Month: August 2003


Lost that healthy feeling

I’m planning on going to Six Flags in St. Louis tomorrow and hopefully everything will go alright. If you look, there was no entry yesterday. The reason things might not work out for me going to Six Flags and the reason there was no entry happens to be the same. Yesterday I was miserably sick. Terrible sinus headaches, stuffy nose, sore, ichy throat, ichy eyes, and I can’t hear myself talk.

Last night I woke up at about 2:30, my roommate had just come home, and I couldn’t fall back asleep because my body ached and I started coughing. I ended up going and taking a really hot shower, trying to let the steam help me breath again.

When I first woke up this morning I wasn’t feeling nearly as bad. I still wish I were home in my bed…with a stove where I can make some soup…and lay on the couch and watch a tv where I know what channel corresponds to the number. I suppose I’m home sick, though, I think “at college and sick” defines it better. I’m about the only one who didn’t go home because they were sick. Everyone else’s parents picked them up or they drove home.

Anyway, I’ll most likely be laying in my bed all day again. Today I’ve got to try to do some kind of work…school work or just cleaning up…I’ll be bored to death if I don’t.

Día Aburrido

It’s friday night and I’m sitting in my dorm room doing nothing. That’s really pathetic as some of you may know from going to college. Today has been eventful enough for me, though. I have a really sore throat, I’ve been sneezing, and I think I just need to slow the pace down a bit.

The day was rather uneventful. Once again, Spanish brought the hilight of my day. We talked a lot, so my throat started to hurt, but after class I had my first one-on-one encounter with a college guy. He was in my small group for the class period, and we were talking about different stuff in spanish..and when we’d have class next. “See ya on Tuesday!” he said. Yeah, so I felt good. Senior named Stew. Nice guy.

I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that he’s in love with me or anything like that. He asked me about our Spanish Lab that he missed. He wanted to know what we did and if attendance was taken. That’s all that really matters to most students. Anyway, after last night, I think I’d come off really wishy-washy if I drooled all over this guy I hardly know. He was really nothing to drool over anyway.

Damn..I just sneezed again. This really sucks. I think I’m going to call it a night (at least for the journal entry thing) and go chat with some people online tonight. I’m trying to keep to myself in my dorm, so I don’t infect others. Plus a lot of people have left for the long weekend, and those left went out tonight. Not many around to converse with.

John should be back tomorrow, I believe..we’ll see. He says he’s doing well, and “site traffic will return to normal levels without your presence on the site.” Does that mean they’ve dropped or they’ve gone up, and will return to normal?? Why don’t you let me know and leave a comment or two, so I know how many people are actually reading this. It’d be really cool…plus it’d make John a little jealous I think…lol. Not that I want to, but I think he has a really nice site that not many get to see. So tell your friends! I look forward to hearing from you!


I’m quite sad right now..without a reason really. I’m quite lonely and I have this yearning inside of me that just wishes I had someone here to curl up with and watch a movie or to sit and talk with while we listen to music. The feeling is indescribable to me…like fingernails on a chalk board it really gets me to the point where I want to grit my teeth or throw my head into my pillow until I pass out from exaustion.

It has taken my energy away and made me feel a wave of depression sweep through. I am supposed to be reading my history but I cannot focus to do so. I cannot focus enough to do much of anything, especially writing a journal entry. Generally when I get in this mood I write until my little hand cannot take any more writing or I type until my wrists hurt. There are just so many thoughts that I throw down on paper or onto the screen that I could go through for you right now.

Quite frankly, when I fall into this slump I feel like talking to John the most..he can usually bring me out of it. He’s the one guy I’ve almost always been able to depend on for anything. I can’t wait until he gets back to talk to him..after being away from him for a while I start to feel like part of me is missing..somehow he seems to bring it out in me.

I think he knows that…I think he feels the same too. So maybe I’m not feeling a sort of loneliness..maybe it’s more of a heartache.

Well…that’s all for tonight. I think I’m going to just lay on my bed and let my mind wander for the next couple hours.

Beautiful Day

Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.

What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.

Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.

Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.

Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.

Glimpse of Heaven

I saw a beautiful and rare sight today as I went to class at 8 AM. On my way towards the stairs I heard that it was raining outside so I grabbed a jacket out of my darkened dorm and made my way to the lobby of the Griesedeck Complex. It was my first time to see the campus after a downpour. The trees were dripping, grass seemed greener, and one could smell the dust that was beaten down in the rain. It was relatively calm all around. As I gazed across the campus skyline, I saw the powerful steeple of the University Church jutting into the air. It seemed as if a person could climb to the top of the steeple and leap into heaven. You see, the storm was building on the right side, and other ominous clouds were crowding toward it on the left. The sun could barely peek through, but the light that escaped through this gateway was brilliant and of a rich color. I think this morning while God was “moving some furniture around” (my excuse for thunder when I was little), St. Xavier, the patron saint of the church, was smiling on all of the freshman leaving Gries for their 8 o’clock class.

