Month: September 2003


Editing Aggravations

The story I liked best that I wrote before I started Long Ridge, the story of Thomas and his death which I called Ignorant Bliss, is a mess right now. The focus doesn’t remain on Thomas at certain points and confuses the reader a bit, you don’t know certain facts until too late in the story (though you can’t know everything until later because you are supposed to be as ignorant as Thomas) and at 5000 words, I am going to have to edit the story down for submission.

I got my work cut out for me on my labor of love.

Editing can be a good thing. It can also be an aggravation especially when you are sort of happy what you wrote through Zen=writing with no editing. Just throw-it-out-until-you-are-done-and-damn-editing.

Of course, I earned a major ego boost with props i got for the editing job I did of my last assignment which used to appear on my Poetry section. So I know I am capable of editing it’s just a grand task. I am going to have to go back and edit the story I finished last night too, but I need some feedback before I even try that… Just for outside ideas what’s wrong with it.

….And I need to get my ass working on fresh ideas, because I’m coming from one direction with everything I write right now, which typecasts me. I want to be known as someone who has a wide variety genre’s instead of just one.

Legging it out – shrinking it down

To talk about today before last night, I just had another physical therapy session where I surprised myself with leg strength. Oh, I am no where near where I would hope to be, but I’m happy with the results.

For those not in the know, and I haven’t talked about it too much on here, I have been working with a physical therapist twice a week (named Bob, built guy, pretty cool) doing simple exercises to get some strength and possibly some balance back. What would be routine for others is a challenge for me right now. :mad

So going back a few hours, I had an idle conversation with a shrink online. Yes, a shrink (or someone who claimed they used to be one) who was online. She had been in an auto accident and instead of acting like a shrink, I felt like she was trying to new-age me with things. “Close your eyes, open your mind… put on three doors down. You are a freebird” — say what?

It depressed me, a bit, with things she told me. Angered me as well. Though she could understand my pain-and the difficulties I am facing right now, she didn’t understand my life, nor did she make sense in some of that crap she was telling me — “have faith in your mind first” (I have faith in my mind, but this isn’t the sense she meant it).

It got frustrating. Especially after I started talking to her again this morning (well, she started talking to me) and she asked me if I am ever humorous after she said something that i guess I was supposed to take as a joke… :rolleyes

Anyway, I finished up a story last night. I’m cooling off with it right now and I will go back and edit it a few times over the next few days/weeks. I’m also more than willing to send this thing to would-be guinea pigs… :tongue


I’ve been pressing myself to write today. I mean, I started with the “Peter’s Problem” story but I actually decided to put that on ice for now until I have the next urge. I started going back to other manuscripts that I started writing in the past and trying to finish those stories up – or at least contribute to them.

Yeah, piece by piece is what I am trying to add to stories. Some of them I had a clear plan with when I started them and others — well, others were a lot of just me writing what was on my mind – a vision — and hoping I found something to do with them.

Leah was over again this afternoon — 3 weeks in a row. I appreciate that because it ads another dimension to my day.

And for the sake of saying so, I looked into upgrading my web space on Dreamhost for the sake of allowing me to host more domains in the future.

"Inspired by a True Story"

When you meet a writer online and he can notice that you’ve got something worth re-telling, interesting things happen.

Windows and waiting for what…?

I got up early again today – I’ve been waking up early most of the weak and staying in bed until Ir eally have to get my ass in gear. Half of the time I lie there thinking of what i have to do for the day and that gets me going at one point or another – but well after my cobwebs are gone from my head.

On this particular day, I had to get up before 9… I had been up well past two thinking about things, so I thought this would be a bit more difficult than it ended up…

Now you must be wondering why I HAD to get up at 9…

See, about 6 years ago I smashed a few rocks I picked up from Cape Cod two years earlier, through my bedroom window in a fit of rage (teenage angst coupled with losing ones hearing as well as feeling fenced in). I’ve been meaning to have the glass replaced for about…. 6 years, and had my uncle replace my window all together (it was cheaper) this morning.

The new window is nice — and minus a fly screen outside, however. Everything I look at is clear and not broken up in sections (and I don’t mean shattered glass sections) like my old window.

Anyway, after that I faded pretty fast and couldn’t quite find something to get productive with. I’ve been feeling like I am waiting for something – to hear from someone, to have something happen, for the next life perhaps (rest in peace, Gloria Foster )… Just SOMETHING.

I’ve got “Peter’s Problem” (can’t even think of a working title) that I have aluded to sitting over me. I’ve got a folder full of stories I never foudn a plot for that I could get a plot for, write, finish and then send in to a magazine (but I haven’t). I need some motivation but then again I also just NEED… I don’t know how else to put it. Need to hear some things, need to see some things, need to have some things… i don’t know…

Or are these wants? Whatever it is, I am waiting and delaying because of it…


You are Trinity-
You are Trinity, from “The Matrix.”
Strong, beautiful- you epitomize the ultimate

What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Well, that’s nice… I’m a heroine. Strange that several of my stories for class have been with women as the lead character as well…

Well, I woudl think that Trinity embodies / personifies the sun sign of Libra – so it’s all good…

Hold Me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill me

So I forgot to bring up Thursday Night and what I was up to to keep myself busy but not keep my mind off problems entirely…

Michelle and Josh came around. They had both stopped by during my hospital stint and were a refreshing change of pace from the day to day. We just watched some flicks together and had a good time…

…And up until this movie-watching stint, I didn’t know how GAY the opening of Reservoir Dogs is… :tongue

There we are, sitting and watching the flick (Michelle had never seen it) and Tim Roth is going nuts because he’s been shot in the gut and in a lot of pain… Well, Tim and Harvey Keitel share a few intimate moments as Keitel tries to comfort Roth and Tim (Mr. Orange) ends up telling Harvey (Mr. White / “Larry”) to hold him… And Mr. White starts trying to build up Mr. Orange’s confidence and calm him down by combing Mr. Orange’s hair and asking him “Who’s a tough guy.,..” in a rather serene voice…

The entire fucking movie I am cracking jokes about that when Roth is on screen. “Hold me, Larry! Hold me! I’m a tough guy! I’m a tough guy!” There’s that cop who gets his ear cut off (:puke), Roth wakes up after passing out from blood loss and takes out Mr Blonde…

“Hey… Hey you… What’s your name?”
“Marvin… Marvin Nash…”
“Hold me, Marvin! Hold me! Don’t leave me, Marvin!”

