Category: Personal
The life and times of John Fontana — personal blog posts about things John is dealing with / going through / thinking of / experiencing.
Chilling Possibilities
Global warming will plunge Britain & Europe into new ice age ‘within decades’
A study, which is being taken seriously by top government scientists, has uncovered a change “of remarkable amplitude” in the circulation of the waters of the North Atlantic.
Similar events in pre-history are known to have caused sudden “flips” of the climate, bringing ice ages to northern Europe within a few decades. The development – described as “the largest and most dramatic oceanic change ever measured in the era of modern instruments”, by the US Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute, which led the research – threatens to turn off the Gulf Stream, which keeps Europe’s weather mild.
If that happens, Britain and northern Europe are expected to switch abruptly to the climate of Labrador – which is on the same latitude – bringing a nightmare scenario where farmland turns to tundra and winter temperatures drop below -20C. The much-heralded cold snap predicted for the coming week would seem balmy by comparison.
This might seriously put a damper on my plans to cross Abbey Road sometime in the near future…. :tongue
Seriously — the Gulf Stream turning off would lead to increased strikes of Hurricanes against the US east coast, the northeast’s winters would be much more chilling too….
Grand Theft of my Grand Theft Auto addiction
This is cruelty to animals…
Since I got GTA: Vice City from Andrew on Christmas, I’ve slowly grown an addiction to running around and beating the shit out of people, driving fast cars, blowing people away and all that jazz. It’s fun, it’s challenging, and it’s something to do between workouts.
And now, I can’t.
I got my foot tied up with my gamepad controller cord and yanked my playstation by accident. It tumbled to the floor and now it won’t operate correctly – won’t eject my disc, won’t do much of anything at all.
Does this mean I have to drop a wad on another PS2? Oh dear, I hope not…
"Idol"-Ology
I’m lame, I know. I admit to my lameness especially seeing I have never once watched an episode of “American Idol” before….
Never. Not once. Not one moment.
I’ve been flipping around the tube tonight and for the first time — well, second, I put Idol on briefly the other night for the premiere, ever so briefly – I’ve actually seen how cruel Simon Caldwell can be. For the first time I’ve seen how over-the-top arrogant some of the contestants tend to be.
That or just completely stupid.
So I watched for a few moments tonight to see some of the shit Simon dishes out and was completely floored — mind you I wasn’t listening to the singing, I was just looking for remarks from Randy, Simon, and Paula… Funny stuff. Great stuff in fact. Cruel but great.
I’ll probably look into Idol more in the future — but for the time being I think I will wait until the season progresses.
Balance of Power
So it’s been almost six months since I started to heavily use a walker to get around the house and through day to day life because my balance had been fudged up. I still heavily use a walker but there is a light – distant at best, but a light ever still – at the end of the long, dark tunnel.
I’ve been starting to stand from a sitting position without having to clutch onto things… I’ve been able to keep standing up, after I’ve been up and around with the walker, without having to keep grasping onto the walker. I’ve been able to do stuff at counters without leaning up against those counters in order to keep my balance…
Yes, there’s a light… the question is how long it will be before I get a full blast of sun on my face instead of just this distant, wayward light?
I've got the urge….
….The Urge to SAVE SURGE!!!!!
Oh how I miss my (second) favorite citrus drink. Apparently these guys do too.
The “Engrish Ranguage” campaign
My older brother Mike’s former Creative Writing teacher is running for president … Weird.
OK, it isn’t a serious campaign (or am I wrong?) but DJ Condon, former Creaive Writing teacher at East Lake High School, is putting forth a campaign for president and Mike was tickled to let me know about it. Not just that — tickled to let me know Mr. Condon replied to one of his notes that he wrote to his former teacher.
Mr. Condon is working in Taipei, Taiwan and that’s what leads me to use the English Language parody as the title of this journal entry… It’s also my brother’s ability to write that pushes me to bring up the English Language in the title…
He puts me to shame… He’s much more creative with the language and much more centralized with his thoughts… I might push myself to get some notoriety (be it through sticking my neck out with web sites, story submissions to magazines or movie screenplays) but if Mike actually made an effort instead of being lackadaisical with accomplishing something, he’d run circles around me.