I’m sure everyone wonders who I am. John isn’t in college… he doesn’t live in a dorm. My name’s Sarah. This is my entry. John left this in my hands for the next couple days while he’s undergoing surgery and recovery. I have great faith that he will be back in only a few days and you will not have to deal with my crappy writing.

I’ll give you a bit of my background just for the hell of it basically….I’m from a small town in Illinois, just outside the Quad-City area. I’m 18 years old and I’m now attending Saint Louis University, home of the Billikens. Woo Hoo! My graduating class at home was 59, and I have twice that many people on two floors of my dorm. It’s and adventure so far, but it’s definitely an adventure that I’m learning to love. The paragraph above about the clouds this morning was written between classes of mine, and I decided to include it in here as kind of an opening.

John and I met in a chat room over a year ago, and although he never says my name in his journal entries, he’s talked about me once or twice. Actually more than that even. Usually I appear in here when we’re arguing about something..I don’t really like arguing with John because it takes so much out of me, but shit happens I suppose. I know he realizes this, and I do to….I always come back. It may take a few days, weeks or even months, but I do. Although we’ve never actually met in person, I think we probably will someday. I don’t know if he thinks that, but I still do.

Well, until tomorrow folks, take care and God bless. (And I promise tomorrow will be better!)

Famous last words

A stoned out, paranoid Russell Hammond preaches to writer William Miller from the top of a house… “And you can tell Rolling Stone magazine that my last words were… I’m on drugs!!!!” The party crowd at said house roars in wild response.

William says, “Russell! I think we should work on those last words!”

“I got it, I got it. Last words… Last words… Ok…. I dig music…? ” (ganders at the audience who nod in disappointed acceptance)
“I’m on drugs!!!! ” — the crowd explodes in a drunken, drugged out euphoria and Russell Hammond, lead singer of Stillwater, plunges to a watery grave (OK, he just sunk to the bottom of the pool)…

Something tells me this entry is a far less dramatic departure from the scene… And I don’t think this is a said “departure,” much like a didn’t think the music was over or the book finished in other instances of my life, and that has proved true in one fashion or another. It’s just putting off for a while and then resuming the music with a different beat, a different subject in the next chapter of the novel…

So, with that in mind and the fact I am being JUST a little too strange in my departing words, I turn the reigns over for the meantime to someone that i have both lauded, melted over and maligned in this journal in one way or another before — Sarah.

I’ve been told I’ll be back in 3 days time, well — three days after surgery. Saturday or Sunday. Sarah’s going to try to hold the fort down but then again, this is her first foray into blogging from what i know… Likely she will show herself to be a damn sight better than I am in my whiny, ranty form… And more ENTERTAINING to boot, perchance?

Take care folks, see you when the next endeavor presents itself…

T-Minus hours, minutes, seconds

Spent the morning / early afternoon at the hospital with Pre-op stuff. It’s funny how easy it is to choke on something when you don’t chew it — or how painful it can be when you have difficulty continuing to swallow what you are choking on…

I also have something sorta freaking me out that I’ve been thinking about since Bill reminded me of it this weekend — last year, when I had my neck operation, it would seem that everyone downstairs knew just who I was when Bill asked where I happened to be. Am I more famous at the hospital than I know? A celebrity that doesn’t pull in a paparazzi of my own? Mayhap. Then again, it could have just been on steaming pile of coincidence, hold the cream cheese.

Meanwhile, my Spectra 22 is on the fritz. For those of you who have no clue what I’m talking about, it’s the device I use with the ABI in my head to let me hear. It’s been down since this weekend and proving to be a pain in the ass to get it fixed.

Hmmphf, figures.

On a less personal note — the GAO issued a report that Dick Cheney covered up corruption in the Bush administration Energy policy. My only reaction to that is, “Well, Duh!”

And I believe I do have a guest writer for Der Stonegauge while I am away… I’ll touch on that later on, hopefully.


T minus a day and a matter of hours.

I ranted to a few people today about how I am right now and I really came to the clear realization I don’t like focusing on myself. I mean, I’ve been called selfish when I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m high strung with certain things — picky-choosy. That’s not being selfish. Being selfish is doling out one’s life over and over again and making yourself the subject of items. I don’t like to do that when I have bad news to share, I’d rather share the positives and we all know things aren’t exactly positive for me right now. Then again, i can share my negatives when I know I’m truly SHARING with someone and it isn’t just a casual relationship.

I also need something to prop me up, I guess, emotionally. Fluff my ego and all that. Friends have wanted to help me out if they can but there’s not much one can do to help. Some have said “I wish I could take away your problems” — that’s likewise. Others can just agree that things suck right now and get brash on the fact I’m down… While others ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?

A venerable cornucopia of reactions to a NF2 patient who’s about to have an operation on his spine.

In other news, I forgot to tell you all that Lou got back to me with lesson four and….

Loved it!