I mean, I apologize to Quentin Tarantino and the guys in this movie because I absolutely love Reservoir Dogs and the work of some of these actors (Tim Roth especially)…. But that is the funniest, most closet homosexual shit I have seen. I started cracking jokes about having a Reservoir Dogs drinking game too. “When ever K-BILLY comes on, you take a drink…. Whenever Mr. Orange says ‘Hold me!’ you take a drink… Whenever Joe acts like an asshole, you take a drink… Whenever someone says ‘Dick’ you take a drink…” (that last word alone would have you drunk before the opening credits)…

We ended up watching Southpark later on and of course my entry on Southpark is up — you can read my take on that.

At any rate, I got a first hand taste of the sick sorta need of having someone special in your life — well, sorta. I started missing what I have had in the past by watching Josh and Michelle together. It made me long tenderness. I haven’t had it in the past, per se, just someone to imagine it with… even that non-physical experience that I have had, I started longing. Living on the concept of emotion between two people is a very tough thing and I guess that’s one place I had faith… Faith in the emotion and pursuing it any way possible until things finally align so that the physical could be pursued. One way street though…

Getting back to the subject of Thursday… Michelle is determined to have another movie night sometime soon and get me to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I’ve never been a horror buff but then again – when you’re watching movies with friends, you can watch about anything and enjoy it… :smile

It's in the lyrics

I’m not down… just these lyrics do mean a lot to me and it’s strange how they mirror my life now…

Help! (Lennon/McCartney)

Help! I need somebody,
Help! Not just anybody,
Help! You know I need someone.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind I’ve opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I’ve never done before

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody’s help in any way
But now these days are gone, I’m not so self assured,
Now I find I’ve changed my mind I’ve opened up the doors

Help me if you can, I’m feeling down
And I do appreciate you being ’round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won’t you please, please help me?!
Help me! Help me, oh.

The more things change, the more they stay the same

Those words can be used for a lot of different topics right now but I only have one topic right now that I am going to use that phrase for….

Southpark: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

You know, when this movie came out – it was a censorship battle between the MPAA and Trey Parker/ Matt Stone, which Stone/Parker won hands down. Yet some of the plot really started to give me a case of Deja Vu from the last few months…

An Unjustified war for bullshit reasons, a militant dictator who silences the opposition and tries to make it look like she is doing it for the best interests of the nation but they are her own in the end, Saddam Hussein, stupid military tactics, putting the blame on everyone but those who should be blamed….

It’s like Parker and Stone predicted the future and what we are capable of doing as a nation – being narrow minded dip shits.

It gave me chills

Just a little taste

I’m going to give you folks (my readers) a little chance to read a piece of that story (32 pages) that I am writing. if you’re interested in more – please say so… Click on the below link to check out the lead to the story.
Read More

Der Long Ridge

So you can see I was frustrated before — well, not frustrated per-se but I mean I was just a bit intimidated by it all — as I was reading through one of the books assigned to me through my writing course (The Best of the Magazine Markets 2003 edition) as part of Assignment 5…

I am in no way confident about this and am ready to do it over if need be – though I have the basis for the story in my head and could try to complete it now if I wanted to. This assignment is a two parter though – I don’t send the story, just the opening and a synopsis and some markets I would submit to.

Markets – blah. You wouldn’t believe how ridiculous I felt when I found one of those markets, thought it was a match, and saw who put this friggin’ thing out… Signs – yeah, right…

at any rate, I’m going to get the new assignment out in the mail tomorrow. That’s good, I really don’t want it hanging on my shoulders for the time being. The other good news — well, sorta good news — with my writing is I took another chance with a previous assignment and submitted Thank God for Arthur to Glimmer Train’s short story contest. Of course, I won’t find out how things go with that until the new year, but at the same time – it’s worth a shot. I still have another month to go before I find out how badly Conflicting Affections did in their very-short-story contest.

I should be more optimistic though — 1200 bucks for first prize is reason to remain optimistic. Same with the 1200 I would get in the Short Story contest if I came in first place there as well…

Not that’ll happen… but I’ve got to try to keep positive with some things in life if life won’t afford it to me elsewhere.


Researching writing markets… blah!

Sadly and sardonicly ironic discoveries during research – double blah!

*grumble grumble*

Distractionless research – triple blah!

*grumble, grumble… grrrr*

The FAT of the Land

I’ve been putting off this journal entry – might be something I’ll put on the blog in the future but I don’t know right now…

I was flipping through Sports Illustrated and it’s current issue with Mia Hamm on the cover and got to Rick Reilly’s Op/Ed piece that is stuck on the last page of the magazine. He started talking about kids and obesity problems and it started making me think of this whole weight issue that keeps coming up with Americans.

As my friend Keith from Calgary noted to me after his trip to Seattle — Americans are fat! The question is WHY are we fat? Looking at the world (and even the current political conditions in the US), it’s easy to see why we are obese.

Americans do not sacrifice when we come up with hardships, and the powers that be push that in order to gain extra support — don’t make sacrifices with things you love, keep doing it just as you did it and we’ll make do! What we’re making due with, however, is increased risk of heart disease, of heart attacks, and other health problems brought on by too much. It’s gluttony and it’s not just a food measure.

Anyone remember the current Energy Bill that Herr Dubya has tried pushing on America the last few years? Dick Cheney stumped for this bill early on and he talked about MORE, MORE, MORE when it came to producing energy. He didn’t talk about conserving energy, he didn’t talk about alternate means of energy (or if he did, he talked about how they were unrealistic). He just stressed the Republican preamble: Enjoy thing sto the fullest and lets deal with the problems only after they have screwed us to the moon.


What happened to conservation? What happened to making sacrifices? I mean, we are footing a huge bill on a war in Iraq and we haven’t been asked to cut back in any way to make funding this farce any easier. In a hogwash move, instead of trying to find the money to fund this thing in Iraq, we’ve cut the amount of money the government has to play around with and started wracking up even MORE debt on our United States Credit Card.

At one point in the near future, creditors are going to demand their money and when it comes due — all hell will break loose.