*Sigh* sibling rivalries…
Scapegoat(ee)
Mustache was getting ratty and I wanted to keep going with my chin… so from Fu-Manchu to Van Dyke, the Goatee lives on….
Freaky – the name game
It’s scary when you are reading a newspaper article that has nothing to do with anything you are interested in and then you see your name come up in front of you.
Not just your first and last name but your middle initial too…
I’m reading about the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino being opened by the Seminole Indians near downtown Tampa in today’s St. Petersburg Times and this quote jumps up and smacks the shit out of me:
“In a hotel-casino environment, you’re kind of like a little city,” said John P. Fontana, general manager for the hotel and casino. “You need everything.”
…I’m a casino General Manager? Jeez, my father would be so proud…
This just makes me want to officially switch my name reference to J. P. Fontana with official functions, because I can’t destinguish myself from all the other John Fontana’s that are around…
Reinstall
Blah
Software, software, software. That’s been my day — reinstalling and rebooting and what not.
Damn hard drive crashes… :sad
Oh yeah… It's that time, ain't it?
I’ve forgone saying this to my (small) web audience — Happy New Year!
I had wanted to post a long piece of best-and-worst of The Stonegauge this past year… “Best Comment”, “Funniest Entry”, “Entry I most regret” and such — but that’d be no fun because me saying what I think is best and worse on this page doesn’t mean the sentiment is shared by everyone who is reading.
I’d invite you to VOTE for one or tell me what you enjoyed most on here — but then again, that’s a lot of work for you – the reader. I’ve posted a TON this year and not all of it was on my current Moveable Type setup for the journal – meaning you would have to sift through my old journal to find some of my fave (and least favorite) posts.
But if you wanna’ — please go ahead. Meanwhile – I’m going back to being blah and thinking about posts I still want to make on here in the near future.
To Goatee or Not Goatee – That is the Question
As crappy as I have been feeling, I haven’t been shaving like normal – which has been the case since I got out of the hospital. Last time I DID shave I looked in the mirror afterwards and felt wierd with what I saw — my face without any hair on it. It just didn’t look right somehow.
So, I’ve let some of my facial pubes grow and grow and have driven my parents crazy with the fact I have this… THING on my face now… Meanwhile I have actually gotten props from Bob, my physical therapist, because I finally look more my age with this in-developement goatee…
What do you think, folks? Keep it growing or go back to baby face?
Normal Johnny-Boy
(Facial)Hair Apparent Johnny-Boy
End of 2003 — thankfully
Hours left in 2003 and all I can say is GOOD RIDDENCE.
Between heart break, heart ache, hurt, physical difficulties, brain farts, anomolies, family fights, family plights, family deaths and trips to the vet, Bushisms, politics, unjustified wars, and even MORE bullshit, I am eager to see the year off and have hope that 2004 will be much more of a positive year for me and those around me than this year has been.
Here’s to you, 2003 — I entered you with optimism and exit you while in pain and misery…
In John's place…
Let me just say AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH!
If there is anything worse than being single, and having to deal with a roomate who just started dating, and is all lovey-dovey, I have no idea what it is.
I’d prefer Chinese Water Toture right about now.
Happy New Year to everyone!
MIA at the Stonegauge
Saturday was an interesting and annoying experience for me. Two days after the festivities of Christmas and instead of continuing the Christmas cheer, I was doubled over, moaning and whailing… First at home, then at Tampa General Hospital’s Emergency Room.
THat’s right, Johnny got a part on ER :tongue
Seriously, I spent most of Saturday at TGH waiting to go into the ER and then even more time wwaiting to have the doctor tell me exactly what I already knew — that I had some gut problems and that it was causing some pain.