Oh, yeah, I still need to work on things. For all of my reviewing of the story (previously published on this site, “Thank god for Arthur” and my editing down of the story, it still had a few flaws, but it really came out good. I need to be more clear with italics (I tried a technique some authors use with italicizing personal thoughts, which was a no no),and get more comfortable with dialogue (I’m actually comfortable with it, it’s grammar around dialogue and quotes that I need to work on) but all in all…

“Mavelous, dahling!”

Any requests to see the finished product?

The Coming

You’re conceived. When you’re born, you come to be, as it’s known. You come into the world. You come into your family and your journey through life begins. That’s the start of the comings of life.

You come into a lot of things and as you progress in life, mature, you start coming with things. Yes, that’s the sex reference there. Your life becomes the coming – the desire to come with another. Of course there’s more TOO life than that, I am just using it as a reference.

And you end up letting someone else come into the world through this. Your desire, that primal urge to copulate equals more comings than goings.

That brings up death and what I have a problem with – if your life is guided by the comings – or pushed ahead on the comings – who can say that we “go” to someplace with death? “You’re going to heaven because you’ve been true to yourself, you didn’t lie, steal, cheat or kill and it’s all good.” “You rotten bastard, you’re going to hell! All you’ve ever done is lie to me!”

You could phrase death as things “Coming to a close” but coming to a close doesn’t give you the perception that there is anything more after it. You could be coming to an apex of your being that goes beyond what we know and what we don’t… Or, there might be some other coming that we don’t even comprehend – that our minds are too feeble to comprehend.

All of this inspired by a video on HBO where a son told his mother, “You go be with Jesus now…” It didn’t sound right to me, It didn’t feel right to me…. Go to it, go away from it, go be part of it… There are so many times we try to GO and fail… And yet when we COME – it’s only success. Surely there are more examples of comings in life as opposed to goings…?

Coming to a head

C7 / T1 is not the tumor that is causing my legs to be weak, it’s not the tumor causing my sensation loss among other things.

It is, however, the tumor Dr. Smith wants to operate on, which would likely put me in dire straights afterwords because I wouldn’t be getting up out of bed — I’d be sitting in a wheelchair, unable to walk because my legs are so weak (and likely more).

The reaction I get from people is mixed — some want me to nuck-the-fuck-up, as I like to put it… Others don’t listen to me, while others can’t comprehend. My mom admittedly puts off problems — that’s how this got that far out of control to begin with, putting off and putting off and putting off. I’m so fucking SICK of putting off, and yet part of me wants to PUT OFF going after this upper back tumor in order to go after the one that causing the problems I am having in my lower portion of my body.

“But for fucks sake” I can repeat all the negatives only so much while wanting something to happen and unfortunately nothing gets done.

I made mention above about my mom telling me she puts off — she also asked in that conversation if I want to move out and never got a straight answer from me. I told her I can’t afford to, that I don’t have the money to pay for it and what not… I didn’t tell her the obvious though, “Yes I want to move out. Yes I want to be on my own, have my own place, call my own shots and all that jazz which I haven’t been able to do since things started going downhill.”


Cure Me or Kill Me

This song is so appropriate right now (ok, the title more than the verse)…

Cure me… or Kill me
By Gilby Clare

When the last car hit the wall
Was the guilt still in or head?
In your magic crystal ball
Is the power that made you mad

You can’t save yourself,
it’s a pleasure cruise
You’re damned for a million years

There’s a viper in your bedroom
Under the sheets is tarantula fuzz
When she bites, she bites for murder
I bleed the Addams Family blood

There’s a spell on me that I can’t reverse
It’s a sympathy cross you burn

Cure me or kill me..
But don’t leave me here for dead again
Cure me or kill me..
But don’t leave me here for dead again

This is your last happy Christmas
Your worst Birthday party
The cyanide in your poison ring
Wouldn’t cure my misery

Don’t bury me when I’m history
I think you’ll find an easy way out

Someone want to clarify something for me?

Is James Clayton in The Recruit NOC or is he a wash out that got used by a dirty CIA agent?

I watched it late last night and I know this question isn’t supposed to hang with you but it is hanging with me… Don’t know why for sure… I knew Al Pacino’s character was the dirty one but I wasn’t quite sure about the ending of the film….

A year removed

Well, 365 Days ago I had two very big events in my life…

And honestly I don’t know what to tell you in text. A year removed from my neck operation and I am sort of missing — not the operation but the contentment I found in mutual feelings for someone.

Beddy Bye

Well, today’s moving day for thousands — if not millions — of teens and young adults as they go out to college and start their higher education career and a new life in general. Tonight for some (such as a few friends of mine — Terrable, Sarah) are sleeping in their own beds for the last time for weeks or months.

Actually, it’s their last night to be able to use the term “my own bed” period. As of tomorrow – it’s not your bed any more. Does that sound odd? Or feel odd? It’s not supposed to, I’m not trying to put a scare into anyone, but tomorrow is end of one part of your life that they’ve known and the beginning of another. Where home will not feel the same in the not-too-distant future when they return there, and their bed – though comfortable compared to what they had in the past — just doesn’t feel the same for one reason or another.