We’re a fat nation because we don’t compromise, we don’t make shared sacrifices in order to do things as a country and achieve things… Instead we sit on our asses, watching NBC Must-See Thursday and wondering who else Rachel will end up fucking before the Series Finale this year. We don’t think of the people who can’t afford a TV – can’t afford health care, can’t afford a domicile (home or apartment), can’t afford health insurance… We don’t even WANT to think about it. We want what’s ours and don’t see the reason why we should let any of ours help their cause. That includes having our food or other things rationed off at wartime. We don’t sacrifice in times of trouble – we just keep going at the same rate. That’s how it’s been since the end of World War 2.

Here’s another example of the greed/glutton of America. Pinellas County, the county I live in in the Tampa Bay metro region, wants to raise the gasoline tax six cents in order to pay for new roads and road maintenance. How did people react? 70 people spoke and they all said no. How much would that tax be? 12 cents, total, on a gallon of gas. I know, with gas prices skyrocketing, having 6 cents added on to the current tax level seems like a stiff increase… but when you consider 6 additional cents in the grand scheme of things – it’s really sad to see that no one is willing to cough up just a few pennies more at the pump.

And this goes for everything in America — who wants to pay for schools when you can have a tax cut and have a few bucks more in your pocket? Who wants to pay for health care for others when it’s your own health that matters — and you never need to use your health care options anyway?? Who needs it? Who wants it? You need MORE of this and MORE of that and god damn it – you will get more.

America isn’t the land of the free and home of the brave any more — it’s the land of the greed and the home of the lame. Unless we take back America from the fat cats and special interest groups, the prophecies i have been reading are going to start coming true and things are going to get bleak — especially when Herr Dubya realizes god wasn’t on his side when he started wars.

It always gets worse before it gets better

Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.

I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.

I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…

I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.


Anyone who knows me knows I love the Buccaneers — or did love the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Maybe they were hapless in yesterday, maybe they were oh-so-close and that’s why I loved them. Right now I can’t bring myself to love them, or even watch them for that matter. On this first day of Autumn (or is that tomorrow?) I can’t bring myself to sit down and enjoy the game like I would usually do.

“Why?” you ask. Well, The problem is there is differences in this offense and this team compared to the old teams. There was this “They could do it! They just got to do a little bit more than the basics to get it done!” attitude to everything in the past. In fact I grew up on Slam-mouth football (running the football and passing on key downs alone) with the New York Giants and the Buccaneers under Tony Dungy… Yet now with Jon Gruden, the team has become a flying circus or it at least feels like it is being one under Gruden’s playcall.

Barely any running, giving too many attempts at the pass… Not owning the clock, not giving the defense a chance to rest… Just ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK. It just is NOT how you should play football unless you have a significantly weaker opponent. And you RARELY get that in the NFL.

At any rate, I’ll update you all (or key people) how I am doing later on… Right now I need to vent. I need to eat. I need to drink. I need to get my ass in gear and WRITE my next assignment.


No soy nada.
No tengo nada.
No sé nada.

Sé lo que deseo.
Sé mis necesidades.
Sé lo que deseo.

No sé nada.

Soy cuáles soy.
Soy lo que amo.
Soy lo que necesito.

No soy nada.

Tengo deseo.
Tengo sensaciones.
Tengo necesidades.

No tengo nada.

Soy un perdedor y ésta es mi vida

No tome la culpabilidad de esto

The future is uncertain and the end always near

I will find no rest here. I heard her voice inside my head…. She said to me, even now, there is hope left, but I cannot see it. It is long since we had any hope. My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith — Boromir (Sean Bean), Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

I’m not taking encouragement very well right now when people tell me that things will get better … And as much as I am trying to have faith that things will improve and they will fall where they are supposed to, I can’t keep it without evidence of something getting better for me instead of something staying pat or getting worse..

It hit me pretty bad at Andy’s place today. The place is a virtual construction zone and I only have compliments for what he is doing with the house… At the same time, it panged at me and hurt with the realization I couldn’t help him out with the house like I want to. The most I can do is stumble in and out because my body has failed me, even though there is will power left and a humbled soul inside me….

Even now there is hope left, but I cannot see it….

I can’t grip reality, only fantasy. I ought to see a shrink but then again they would only confirm things i already know about myself and give me solutions that I have already heard and thought of and probably try to put me on drugs to cure me with more chemicals… Which I wouldn’t want. I don’t want to fake my way to feeling better. I want to achieve it with things improving…. And yet when I think of how to achieve it, the dream is what I set as a benchmark… Which isn’t realistic and yet it’s what I want…

I don’t know if I am screwed up in the head or someone that should be applauded for holding on to their wants and not compromising…. Yet my wants are compromised by the fact that maybe God didn’t plan it the way I was hoping he did — or that it will only fall that way with time…

I could close this with the “it is long since we had any hope” but that wouldn’t be the truth…

I Will

Back a few years ago, I went ahead and bought The White Album (this was before I lost my hearing) and tried to make heads and tails of it. It was a lot of songs I had never heard before and some of them to this day I have not heard. My main reason for buying the album wasn’t because I heard it was the prime CD at the time for some rockers (which it was, oddly) but becasue of the Paul Is Dead clues that came with the album and certain songs on it (Back in the USSR, Obladi-Oblada).

There was one song I listened to – it was a ballad by John Lennon, which seemed sort of odd because this was John we are talking about, that he wrote to Yoko (everything he was writing at the time went to Yoko) that I found appealing in it’s simplicity and it’s melody. Yet I had the song play in my head sometimes with people I liked or about people I liked and things either didn’t work out or they fell apart. I started to blame the song – does that sound crazy or what? It’s not like any given song can curse a relationship or something like that…

Yet I still blamed the song and if I ever started thinking of it I would shun it from my mind because I took it as a kiss of death for things and oddly enough it seemed to be.

Yet I think of the lyrics now and look at the words themselves and think to my life and wonder if the reason things didn’t work out was because the past girls didn’t fit what the lyrics said? Or maybe I’m thinking too much if I have a song on my mind with people anyway?

What happens with someone who comes into my life does fit the lyrics and my thoughts mirror those of lyrics? I’ve been wondering that when the song popped into my head earlier this week… I haven’t fought it off like in the past. Maybe that explains the current? Then again, maybe I just need a bit of Faith to understand that song lyrics don’t influence the course of life and that I should just let things play out?

I Will (Lennon/McCartney)

Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to–I will.