…Not that the fucker perscribed me anything for it. :mad
I’ve been struggling personallly with this physical stuff the last few days – thus no entries. I don’t think any ofmy readers would mind that…
So this is Christmas…
Been up since 5:30 — still have insomnia but some pain killers i was perscribed in the hospital got me zonked out for a few hours…
…I’m happy to report that Christmas hasn’t been terrible here, nor has it been outstanding either (having to watch my younger brother Andy’s girlfriend’s son Austin throw up wasn’t very fun)… But it’s had it’s ups and downs.
The most notable up just occured when I was talking with Mike and presented him with his 3rd and final christmas gift — www.tasteofescape.com. Now, you may have read earlier this month that I had no clue what to get Mike and that he was discouraging me from getting him anything… He seemed genuinely enthused by the gift and offer to host his journal in the future (sharing web space on here). Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to see him impressed with the gift.
Was there anything more groundbreaking or earth-shattering that Johnny recieved for X-mas? Well, besides clothes and a few material things, not really. I guess I was just looking forward to today more than the gift part of the day — the family part and the social stuff. Personally I would have loved to have gotten everyone in the fam. and my friends a few more things, but alas — this year it was impossible to pull that off on account of me being a gimp :tongue
Still blah
*Sigh* tis the season.
Today was a day I hopped to catch up on some things I have put off becasue of being so strung out and so pained over…
I was wrong…
:sleepy <-- where are you when I need you???
In memorium…
Seems John remains absent, so here I am again. Today, a little more personal.
I just realized (it is 10:30 PM) that today is the 5th anniversary of my aunts murder. I also realized that I completely missed the 21st anniversary of my fathers death on the ninth. Two days from now will be the 7th anniversary of the death of one of my classmates.
I’m not sure what suprises me more. That it has been this long since all of these tragedies affected my life (and there are more), or that there have been so many of them that I cant even keep track of it anymore.
As you might now guess, Christmas isnt much of a celebratory day in my household. At least, on this holiday season, I have yet to see my family mentioned in one of those “be thankful for what you have” stories newspapers like to write.
In short, be thankful for what you have. Remind your loved ones how much you appreciate them this christmas. A few words are far more profound than some cheesy toy picked up at Walmart.
Zip Zaps + Cats = fun!
Ok, I’m in a juvenile mood, and it seems John cant make an entry yet tonight, so I’ll post on the fun that was my day…
You know those little hot wheels like RC cars that Radio Shack sells? If you have a cat, get one. Hours upon hours of entertainment.
Neat little idea those little RC cars, but seriously, why do people take these Zip Zaps so serriously? The official website offers tips on tinting the windows, and on making your own licence plates.
People post on forums about how they turn the stupid little things into rice rockets, much as they would their real cars (when mommy and daddy buy them one, that is).
Seriously people. THEY ARE TOYS!
But damn is it fun to screw with a cats mind with them. Hopefully my roommate doesnt kill me when she returns from visiting her family to a pair of paranoid felines worried about traffic congestion in the living room…
Blah
Between having to deal with the after-effects of my Monolith (my pet name for my computer) having a Trojan-Horse on Tuesday and me just feeling like complete shit right now becaue of pain and insomnia – getting up an entry in Der Stonegauge hasn’t been much of a priority lately.
That being said – I had to make it a priority today just because I violated my own rule about having to write each day to keep from being destroyed…. Finding something else in teh world instead of pain and discomfort is something that writing might help with….
At least for a few seconds until I am done with this entry…. like right now
Six years of Silence
You know, I was going to brush off this anniversary as another one that was a major milestone but also something I could forget because my day-to-day is busy enough without having to nit-pick at the past.
But it’s an interesting anniversary none the less — one that goes from silent to booming in 4 years and applies only when I’m lazy now.
I went deaf 6 years ago to the day.
I had an acoustical neuroma (egad, did I spell that right or wrong for the umpteenth time?) removed out in Los Angeles at St. Vincent’s Medical Center by doctor Derald Brackman and company… I woke up – not sure when, can’t recall what I was told in the past – with the only sounds in my head a constant tenninus and my own voice when I spoke. Of course, I hadn’t been able to hear much before that, as I had been constantly losing hearing in both ears since 12 or 13, but six years ago — my world went totally silent.