It’s not your own bed any more. It used to be your bed, alas, no more. Your bed is in your apartment or the one in your dorm. Some day it’ll be something else when you further move out on your own to some place and time that isn’t the here and now. It’s lonely thinking of this in some ways and it’s torture in others… It’s moving on from the past and striving forward into the future.

But as all that moving forward is going, I’m going to go sleep in my own bed tonight and crumble up in my comforter as I have for the past 13 years and find slumber while tucked among my pillows. It’s the one familiar in my life — the one constant… Maybe that’s been the same for you and your bed? Whatever it is, there’s no place like home… And when you’re home, there’s no place like that specific spot you’ve been sleeping

For now my heart is going to go get snuggled cozily into my own bed. It might be too small, it may be aging, it does have a smell — but it’s my little piece of heaven. It’s the one place on earth I only want to share with special persons (heh, tell that to my parents for every time they took a seat on my bed when I was sick and nagged me to move so they could sit on the mattress), it’s the only place in the world I’m guaranteed solitude. It’s the only place in the world where my mind can run un-bridled with dreams.

It’s beddy bye time. And whenever that moment comes around for everyone else, I’m hoping they can find just as much comfort and peace in their beds – wherever they may be – as I find in mine.

Funny Bones, lack of drones

I am SO disturbed…

corrupt thy children! Worth 1000

He he he he… I don’t know what’s more disturbing – me laughing my ass off at these pictures or me forcing them on other people? .

So things aren’t much better for me as it stands right now – and I’m talking on many levels here when I say this. I’ve had ideas to write but I haven’t gotten them down on paper or on the journal. I called Doc Smith’s office today and what happened? I got told to fax him after telling his secretary I have no fax. Hmmphf. Figures, right?

I suggest to a friend that they write a satire article and submit it to Red Tide News because the one’s he has been posting on the Buccaneer usenet newsgroup have been funny as hell… And what happens? I get some asshole snipping at me because he believes no one goes to Red Tide News any more and that my firend in question woudl be better off posting on the Newsgroup where he would get “much more traffic”…. Right….

In other news… I’ve actually brought myself to venture back onto the venerable and everlasting FanBone. Not much though, seeing I am just out of it with sports. I am not in it with politics either even though everyone should think otherwise with that…

Loneliness, Southbound

So what have I done the past four days in my house? Just about everything…. Alone at that.

In fact I went and put on a pot of coffee for my parents about the time their flight got in. You know, Mr. Nice Guy and stuff like that. I would never do some shit like this if I wasn’t craving attention in some way. How was I thanked? I think I got 10 words total out of both my parents when I talked to them. Oh, they could give me the rub that they were tired — or someone else might make that case with me – but they sure as shit had a lot to talk about with my older brother. They weren’t as dismissive or non-inquiring about things.

And what about John?

Lets see, I’m using a WALKER to keep my balance at times around the house, I can’t just leave the house… I’ve been stuck here with someone who believed I couldn’t handle shit in the house alone and yet he was also someone who wouldn’t bother trying to talk to me much — if at all — the entire time.

To say the least, I’ve been lonely. I’m still lonely… I don’t know how the hell I am going to get through the next few weeks in the hospital feeling like this, because it’s not like I’m going to have people stopping by much.

I’m lost. Plain and simple, I am lost.


I’ll try to be back later to provide something of substance (like THAT happens?) as an entry later on but I want to ask if anyone is interested in guest blogging starting August 27th….

I’ll be indisposed for an unknown amount of time after that. I was hoping Miguelito would do me the favor but he’s already scheduled a trip around that time.

Man, things suck right now…

All Apologies

All Apologies:

What else should I be?
All apologies
What else should I say?
Everyone is gay
What else could I write?
I don’t have the right
What else should I be?
All Apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I’m married

I wish I was you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything’s my fault
I’ll take all the blame
Aqua sea foam shame
Sunburn with freezer-burn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I’m Married

All in all is all we are
All in all is all we are
All in all is all we are (repeat X number of times)

(copyright Nirvana – please don’t threaten litigation )


OK, I am not an accomplished writer — officially yet… that’s not what this entry is about.

I’m not an accomplished Smart ass… Well, wait a minute.. Um, strike that…

No on no, I meant to say that the day was full of accomplishments that I didn’t even set out to accomplish. You think when you get on your own in one way or another things would be a lot more tough because you are responsible for everything now – laundry, cleaning up, etc. I actually enjoyed it, for the most part. I figure when I’m no longer alone for the majority of the day, I will just bitch that “You know, I might have done this all along if you hadn’t bitched to me as a kid that this was YOUR house.”

Your house… hmm… That gives me Whit House political rants to nag at you, the reader, and the fact that the current occupant is working in spite of the citizens of the Untied States, but then again, I think I will skip that.