For if I ever saw you
I didn’t catch your name
But it never really mattered
I will always feel the same.

Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.

And when at last I find you
Your song will fill the air
Sing it loud so I can hear you
Make it easy to be near you
For the things you do endear you to me
You know I will
I will.


I don’t know if I should be writing about this topic or not because I am not the best guy to go to when it comes to Faith in things. But at the same time I need to at least express my thought son the subject and my own search for it.

Now, what is faith? Faith is a sort of blind trusting of things, letting the chips fall where they may and trusting that they will fall in a way that is OK by you. At the same time Faith is believing that things are going to work out of the best and everything happens for a reason.

I know I have lived life faithless and in a lot of ways I continue to live life that way — think I am the only one in charge of my own destiny and can influence things that are out of my control. I wanted to do what i could in my power to show how much I cared. At other times, I’ve been left so alone that I felt as though no one in the world would put a heavy amount of trust in me, even though friends were laying emotions and thoughts on me. I was looking for someone — I didn’t know who or where or when — who would put some faith in me over things. Someone specific and yet someone I didn’t know.

Faith — I can thank my parents and then myself for abandoning the divine faith… I got out of the habit of going to church at a young age and that was the first seeds of doubt that were laid. When I went to church, I never understood why I was going… Or how I was supposed to pray (was it just wishing?), and I guess I didn’t have the faith then for God to go ahead and show me the way. Going to a religion class on weeknights was sort of the same thing – I was learning what they wanted me to learn but I wasn’t taking it all in and understanding what it was. Maybe I was too young? I like to think that with a lot of things that I started a year before most kids did. I didn’t skip a grade, it was that I started school a year early (pre school and then regular school) and that effected how I did things.

So where am I now with this Faith? In a lot of ways I am lost and yet I am trying to put my faith in some things again. It’s difficult because I want to be the one in control or do what I can to influence an outcome and yet I should show enough faith in people to realize that it’s their choice and their decision how things go and I know they have made the right decisions more times than not and I should trust their judgment. I don’t, however, want to express that faith in the government, who does things beyond my control and makes decisions that I do not endorse. I have control over my government and yet as a member of the US — I am dependent on others having a like mind on things. Instead of doing that, they show that blind faith more times than not and it’s not good for the world. Faith in religion and faith in government are two separate things.

Faith in people is entirely different and yet so much the same I can’t even comprehend.

Right now I need to show more faith than I ever have in this life and at the same time — my faith is really balancing on the edge of a blade. Part of me wants to believe that things happen for a reason and that they fall where they may because something leads to something else… (see Signs ) And yet at the same time, if things don’t work out a certain way, all faith might be lost. All beliefs that I should put faith in people’s hearts and their decisions will be thrown to the curb. I feel like a dick because of this – who am I to stand up and try to make my own personal wants what come to pass? At the same time, knowing how I would be (and this is a pun it would seem) faithful makes me really want to push because I don’t want anyone to lose out on something.

Faith — the faithless heathen that I am wants it, and the manipulative bastard that I am will only keep it if things work out a certain way. I’m sorry, God, that I’m like this. I’m sorry to the world that someone with a big heart can’t show trust in the way things will work out…

Good day / Bad day

It’s funny how things can go good and go bad at the same time…. It’s funny how you are forced to live life as a groveling idiot in the Fontana household or have others make yourself feel like trash through their actions and they don’t seem to even acknowledge that.

Or your lack of abilities at the time they are most inconvenient are ignored.

I wake up early, after some problems things tart going good — just because of a ray of sunshine that showed up to give me a good morning… Then things get going fine, I get productive and handle some things I needed to… And then they turn to shit when I have to deal with my apathetic/indolent mother.

I don’t want to go into it any more and I’m a little peeved I am reporting it in the first place what has gone on.. I finally think I am having an OK day and those around me do what they can to pull me back down.


So it’;s Tuesday and I’m afraid to say I didn’t accomplish much today — though I had a productive therapy session with my therapist Bob. My mind kept going back a few steps and telling me “OK, you should move on and do that next” and yet I never brought myself to doing just what was being suggested of me (literally).

My mind has been all over the place today with thoughts and at the same time I think I’ve come to a realization but that remains to be seen.

So I DID finally get in touch with Lou Fisher. I just had to disable my firewall program in order for my email to get through to him. Hopefully I’ll use that as motivation to start moving my ass on assignment 5, yet I haven’t really gone over Lou’s last letter to me or the assignment that I am supposed to be doing. Damn procrastination and damn non-motivation. I need a dose of get-go or something in person to go with me through the next phase until I am able to operate on my own on the subject matter (shouldn’t take long, just need a push to get started).

Counting down

You know, i’ve made no mention of this —

Only 22 more days until my birthday. Those shopping days are counting down to a precious few!

5 Senses

5 Senses

– The words
– The longing
– The emotion

– The flavor
– The Memory
– The Realization

– The sweet nothings
– The touched
– The aching for more

– The Love
– The romance
– The desire

– Her perfume in the wind
– The kiss on the cheek
– His hand across your bare skin

© 2003 John P. Fontana

More questions than answers

It’s funny sometimes where you seem to find a path – or get on a set course and there are more questions than answers and you can’t get the answers until the powers that be give them to you.

The powers that be might be a colleague, a lover, a boss, God, your brother, Family…

But then again you are at the mercy of this/these powers until so much of a time they reveal what they aren’t telling you… Until that time you have to find another course, of sorts, and try to bide your time until things become clearer.

And when you achieve that clarity? Look out because you may be set on another course and left to the Powers that Be once again…

Tempting Fate

And in the end, the love you make
Is equal to the love you take…

“Say no more.”
“I can say no more….”


I’m angry — the Bucs just played the worst game I have seen them play since the early 1990’s. Too many penalties, no real fire in them…

12-9 the final. One word: UGLY

Slow Day

This was a day of surprise and un-accomplishments. A day of procrastination and aggravation along with laziness and hope. It was a day of knowing what i have to accomplish and not going out and doing it — you can be shown the door, shown the path, but only you can walk it through.

I know I have to get back to writing – I have to try to contact Lou Fisher once again and just let him know I am ok and all that. Long Ridge’s website wasn’t working well for me before and after my operation and I am hesitant to try-try-again. I haven’t even looked at Assignment 5 nor have I done an edit of Assignment 4 using Lou’s recommendations but I know i will have to put my nose to the grindstone soon on that.