I can’t remember all the details – I checked in the night before to the hospital. I didn’t shave my head, like I should have done, and that resulted in a gnarly haircut… I do recall me quipping about the Big One hitting during the operation (“what happens then?” I asked those who were prepping me) and I can recall the immediate aftermath of surgery – being chained to a bed and being asked to touch my nose with my restrained hands.
Of course there is more to it – my life now with sound and the Auditory Brainstem Implant has beaten deafness. There are anecdotes from when I went deaf and the immediate aftermath to regaining my hearing in 2001 with the ABI… And of course me aborting setting up the ABI in March 1998 and delaying having sound back to begin with… but alas, that is for another time because my computer is in need of help.
Sleepless
Just a quick update at 6 AM becasue… well, Johnny hasn’t had a bit of shut-eye since he originally tucked himself in before midnight…
…oh how I love insomnia.
RIP Keiko / Willy
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Keiko, star of ‘Free Willy’ movies, dies in Norway
Sudden onset of pneumonia kills famous orca
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER STAFF AND NEWS SERVICES
Keiko, the killer whale made famous by the “Free Willy” movies, has died in Norwegian coastal waters where he remained after millions of dollars and a decade of work failed to coax him back to the open sea, his caretakers said early today.
The whale, which was 27, died yesterday afternoon after the sudden onset of pneumonia in the Taknes fjord. He was old for an orca in captivity, although wild adult orcas live an average of 35 years.
David Phillips, executive director of the San Francisco-based Free Willy-Keiko Foundation, said Keiko had been in good health but started showing signs of lethargy and loss of appetite on Thursday.
“This is a long, sad day for us,” Phillips said.
One of his handlers, Dale Richards, said Keiko died quickly. “We checked his respiration rate, and it was a little irregular … he wasn’t doing too well,” Richards told The Associated Press. “Early in the evening, he passed away.”
I was working for Weblink Communications in 1998 when the entire Keiko-to-freedom movement was really coming to a head and he was being moved to not only his new aquarium in the Pacific Northwest but then back to Iceland.
I can remember seeing the streaming video of Keiko (still in the Pacific Northwest) slamming his tail just before being lowered into his new aquarium where he was nursed back to health… There were thousands watching in person – children, Media, others – and they were all ecstatic to see Keiko reacting like this…
I continued following him in Iceland and his escapades there. Then Norway after last summer, when Keiko was “let loose” from his pen in Iceland and swam, on his own, to a fjord in Norway, back into captivity of sorts.
Keiko will always have my imagination and my hope — and though I don’t know when this re-introduction-to-the-wild will be tried again, I hope it does hapen. There are too many animals that live in squalor to entertain us that would be better off free.
After a week
So it’s been seven days since I was discharged from the Hospital. It’s funny I posted about “falling off the internet” last night because I haven’t heard from a lot of people I contacted about being under the weather / in the hospital again. Hmmphf, figures right? Find out who your true friends are…
Blash, tha twas mean spirited but at the same time, it does hold some water.
At any rate, how am I progressing? Am I doing better? Yes. In some lights. I am showing a lot of strength and a lot of other functions that were failing before the operation. On another side of things, my balance seems a little more screwed up. i don’t have the confidence to do certain easy-activities because I feel like I will fall or something like that. Gotta work on it.
Long road in front of me — a long road indeed but I am happy to be journeying down it once again instead of sitting around, feeling like I am in a car always stuck in Neutral.
Falling off the Internet
Is it just me or is conversation dead on the Internet?
I am trying to find people to chat with and unfortunately it doesn’t seem like Trillian is fostering much hope. I am not getting people from Yahoo or AOL IM or any other program dropping me lines like they used to.
Of course, they probably all have lives or I seem a little too intense for anyone to have a discussion with… but at the same time, it’s depressing just not having some stranger at least attempt a conversation that goes nowhere.
stranger: Hey, A/S/
Me: Um, 24/M/Florida
Stranger: Cool
Me: Uh thanks….