Here’s a true life confession from family about the blackout yesterday in New York and the Northeast —

I was in NYC- on the 18th floor of the Hotel Pennsylvania – walked down (got
pretty dizzy) ….went up to 41st and 7th…then got evicted from IFS’ NYC
showroom on 41st when they evacuated – stranded at Penn Station – literally
laying on the road at 34th street across from Macy’s and the entrance to the
LIRR ….until 1 am when I hitched a ride with a messenger service driver
and 6 other people headed for Ronkonkoma. Sat on the mail with a hand truck
in my back. I had no cash because someone had stuffed something in the ATM
machine slot that morning – Only $22 dollars in my pocket (that will never
happen again), 2 bottles of water, a half bag of pretzels, a nectarine (my
survival supplies) and no bathroom. I couldn’t reach Eric for 5 hours so he
was worried sick. We couldn’t reach his Dad until 11 am this morning!

I’m basically tired and screwed. But happy nothing really bad happened.

Fun stuff — an adventure, albeit an annoying adventure, yet an adventure ever still.


Well, day one of being home alone goes by without incident. Well, sorta.

New York and the Northeast, as many of you already know, has gone into the dark. Of course it’s brighter in NYC than it is in Tampa Florida as it stands at this moment as I gander back over my shoulder to watch TV. I am amazed at the City that Never Sleeps and how they are dealing with this. The city and the tri-state area as well as most lf the Northeast have been through this before and aren’t entirely alienated by the notion of the city without power. Hearing about the blackout didn’t shake me so much because I knew NYC and the northeast weren’t strangers to this. What did shake me were the images of those in Manhattan flocking out of the city across the bridges and mingling on the streets.

Horrors of 9-11 came back to my mind.. yet there was something that brought peace to my mind this time – something that made me happy enough and proud enough to write this entry up: the citizens, though inconvenienced, are all smiles and going through what they have. You know, I’ve grown to resent the statement that New York is the greatest city int he world (mostly because of those Damned Yankees) but it’s situations like this that just proves it — that Manhattan Island and those int he 4 boroughs adjacent to it are residents of the greatest city in the world. When faced with adversity, New Yorkers overcome. Too bad the rest of the Nation hasn’t taken lessons in this.

Questions in the Dark

For an audience of one:

How was the show Wednesday night? Certain friends told me about it a few weeks ago….

An Insomniacs Confession

Once again, I struggle to sleep. 2 AM comes around and I find I can go on till 3 just fine and dandy. Before 3 hits, I am off to my bed where I hope gentle slumbers will take me for a pleasant trip to Dreamland… Yet sleep doesn’t come. I toss, I turn, I let my mind run…

3:15, 3:45, 4:15, 4:57…

It was after 5 AM when I finally fell asleep. This is ridiculous.

Speaking of ridiculous, is there anyone who actually finds these entries enjoyable? Because they are either too personal a confession or just… I don’t know, repetitive rants of the liberal kind.

The last thing I should be doing is questioning my writing right now because that’s all I’ve got, or so it feels sometimes.

The death of a Green by the hands of the Greens

I just wrote a piece about something that happened to me over at Either click on the link provided or read the extended entry.
Read More


And now my site has changed in oh-so-many ways
The “Home” extension seemed to vanished in the haze

Damnit, i kept trying to finish that verse/parody from Help! and it just didn’t quite happen.

The site’s URL is now — sans the home. I’m still working on making sure all the links are A-OK. Please feel free to leave a comment int he comments box to tell me if something is phuckered.


Home Alone (should I stay or should I go?)

My great aunt Cassie died yesterday and my mom is very broken up about it. Her and my father are planning on leaving for Massachusetts for four days to attend the funeral 00 that’s if they don’t drive up there – and either that leaves me home (mostly) alone or gives me the chance to get out of town for a few days.

Not really the circumstances I want and not really what I want right now.

My legs aren’t doing well at all and being home alone now is not my ideal. Niether is going on a trip 1500 miles to mingle with people I don’t know and be stuck with my parents more than I am as it stands. I am planning on staying home but Miguel is harping that I should go with them because he won’t be around in case something bad happens.

Yeah, like being 1500 miles from home is going to keep me from having something bad happen to me? I’d be alone in that case as well as alone by staying here… and by staying here, at least I’d be entertained and be able to get in touch with those close by if something bad happened. There? I’d be alienated and have to deal with the ‘Rents too much.

I’m opting for staying here. Worst that can happen is getting in an accident and struggling to a phone and calling 911.

Sure it will be lonely but it’s a sight better than being annoyed all the time.

Night Life

Insomnia unlimited take 3.

I was at Andy’s place with Andy and Mike tonight and we were all hanging out and putting together ideas what he could do to the place to improve it. I really couldn’t believe we were hanging out together at my brothers own house… It just seemed surreal. I was in Andrew’s own 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home.

He painted the place — at least the living and dining room. He’s also treated the shelves so they aren’t plain white any more. He’s cleaned up the kitchen a bit — stripping paint off the capinets… But by god, he’s got to replace his bathroom stuff — STAT! FUGLY Toilet, FUGLY sink, FUGLY bath tub — UGH!