I haven’t heard from PIF Magazine or Glimmer Train magazine with regards to my entries to their publications from last month — one was a contest entry and I shouldn’t hear back until November (from Glimmer Train) but PIF is supposed to be a monthly publication and I have heard crap from them.

So what was the surprise? Take the good with the bad. It was sort of wacky the fact I had thought to re-iterate to Sarah yesterday (but didn’t, mind you) that she can use my journal to vent any time she wants to. Lo and behold an email from her this morning saying she had done just that after a crappy night. The other surprise — of the bad sort — is my left leg continuing to be weak as hell. Not just that but the fact fo the matter is I don’t know if the leg is there, from how it feels, and it effects my balance and everything else. Walking is a burden with it because I can’t seem to control my knee or my ankle.

Yeah, bad news folks.

And you thought all my entries were going to start being of substance and quality again? Shame on you!

Small Town Clique’s Sarah again…I just need to blow some steam tonight, so I’m very greatful to John to allow me to write on here when I want. Thank you John. So…here’s my steam..

I spent my entire childhood and teen years dealing with cliques. There were the popular girls, the smart-suck-up girls, the drug addicts, and then there was my group…the somewhat unpopular people who stuck together because with out each other, we had no one.

In sixth grade I started hanging out wiht the smart-suck-up girls. It was the year from hell. I was the butt of the jokes, the one being laughed at, the one forced to sit at the other half of the table when there wasn’t room for everyone to sit on one half. I hated it, and it didn’t take me long to decide not to hang out with them anymore. I felt like shit though…because I had made fun of the people who were my friends before because I thought I was better..I had moved up in the chain of popularity. But I went back to this group, and never left them out again.

I hated the cliques of middle school, and they were still very prevalent my senior year of high school. The good thing was that we all started to get along in high school, because we left the petty things behind. I thought I’d be able to leave the pettiness and cliques of my home town in the dust and be able to form new relationships with many people…and hang out with them all, not having a clique of my own or others to worry about.

I was wrong. I went to lunch today with three girls from my floor…I hardly know two of them, but they are truly nice people, like the third girl that I’ve known since she moved in. One offered to get me a drink, another recommended trying a dessert…they were nice people that I didn’t expect to be nice people.

Then for dinner I went with three people who I know very well. My roommate, Katrina, and Jozie. My roommate and I get along pretty well, so I was thinking. We haven’t fought, nor has she shown any sign of a problem with me. Katrina’s ok…kind of judgemental as I’ve gathered. Then there’s Jozie, who I haven’t had a warm feeling from since I met her. She never seems to want to talk to me..and when she does talk to me, she’s always short and snappy. So I was the last to sit down to eat, and when I sat down they were talking about going somewhere tonight (last night since it’s after midnight now), and then the conversation stopped.

They talked about a lot of things, but didn’t really include me in the conversation..and when I tried to speak up, someone interrupted me…no one laughed if I said something that i expected would be funny. On the way back, they kind of asked each other if they were going to take showers and what not, and when we into the dorm (it’s about 50 steps to get inside) there’s two stair cases, the first goes only to the 1st level, and the second goes all the way down here. Katrina, Mary and I live on the lowest level. Jozie asked if they were coming to her room, and they all went. Feeling enough of a “third” wheel (though I was indeed the fourth person), I said I was going to go down here right away.

And off they went. I went into my friend Louise’s room to see what she was doing, and about 45 minutes later, went to my room to drop off my keys and id in the room. There’s Mary and Jozie all ready to go out… They never asked if I wanted to go..never acted like they wanted me to go…and I didn’t want to go with them anyway. Not after they had treated me like shit at dinner.

What pisses me off is that I’m going to be the one to hear all about it tomorrow (today…time thing), and how much fun they had…and frankly I want to rub their nose in it. That’s how I felt in 6th grade. And in 6th grade, I just changed my group of friends.

It’s not so easy to do, though, when you don’t have people around to catch your back when you fall…When you have no history with people and they already have their friends that they hang out with…

It really feels shitty…much like reliving 6th grade all over again.

My old "buddies" strike again

Well, well, well… So much as for writing an entry about faith in this space at this time… Something else came up and I thought it was worthy of a posting. I have some old friends that are in the news again and up to their old antics.

“Old friends” you ask? Surely you have heard of the law firm Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal before, haven’t you? No? Honestly not? If I told you they are the firm representing the most influential pop band of the 20th century, maybe you would get a clearer picture of who they are?

The Beatles / apple Corp Ltd’s lawyers.

Apple Corp LTD — founded by John, Paul, George and Ringo all those years ago after the death of Brian Epstein (their manager) — has sued Apple Computers over trademark infringement which makes me wonder just what the hell those lawyers do in their spare time. “Lets go ahead and shake up the industry as much as we can because, damnit, we have clients that are worth billions and we should have a piece of the pie.”

Why do I care? Anyone close to me should know that is a very silly question… I, after all, have already been under the wrath of this very law firm and Apple Corp LTD. Everyone close to me knows this and any constant reader probably would have heard me bellyache already about this. I just find it sick – and sad – where the corporate embodiment of four guys who preached the dreams of life, would try to pinch pennies and make up millions upon millions of dollars by nit-picking issues with a company that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

There’s no mistaking Apple Corp LTD. and Apple Computers… I guess Lawyers just sit around and try to find out where else they can go to get more money through legal fees.

Just Dean-dy

I’ll try to get another entry in before midnight but I make no promises. My day has been short and mostly uneventful sans medical problems and conversations…

I wanted to spread The Word. No, John still hasn’t found religion or Faith (note to self – that is what you should write about later, faith) but something more important (he he) for the United States in General:

I’m talking Howard Dean.

Some of you may or may not know that I fully support Doctor Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, for President of the United States. .The questions that might come to ones mind over this range from:

“Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Howard Who?”

“Get a haircut you god damned hippie!”

“John, you were awfully negative with the first three quotes, can you lighten up?”

” What’s wrong with the guy in office now?”

“What’s wrong with these other candidates?”

“Why do you care now, months away from the first primaries?”