Me: You going to say anything else?
Me: This thing on?
:tongue
Blog / Newsfeed Recommendations
I cleared out some of my News / RSS feeds on Trillian Pro 2.0 the other day because the sites in general weren’t getting updated much and basically waiting another few months for a new story on a site like Bush / Orwell ’04 was lame.
SO what doe sthat mean?
It means I am running out of sites and blogs that amuse me. Damnit, that isn’t a good thing.
Now, for my blogdrive friends and livejournal friends as well — I’m sorry but this doesn’t apply to you when I complain about needing new and more newsfeeds. This mainly goes out to news sites and MT type blogs because they can generate newsfeeds through their software (I am NOT going to explain what the hell RSS is :tongue).
I am looiking for more sites to add and read daily… ANy suggesitons out there?
I mean, one of the sites I subscribe to is Howard Dean’s blog — http://blogforamerica.com. Another is Defective Yeti which tends to be amusing more often than not… another great blog is Lies.com… It’s after those three that I have problems finding something entertaining.
Oh well, enough of this ramble. I don’t think anyone will have feedback on my problem but I appreciate it if you could suggest valuable newsfeeds or sites you believe are worthy newsfeeds.
Poetic Meanings — just found out
You know, I was just going through something or other on the web and I came across a little factoid that just hit me a certain way that made me laugh and think at the same time about a poem I wrote a few years ago (song Poem) and how true the lyric is, in a sad way…
The song-poem was Java Jungle which I wrote at Palm Harbor’s “Java Jungle” coffee shop years ago when I was still very much a lyricist and poet. The song is just rambling verse that makes sense to me and probably me alone in some of it’s meanings but has a little niftiness to itself… if you can find the rhyme scheme and what could have been the beat or what the music could have turned into with the song…
At any rate, I’m going to post the lyrics now – then I will tell you more about that “ironic and funny” little meaning I didn’t intend that I just found out about…
Sally-man say:
“Who led the way,
“Across the Great Red Sea?”
Way back,
The long way back,
Back home
Tell Mom and Dad
That I’m going mad
Sitting here on the porch
Deep toking’ a dead roach
Fabulon
And Mickey and Brand,
Across the great land
Living at the center of life
Metropolitan life
Ju-Ju-Ju-Ju-Juniper chaos,
Had a little seance
To find her kindred soul
(Only she’d be so bold)
Cold hard wind, yeah
It’s stained with sin, yeah
Only known as the doldrums
The silence hums
Play on
Easter day
Saint Jude’s Parade
Lennon Lad,
Lennon Lad,
Lennon Lad
The kingdom’s your to have
Silence abounds
© 1997 John P. Fontana
So what’s the big deal? Well, I could break down the meaning of each stanza and verse to you but some of it is boring and some of it – as I already alluded to — should make sense only to me (Mickey and Brand across the great land, for instance, is a reference to friends of mine who used to come down to be with family here in Florida, I would see them every summer).
The lyric that I found funny is one of the closing lines… I talk about Easter Day and St. Jude’s Parade and then make a reference to “Lennon Lad”. This is all talking about Julian Lennon. “Jude” being direct reference to “Hey, Jude” which was written by Paul McCartney for Julian during the time John Lennon was divorcing Cynthia Lennon.
The entire line was actually supposed to be reference to St. Crispian’s Day, I believe I had seen Renaissance Man not very long before I had written this poem and I was very fond of Shakespeare at the time after a year of his works being passed on to me through Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School.
Well, St. Jude got worked in there and the reference to Julian was made — “The kingdom’s yours to have” and silence abounds… That’s saying that Julian could have easily followed John Lennon’s footsteps and gone to the top of Rock and Roll but failed to do so… Of course, Julian is still involved with music and still battles demons involved with his father and his childhood… That being said, there are reason the kingdom was never entirely inherited by him or by Sean Ono Lennon for that matter.