I really need to bring the camera over there and take some pictures. The view from the kitchen and the patio is terrific and the rooms are rather nice…The yard could use a nice shade tree compared to the ratty bushes that are there…

The drawl of the day continues

I’m looking for a positive today – some positive that effects me directly instead of all these negatives hanging over me or swirling around me.

Where’s the surprise? Where’s teh unexpected? Where’s the change-up? Something’s got to jar it’s head into my life to get me back on track because I am drowning right now.

Put off

Surgery was put off till the 27th

And I don’t feel good about having an extra week.

The day the earth stood still

The title of this entry says it all.

five days of rain once again…. Nothing much else to it all… Legs are failing, people are failing – I’m failing them as well.

Sleep-Deprivation: The source of Famine the world over

Insomnia sucks…

I mean it really sucks. Sure, it’s 2:30 when I write this — in the afternoon. This was after I was up till close to 5 AM just tossing and turning and trying to find something to help me drift off into golden slumbers.

My mind was running in circles and honestly I should have just gotten up and written for a while in order to find some escape – that was working for me earlier this summer… The thing is I want to write explanations and at the same time – explanations are why I ended up taking actions that need to be explained in the first place.

That’;; make sense to no one. Maybe that’s my sleep deprivation talking, I don’t lnow… can someone pass me the espresso?

In other news, I spent 3 hours at Andy’s place yesterday afternoon… It’s got a ton of potential but at the same time – it’s a pigsty and grossly outdated. At least one of the bathrooms need to be totally gutted and replaced, the kitchen and “pool room” as Andy described it, hast a ton of potential… The living room / dining room remind me of my uncle Alan’s place… Oh, but the view in the backyard is stellar with the pond back there. I really need to take some digital snapshots of the house when I get a chance – hopefully this weekend…


Andy has his house now… He closed on it (despite some setbacks – including his mortgage company being destroyed in Memphis, Tennessee storms) today….

He’s also back with Adriane which surprised the hell out of both me and my mom.

Observations on "Pie Fucker 3"

Jason Biggs described himself in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back perfectly while he was being arrested…

“I’m the Pie Fucker! I’m the Pie Fucker!”

Unfortunately that’s the only role Jason gets questioned about — or when he’s being asked about other things… Pie Fucking ends up one of those questions that comes up. Pretty nice distinction to have about yourself, isn’t it? “I was a teenage pie-fucker”…

Ok, why am I talking about the copulation of Jason Biggs and an Apple Pie? Because I saw Pie Fucker 3… er.. American Pie 3….er… American Wedding this afternoon where we continue the gross outs and the odd sexual situations that Jim ends up getting himself into. He ruins a wedding cake, he gets head at the most uncomfortable time…

And his bride doesn’t even talk about Band Camp in this one. I feel ripped off!

Serious, American Wedding wasn’t that bad a piece of cinema from a cast that you knew for the most part – Jim, Michelle (Say my name bitch!), Finch, Stifler, Jim’s Dad, Kevin Myers…

This wasn’t Jim’s movie like American Pie 2 was (American Pie was just a general exploration of teenage sexuality inthe late 1990’s). There were plenty of things that revolved around Jim and Jim’s wedding but for the most part this was Steve Stifler’s movie. Trying to hook up with Michelle’s sister, trying to throw a great bachelor party, ruining and then saving Jim and Michelle’s wedding… Seann Williams Scott got the big role of the movie.

And I will not be one to say American Pie is dead because this married Michelle and Jim (though I do think you won’t see anyone back for a 4th). There is arguably a 4th movie out there that would explore — and this gets a little gross to think about it — the trials and tribulations of a couple expecting their first child. Of course, we’ve seen that in Nine Months but then again – that was a lot more gentle and a lot less of a gross out than any American Pie movie has been.

Oh, and for those who haven’t seen it – don’t mistake Allyson Hannigan for Tara Reid in the movie… That’s who she resembles more times than not for some strange reason. I don’t mean because she’s a party girl or a blonde but I just mean she isn’t bubbly as much as she was in AP and AP2.

Overall good movie — for a gross out. Worth seeing.

First Name Last, Last Name First

I started realizing a dilemma that I’m going to be facing if I am in the writing realm… It’s actually something I noticed a long long time ago but didn’t think it would have any effect on me because I didn’t know where I was going with things with my life. The fact I am getting into writing and — possibly — going to make a name for myself through fiction and other writings causes one slight, teensie little problem.

My name.

You see, John Fontana is a really popular guy. I mean REALLY popular. Not only was he a bartender in New York (My grandfather — known as Giovanni Petra to his parents, I believe, from what my mom was telling me) and the guy I got my name from… He also is a Senior Editor at Network World Fusion and Linux World, a writer for Infoworld and CRM Daily… Not to mention a baseball coach as well as a thousand other things out there.

John’s a popular guy… Real popular. I mean, he even worked on “Bag of Bones” for Stephen King!

Of course, JP Fontana is a wacky Frenchman writer and that causes me some more grief but not as much as I could be having over it.

