the car ride (though I kept picking up songs on the radio, which never happens with me) nor the hospital stay all thanks to the fact Dad wanted to play alpha-male who just grunted.
I’m a conversationalist, folks. I like to talk – I like to discss things and there are plenty of things in the world to discuss – just why the hell my Father likes to act like an oaf is beyond me. I really get sick of the fact he seems so dis-passionate about everything and anything. There are plenty of journal entries in the past where I have complained about him… I can’t point to them now but it’s worth repeating again that he is so indolent it isn’t even funny.