Well, to forgo some of the silly questions — I care now about the guys who are running for president because i6t’s important to have the strongest candidate to face George W. Bush for the sake of this nation. Getting involved now and latching on to the guy who has come out as the best candidate is what I have done — I’ve been on-board with Dean since early this summer.

What’s wrong with the other candidates? Well, unless you haven’t been paying attention (and most Americans haven’t), there is no passion from most of the Presidential candidates. John Kerry — US Senator – reminds me of a ghost even though he has credentials and an aristocrat background that might get him far. Almost all the candidates were pro-Iraqi-War while Bob Graham and Dean were against it from the get go. Guys like AL Sharpton, Caroline Mosely-Braun and Dennis Kucinech don’t get me excited at all and tend to be too far to the left. Sharpton specifically isn”t a realistic candidate.

But what makes Dean special, you ask? There’s just something with the Doctor that makes me think America can get back to where it was before Dubya screwed it up – making us a tyrant of the world (note – we’ve been tyrants for a lot longer than the Bush administration, but its been more acute under this regime). I believe Howard Dean can both resurrect the failed US economy, stop the corporate insanity as well as improve life for citizens across the country much better than anyone else.

Want to find out more? If you are on the Internet — it’s the greatest place to find out about Howard Dean. Seeing you are on my web site – you have got to be on the Internet so — hot shit! You can find out more! Check out Blog for America for reports from the Dean campaign itself.

Going to cut this short – talking to old friends.


This entry has a dual purpose because there’s an anecdote from the hospital that I’ve failed to report in here and there was something that happened today (that I already bitched to someone about) that just really made me feel like less than I do already.

Lets go back to the Hospital and my immediate recovery in there. I told this story to someone already but I just like it because it’s so strange and at the same time so demeaning.

I got out of post-op and started on my way back to normalcy feeling pretty good despite a little pain from the operation. I was generally in good spirits. Was waiting to hear from a few people on my pager and wanted to take my time before I found out who was going to contact me and stuff. The hospital chaplain came into my room and gave me a blessing, even though I am a very very rotten Catholic. Actually made me feel good, if still awkward with religion.

It may have been a day later when I had two older people — middle age — come into my room and start talking to me. I told them flat out that I couldn’t understand and they were very understanding about it and did what they could to accommodate me. They were Catholic reps and wanted to give me communion and stuff like that. I explained to them my discomfort with religion and instead of trying to lecture me, I got a very understanding response from both of them and told that God loves me anyway. I was offered some literature (religious pamphlets, I assume — if not the bible) and accepted, though I never got those papers from these two. It was another pleasant experience that left me a little more at ease with religion and all that, if still awkward.

Unfortunately that didn’t remain the case. Someone had to screw things up and it happened the day of my discharge where I was made to feel like an it — not a person, just a thing. Some heathen, a poor and tortured soul with no heart or mind.

Some woman came into the room — big teeth, hair down to her chin, and started speaking to me. My mom was in the room at the time and we both tried to explain that I couldn’t hear well so I didn’t know what the woman was saying. Instead of her making any attempt to communicate with me — she just nodded and smiled and started speaking… Saying over and over again (as I found out later) that God Loves me. She didn’t look at me as she spoke these words, and she wasn’t looking to the heavens when she was either. She looked at my hat. She acted like I wasn’t there. She basically made me feel like nothing in her blessings. She single handedly – through her good intentions — endorsed the caricature of religion that I have over the years grown to have.

A week of work, shattered for the Lord. Thank you, ma’am. My mom gasped and laughed at the ridiculous after it happened. All I could do was join her — it was just too outrageous.

What does this accomplish if someone goes out and tries to do something for someone but makes them humiliated in the process? What does it accomplish for either side? You think it leaves you in good standing or makes you feel good in your heart to know you did something while not knowing how terrible you made the other party involved feel? That’s something that has bothered me before when I have gotten less than stellar reactions to gifts or niceties from me – I didn’t want to do something that made someone feel bad (though I may very well have accomplished it without trying to).

Why am I ranting about this?

Well, I had another lesson in humility to night — feeling humiliated — as my darling older brother continued to make me feel less than I already do during my recuperation. I won’t go into details because I’m just not in the mood but I don’t need a mocking head nod from the asshole, nor do I need criticism for making attempts at things to achieve some normalcy in my life, or scornful remarks for trying to go down the stairs and having an accident in the attempt (leg “giving out” under me before I got off the top step). I want to get better, I’d like to get better with help, but god damnit — I don’t need this shit in order to do that. I know this is tough for my family and I have apologized a few times to my parents because of it… Mike, on the other hand, is going past the “Older brother” stage and making me feel like I’m just some inept, incompetent little shit that hinders everything in the household and makes life a living hell for those who live here.

I don’t know folks — I’ll fight on but it doesn’t get any easier when people make you feel less than you are. I already have enough shit that I am up against, I could use support and understanding. I could use an attempt by others to make a connection so I don’t feel like just another member of one’s quota. I could use some understanding and less abrasiveness and arrogance and scornfulness in order to get through this. It’s tough for everybody, but remember it’s toughest for me first (as selfish as that sounds) — I don’t just have to live with these difficulties, I have to live with the knowledge I am passing on all this pain to my loved ones and firends…. It’s not a burden I would want anyone to carry.


The morning of 9-11-01 I was sorta groggy — I had been nursing several Smirnoff Ice’s the night before and writing out several pages of a story that just shot the shit — it was my first real great creative writing attempt in a while and I had the notion to continue writing on September 11th just for the sake of trying to accomplish something with written words.

I was woken up at sometime after 9 — maybe it was after 10 — by my mom who had a written message saying that the World Trade Center had been bombed and that there was a car bomb at the Pentagon. At first hearing this, I didn’t think of how bad it was — the US was overdue when it came to an attack on us with the discontent sentiment from certain parties around the globe. It was after my mom said that one of the towers were gone that I started to view how bad things were.

I got up, grudgingly and put on CNN to see what was going on and witnessed the most surreal image of my life — the south tower of the World Trade Center stood a smoking stick in the sky and the north tower was gone — clouds of rubble surrounded the south tower.

I got on-line, going back and forth with the TV and the computer – I started talking to friends and the few who were on-line and in the know (my friend, Matt Rogish) shared a sentiment with me of the anger, outrage and hurt — “This is war! This is war!” I know I alerted several to what happened while on here — that’s right, broke the news of 9-11 to people who were on the west coast or were closed-minded enough not to realize there was a world beyond them (that’s a story in itself I will bitch about in the future).