I need to make a habit out of calling myself John P. Fontana (or J.P. Fontana — I like that one)… I could see a future where some guy gets a call asking to pen an article for a fiction magazine and they were looking for me the entire time… Or me getting asked “When did you get into writing like that, John? I thought you dealt with only the tech stuff?

Internet Boogie

So anyway….

I’ve been finishing going over assignment 4 and I actually killed off the happy-ending for the sake of the plot twist. Not so much a plot twist but a more realistic ending. If I had 2500 words or more, I probably would have further gone into things but alas – 2000 words is the limit and I’ll stay under it, thank you very much.

Meanwhile, I’ve been over at Blog for America and doing my regular political shuffle over at Kill the Web the past few days… Pretty often in fact… All of this and I’ve also been over at trying to add news bits here and there. I could use some help to be honest, because I don’t think I’m keeping things news-worthy….

Then again, I could also invest more time in this stuff… I proposed to Toe that it would be beneficial if I started coming up with some heavy political satire to go along with his outrageous and much loved/detested web site. I mean, just LOOK at this beautiful stuff he’s writing on his own…

Makes you wanna join the party, don’t it??

At any rate, I need to get my shit together and send out assignment 4… Also calling Doctor Smith’s office is going to be a necessity if I can’t find out some details about surgery or get in touch over the web…

The Matrix has you

I’m testing out a new feature that I enabled for one reason or another.This will give you the chance to read something I wrote over at Kill The Web

As one who is on the progressive side of the fence with my political views, I feel like one of those freed from the Matrix and having to fight against the Machines in order to make things right again. I feel like Politicians in general right now are agents and either a citizen who remains in ignorance about the wrongs in America is an enemy up until their mind is freed, because those Agents and politicians will use them through their propoganda to support their own personal means.

Der Long Ridge and contested "Affections"

So as I stated in a previous entry that I got assignment 3 back on Saturday. After pinning Sunday and writing my entry for Monday on and off during the day before publishing it Monday morning… Well, I got back in the saddle with writing. Not writing, per se but editing.

Assignment 4 is due to be 1000-2000 words and I thought that there were ways to achieve that without trying to write a story fresh from scratch… even though I have a few concepts jotted down in a notebook I now can’t find, and plenty of stories I started but never finished, saved to my computer.

Back to the topic — Assignment 4. I decided to take a stab at editing “Thank God for Arthur” down to within the parameters… I was intimidated when I started — Seeing the unedited version of the story is 2791 words… Trimming 791+ words looked to be a task.

And yet, after just two simple passes over the story — I’m down to 1980 words… Pretty hot shit! I think it could be submitted as is. I’ll go over it again before printing out a copy and trying to spot errors in that before throwing out my final copies for the class.

Tres cool, no?

Meanwhile, I was looking around late last night on Pif Magazine while pinning and trying to find a local magazine to submit an edited Assignment 3 to… I stumbled across a writing magazine called Glmmter Train and decided to take a risk — a 10 dollar risk — and submit my edited version of Assignment 2 to their Very Short Fiction contest with a handsome 1200 dollar first place prize. Then again, I don’t know if they’ll even consider a story under 1000 words :(.

Maybe it was wrong of me to just dive in without researching Glitter Train much… but the hell with it — what did I have to lose (besides 10 dollars)? What do I have to gain?

Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days

It was a year ago today that J.P. Fontana got some press today
And though he is pretty much out of style, he tries his best to raise a smile

I got up this morning and was reading the paper – Sunday edition of the St. Petersburg Times — like I normally would when it hit me that it was this Sunday last year that I got a little press over a situation that was going on with me and Apple Corp. LTD.

I’ve been making mention of it being a year later and they can’t quite believe it’s been a year since that happened. Hell, neither can I. I’m trying to think back a year ago and in a lot of ways I think I was better off then than I am now — I was scared but I was also determined to try to cause a ruckus over the whole thing. Scared — more because of surgery that was facing me than because of the whole fight. I was intimidated and I felt alone quite a good bit. I didn’t have the support of my family (note my other journal entries and any reference to my father and his lack-of-sticking-his-neck-out). I did have the support of my friends for the most part… And that meant a lot to me.

And the fans, there is no way in hell that i can forget the fans. I was just a faceless-name to some of them. I mean, you gotta figure unless you meet someone in person that the only way they can perceive you is in two dimensions… At the same time, they were the reason I was putting up a fight in the first place and having the positive feedback I was getting was the reason I battled on to just try to attract attention to the situation. How could I just give in? Countless fans across the Internet could be subjected to some of the Corporate Terrorism like I was subjected to… I mean, the RIAA is doing that just now – terrorizing the fans.

So here I sit, 365 days after the events that transpired to give me a name and yet I’m no farther down the road than I was then. Not more recognized (though I have had some friends tell me they have read my story or heard about my plight — Lou Fisher heard about it in Fishkill, New York — reading it in the paper last year or what not) and yet back down a path I wanted to venture last year when I was telling Jeanne Malmgren about my plight… No, that wasn’t where I decided I wanted to write again, it was just an event that inspired me.

So what’s my inspiration now?

I’ve got the Stonegauge on line and it’s been there since last July… It’s got a trickle of web traffic compared to — though LennonLad is still taking in some 90-150 visitors a day, and Abolish the Designated Hitter takes in 5-20 visitors at any given time — but I am still kicking on the web.

Yet the web isn’t my inspiration… That’s not what’s driving me right now – not web recognition… Though I’d like it… I’d like to be bigger than I though I was in my brief and glimmering 15 minutes of fame last year. That part of me still exists. In fact, I’m happy to report the angry, angst ridden son-of-a-bitch is still out there right now. I won’t say I want the world but damnit – I’m not sitting back and waiting for things. Sure, I’ve got problems in front of me. Yeah, I’ve got problems that are pinning my emotions, but fer Christ’s sake — if I have any say on the direction of where I go from here, I’ll tell you that you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ve been hurt — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been put down — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been stopped — I’ll keep fighting.

Well, just as long as I control my fate. When it’s taken out of my hands (medical stuff) there’s not much I can do… But I’ll leave it up to the Fates to tie me down or set me free.

It’s now the 4th of August. The official date the above mentioned article was published… and this little rant is now published as well.


One moment you can have your ego coddled by the powers that be, the next minute you can have it torn down by a barb. One minute you can feel really good about yoruself and the next minute someone can fuck it up for you in one way or another.

That’s Saturday for ya!

I was feeling really good about myself after getting my latest assignment back from Lou… Especially when he pushed the fact that the story was such a piece that it was worthy of publication now…

Oh, there were edits I needed to make, but tte story content was so vivid and so identifiable that it just was great…

Certain people will coddle their own ego knowing what the piece was about and knowing they told me to write about that specific subject.

Then? What happened? Well, lets just say I deflated and deflated pretty fast for that matter when I felt strung along by the powers that be, people, things, etc. Oh, I could make mention of things I’ve previously complained about recently in here (Medical, medical, medical ) but it was more out of my control than that is (and that is very much out of my control).

THe poetry that’s shown up here was written in May and early June when I had the creative juices going. Sometimes posting a poem is easier than writing a journal entry — of coruse it is, damnit, becasue you don’t have to write anything original off the cuff like regular long winded journal entries are written….

A Questioned Chance

A Questioned Chance

Thumbed nose
At the bright red rose
And vile thoughts
At the offered olive branch

A questioned chance

Beliefs are worth their weight in gold
Giving heart back to you ten-fold
And stolen heart is what she holds
I must let go
I must let go

Seeking out, not quite on a whim
Seeing doubt from the hurt within
Void of a chance
Needing escape
Bullet holes
And tempting fate

Searching far, wide and beyond
Sycophant minion, just a pawn
Secure the mast and sail with me
Rising tide upon the sea

And growing weeds surround the rose
To which, with a twitch, she thumbed her nose
I feed the flames with the olive branch

What have you done to earn another chance?

© 2003 John Fontana


A technical knockout or a TKO is when a fighter is knocked down three times during a fight (or some other specified number).

Three times. Three times. Down and out three times.

I’ve talked briefly in past entries about my balance being bad – partly thrown off because of my legs, partly because of stuff I don’t know… In the past 24 hours I’ve fallen — and fallen hard – three times because of balance SNAFU’s.

I don’t know, I just don’t know any more. It’d be nice for someone to comprehend how difficult things are for me right now. It’d also be nice to be able to contact my doctor and discuss things more with him… But I don’t see him (and maybe not at all) until 2 days before the operation.

And I’m sorta scared because there’s just too much of the great unknown laying before me. It’s not the unknown I fear as-so-much not knowing what the deal is going to be before hand. I can play things on the fly – but as far as I know I could end up in rehab for an unspecified period of time after this.

BTW – I am done with 24 season 1…

Kobe Bryant and the Spoils of an NBA Star

Saving a post from’s blog because we may be getting rid of it. Want to save this before it goes the way of the dodo

I think by now all of you Kobe Bryant case. Maybe you’re thinking his accuser is just a gold digger, maybe you’re thinking Kobe is just another sports-star-turned-human?

In all likelihood, this is a guy who’s spoiled life from the age of 18 has finally caught up with him.

Think about it – Kobe went in the NBA draft, forgoing college, and was selected by the now relocated Charlotte Hornets. What did he do? He whined, saying he wouldn’t play in the Carolina’s and manipulated his way to Los Angeles.

Nice start to a career, isn’t it? Being handed millions upon millions of dollars just to suit up for a team and then saying “No! I don’t want to! Not there! Nooooooooo!”

He’s played some great games but he’s also been a selfish bastard at times, complaining he wants more, wants more, “I wanna be featured!”

There’s no I in team, Kobe.

And of course, even if things get settled in his favor, he’s gotta patch things up with his wife… a 4 million dollar ring helps for starters but… Um… That just proves how materialistic a society we are, and if she really wants to prove that with him – take him for half of everything he owns in divorce.

Kobe needs a wake up call — and this experience will be that, unless things are manipulated in his favor once again.