Things progressed and I had a sick sense of anxiousness — waiting for the next leg of this attack, and it didn”t come, thank God.

9-11 was a morning that shook me to the core and let me witness the best in Americans shortly after the attack occurred )the days and weeks that followed). Now? Two years later — I feel betrayed by my government and by those who exploit not only the terrible tragedy that was 9-11 but exploit patriotism and our fear of another 9-11 to get their own will pushed on the masses.

Make no mistake, I am for strong national security, I am for a lot of things that prevent another 9-11 style attack… But I am also very much against things like the Patriot Act which were just sitting on a shelf, waiting for a national tragedy in order to get passed through congress. I am also very much against the Office of Homeland Security, as I have stated in the past. This is a job for the Defense Department, and streamlining national defense to get the red ink and the bullshit that CAUSED 9-11 in the first place, cleared up, should take precedence over starting wars for oil or going on an offensive mission to seek out terrorism. You can only start going strong on offense after you have a strong defense. 9-11 proved our defense is shaky – at best. (thank you, Tony Dungy, for teaching this important lesson to me)

Do I fear another attack in the future? Yes. I’m not living in terror, but I will say that war is coming and it will be unlike anything the world has seen before…

Mourn or Move on

I’m conflicted about tomorrow. Not conflicted as-so-much I don’t buy into the big thing a lot of the media will make tomorrow out to be…

A day of sadness, a day of mourning, a day of recollection, a day of worry, etc.

9-11 was a tragedy and the United States is doing a lackluster job both trying to avoid a repeat of such a tragedy as well as trying to move past that grisley event.

I’m not someone who wants to avoid the issue and dismiss what happened as nothing more than an event in life. I have saved video clips of the towers being struck specifically so I don’t forget. I would like to buy CBS’ 9-11 documentary because it brought back the fires in me over the attack every time I watched it….

But at the same time — I think it’s time we show we are moving on.

I start thinking about those who died in the attacks and wonder how they would take everything that has happened and after the shock wore off, they might get upset at how we are dealing with their memory and how we seem to die ourselves on this date (as we did with the 1 year anniversary), I think they’d be pissed off. Pissed off that there lives are memorialized though sadness.

While I was down and depressed the last week, I’ve been thinking a lot about “Hey Jude” and a reference to it that I made in “Ignorant Bliss” which is posted on my writing site. The song goes on in multiple layers with that endless refrain of Na Na Na’s at the end…. And it appeals to me with regards to 9-11. Why? Why should it? Because I am a Beatles fan? No, it goes beyond that — the song displays sadness and it also tells you that you have to go out and do and things will get better. Not just that, it shows UNITY at the end with it’s sing-along refrain… And there is strength in unity.

Something the United States has forgotten since the attack.

In one ear and out the other

It’s odd how many thoughts I had ready to jot down as a journal entry last night as I was enshrouded by insomnia — politics, random babble, defense of insecurities, attacking paranoia’s, etc, etc, etc….

And all of them have fallen out of my head and become chewing gum on the sidewalk of life — unable to be resurrected.

SO why am I typing up these trivial journal entries right now? I’m wondering that myself, I know others wondered that during their tenures on Der Stonegauge and I know others that read this journal probably get to that point where they wonder “What the hell is supposed to be entertaining about this?”

Well, it’s not for you (depending who is reading this), it’s for me.

That’s something I keep forgetting when it comes to writing down stuff — it was an escape from a lot of vileness and a lot of pain for a time and I am indulged by the pain and the vileness once again. The only problem is my collected thoughts that should make up something entertaining when amassed as written words amount to jack shit right now. And I hate Jack Shit, his breath smells.

I watched The Two Towers today and I was fairly disappointed at how the story turned. I mean, certain suspicions of mine were confirmed and other parts of the story just didn’t hold me like The Fellowship Of The Ring did. SO much going on, spread out, and so little time to tell the tale…

Then again, maybe I am just too f’n harsh on movies?

I also saw another Occupational Therapist today. I’ve seen 3 who have critiqued me in certain things since I got out of the hospital last week. This guy had me doing routine, trivial stuff and you know what? My legs couldn’t take it. Shortly after he left, I collapsed on the floor — my leg giving out much like it had just after I saw The Matrix Reloaded.

But in a lot of ways — it was GOOD that happened. Every time I’ve been working with someone, the tasks put in front of me have failed to challenge me. This guy made it difficult in a assessing way and I needed to put myself to task with his requests.

Question for anyone who wants to answer: Do you do something that another person seems fickle in response to, or wait until they show more enthusiasm (if ever) about the idea?

The War begins

It’s just past 6 minutes into the Buccaneers vs. Philadelphia Eagles game at Lincoln Financial Field in Philadelphia and I can’t believe the hype coming from the locals and from the national media — it feels like the NFC Title game all over again, yet I doubt a mad contingent will flock to Raymond James Stadium to greet the Buccaneers home after the game.

But seeing replays from last year, hearing quotes and seeing a god game so far has given me chills and brought to life some of my inner passion — which, for the record, doesn’t usually need to be brought to life, thankyouverymuch.

This also signals my escape from the void which has been plaguing me since I got out of the hospital on Wednesday. I haven’t broken down today or concentrated on the negative, and yet the negative remains and my heart is heavy with grief — gripping at air for the positives that are surely out there in a world that has become a graveyard to me.

Better day

I can’t say much more than that – I decided to get off my ass and stop being so lethargetic — with thanks to two things n particular – people and the end of movies about faith.

THanks Sarah.

Thanks Signs

Now if my day was more productive, maybe it would have earned a real journal entry? Alas, I did some talking online and got myself cleaned up and did a few more trips up and down the stair than I had been. Big F’m whoop — big deal for me though.


I really didn’t expect to be on here at all today from how my morning started and dragged on. I was very depressed along with not feeling great. I’m still extremely lethargetic and not very interested in doing anything in particular….

I had a grim morning – as I said – with my mind nit-picking on details of my own funeral and what I want. That’s how bad I was feeling… Blah.

I also talked to my younger brother on the phone tonight – I never call anyone on the phone and yet I called Andy for the first time and we just talked for a few minutes… From a rough and tumble image and a rough and tumble attitude — I got to see the pearly white of his soul in that conversation on the phone. It meant a lot to me…

Right now, I am completely lkost ladies and gentlemen. I’ve pretty much convinced myself I was right, wanting that second opinion — becasue any leg weakness I am having now is not a result of surgery on my upper back. I also convinced myself I have no goal to reach for — unless I get that back problem that is causing the leg weakness ultimately fixed.

And there is more — A distance of 900 miles and just how much a guy like me can mean to anyone else… No goals, failed ambitions, nothing to reach for except another’s hand.

Bad shape day

Today I got to know how bad I am right now. I got to see my body operating on it’s own without many things to save me.

I’ve fallen, tripped, drugged myself too much, or too little – take yoru pick. I’ve let my sorrows get me to nit-pick issues I shouldn’t and torture myself because of doing so… I’ve been with a therapist, I’ve been with a nurse… I’ve been no where and everywhere in the house all at one time.

I’ve seen the TV and seen I don’t want to watch anything on there. I’ve looked online and seen there’s only one person right now that I need and if circumstances were different – it wouldn’t be online need – it be a tangible need.

There are so many things I need to get to doing but right now I really should just take it easy and fart around – I am allowed. There so many things I want to do and can’t… so many things that I can do but won’t bring myself to do…

You’re allowed, John, to take a few days off. Or at least you might be…

Anecdotes from a hospital-based boytoy

Ah, the journal… Now if only I could start writing like a human being again. I’ve found out that I am typing mistakes more often and using incomplete sentences more often because I’ve been stuck on the T900 pager the last week and keeping things tied into my friends online through that.

There’s so much I can say here and so much I want to say – stuff still going on and stuff that I want to talk about to specific people but the time isn’t right.

My hospital stay started with a bang – well not really, it was more like an “Oh shit!” when I forced myself to look at the clock besides my bed and see that it was 6 Am. I was due at the hospital at 5:45… Crap. I jumped, got dressed and got the hell out of dodge… Didn’t get tied up in traffic and actually got to the Hospital before my scheduled operation time… Not just that, was only a few minutes late going into the OR.

Was it scary? Going under the knife is always scary but it wasn’t scary like last year. There was something still sitting with me that was scarier and I was trying to accept things as moving on because of it. O course, waking up and having a mask put on me again didn’t make me feel comfortable either but then again – blacking out and waking up in post-op was about what I expected next.

Though I did dream. Of what, I don’t recall, but I am certain I dreamt this time I was under. I don’t usually dream. Last time I dreamt anything, it was of green clouds during my first operation.

ANYWAY, I wake up in the Post-op/recovery center and I’m watching the clock, of all things, because I was hoping to catch someone on a TV Talk show at 12:30. Of course it’s around 2 at the time and my priorities are out of whack but then again – I guess this also showed my confidence now. Oh sure, I was in pain, I was in a neck brace, and I had little movement in my legs (Muscle relaxants) but I was ready to start recovery.

I’ll tell more soon, other things take precedence now – like sleep.

Back to the Wall with the Sword in the hand…

Aye, lads and lasses, John is home…

Thank you so much, Sarah, for a few days of entries — I really didn’t want the site to turn to silence for a few days without me around, it just didn’t feel like a good precedence to set if I had it happen.

There’s a lot to talk about here from the last 7 days — how I am, how things will be in the future, “Questions in the Dark”, anecdotes and dopes on ropes….

Will give you an update soon enough… is in dire need of an entry too so I have my writing cut out for me today.

There’s more I want to say now but I can’t for the moment. And it’s best I talk directly to someone when the opportunity presents itself…

Six Flags Water Park

I was healthy enough to go to the wonderful Six Flags St. Louis park today, so I woke up at 8 am to my stereo. The week before I moved in, there was a blackout because a transformer had a problem. Today they were fixing the problem, and they pre-warned us that the power would be out from 6 am until 11 am today. So thank God I put batteries in my stereo before I left home, just in case. Otherwise my roommate and I would have had to wake up to a cell phone alarm.

Also, my dorm happens to be in the basement, and for one reason or another, they never installed emergency lights. As soon as you walked into the hallway, the only light was the exit signs at either end. The bathroom had some light in it, luckily, because of the window. About 45 minutes later, my roommate and two other girls from my floor were ready to go. I was thinking about grabbing my jacket, but then I decided that I wouldn’t want to carry it with me if I didn’t need it.

That was a mistake.

We got on the bus and you could tell it had been raining all night, and it was sprinkling. The sky didn’t show any hope for clearing off, but we thought it would surely stop sometime during the day.

The park was great because there were no lines. We rode Mr. Freeze, Batman, a Scooby Doo ride (you had laser guns that you could shoot at targets while floating through this ride..and yes, it’s made for little kids), Ninja, The Boss, and some other little fair rides.

However, the rain never stopped. In fact, it began to downpour. I didn’t have a part of my body or a piece of clothing that was dry by noon, and we weren’t going to be picked up until 5. The rain stung your face when you were on any fast moving ride so opening your eyes was unthinkable. We decided at one point to try to get out of the rain and go to a show. It was so cold because of the air conditioning that we left before the show even started. So we stood. We stood and waited under awnings, we found a place selling hot chocolate, and then we stood there for probably a half hour. Occasionally I would go to the bathroom and wring my shirt out because it was so wet.

Then we heard that the park was closing at 3 instead of at 8pm. But wait, our bus wasn’t coming until 5! We wandered around, riding some other things for another hour until 3pm. We found a pay phone and called the coordinator for the trip–thank God two girls I was with remembered the number he dictated to us on the bus before we left.

He said he’d call the bus company for us and be sure that it got there early. It was already 3, though, and we were at least 40 minutes from our school. We didn’t expect the bus until 4. About 3:20, we were told by a security officer to go out to the pavilion where people purchase their parking passes and wait for our bus.

No more than ten minutes after we had been moved to the pavilion, the coordinator for the trip showed up. He couldn’t get hold of the bus company. The dispatcher wasn’t working or some B.S. like that. So we were stuck there until 4:30, freezing cold and soaking wet.

So, now that I’m feeling healthy again, I only hope that today doesn’t send me into another sick spell. I have to admit though, today wasn’t a total loss. I met some new people, got to ride every ride I wanted without a wait, and had some fun doing it all.