The ironic – funny twist that I keep making reference to is St. Jude. I didn’t know who St., Jude was nor did I ever think to find out… I just threw the name out there for the rhyme and for the reference (Jude, Jules, Julian) and only recently (reading another Rick Reilly article) found out who St. Jude is:
The Patron Saint of Lost causes.
So, Lennon Lad, the kingdom may be yours to have but from what the Java Jungle tells you, it’s a lost cause trying to inherit it…
Ode to FanHome
Jeezus, did Kevin M. Cabral screw the pooch when I look over domain registrations in InterNIC and what not this morning.
This summer I had taken time to just check up on domain registrations for names of sites that used to be part of the FanHome.com network – names like www.baseballboards.com, www.hockeyboards.com, www.footballboards.com. Very valuable domain names that already have other domains pointing to them and thus great recognizability on the Internet.
Kevin let each of these wayward domain names expire, pissing away their value much like he pised away the value of FanHome when he originally got offered to sell the site out for 50 thousand dollars in 1999 (which is more than it’s worth now).
What does this have to do with FanHome? I don’t know exactly. I DO know I am missing the original site since I read an article on the Howard Dean Connection and the phenomenon that is bringing the Dot-Com age back into chic. In 1999-2002 I was intimitaley tied to FanHome in one way or another. In 1998 I had been a dot-commer and went dot-bomb like the rest of the industry… The thing is, there was this sense, this aura, that always drove you when you were involved on these projects (be it FanHome or Weblink Communications Inc – my former Dot-Com bosses)… “The Revolution” was a phrase that was used so much, as a joke of sorts but at the same time, it was the attitude of those working together on any given project. We weren’t just changing how business was done, we were forging a new entry into business entirely.
Of course, then things went to SHIT with FanHome.
I say things went to shit – I burned out of course. I was one man doing most of the administration work even though I wasn’t doing the software side of it. I did have underlings and I did have support from those underlings, along with the remainder of administration at FanHome… But 60 thousand users just got to be too much… no pay? That too. The fact I was in love? That three… I didn’t want to spend time talking about AEC and Ledge again, I wanted to focus on my own life and the fact that I needed to get my ass in action (even though it’s tough to do with my medical condition).
That was more than a year ago of course.
So where do we sit now? FanHome remains shit as part of the Insiders network – using the worst message board software availible to message board users (EZ Boards) while retianing a loyal base of users that slowly errodes while Kevin continues to live the rich-boy life. Matt Rogish, technical database administrator extrodinaire is off somewhere working a solid job. I think he finally graduated from the University of Miami (Ohio) while Alberto Corral, COO of Fanhome, continues towards a masters degree and is looking at a new job coming to him in the near future (if he doesn’t already have it).
And John F? Who cares, he’s blogging….
Tis the Season – ho ho ho – help me out here…
So this is Christmas, and what have I done?
I’ve been newly cut open, now living as a bum…
So this is Christmas, and what do I get?
Another day older and leaning towards debt….
It’s Christmastime ladies and gentlemen if you have been living under a rock the past few weeks. Tis the season to spread jolly good vibes towards your fellow man and all that good stuff.
Personally I am a little perplexed this year as to what to get my family for Christmas. Specifically my older brother who I really want to slay with a gift — slay in a good way. I don’t mean overspend for a Christmas gift, I mean give him something sentimental that he will cherish.
See, Mike is someone who flaunts capitalism and debt in how he operates. He is already going to be giving several thousand dollars worth of gifts jointly in my name to people this year. That tweaks me because I really feel like an invalid shit not being able to pay my own way with certain gifts.
At the same time, it’s nice someone else is picking up the tab of course…
But the thing is, I want to show him that I care. I can’t buy something that will make him say “Oh wow, thanks!” unless I find something that he really wouldn’t have thought he would like. I can’t MAKE him something he would admire, in my humble opinion, because Mike has always given me a tough time with things I do as not being good enough or not as good as it COULD be.
I have the thought of buying him a domain name — as he is currently running a blog on http://foreverlad.diaryland.com — and giving him an MT treatment and web space of his very own, but he doesn’t want to be COMMITTED to anything. I got a bit of shit from him recently because of my birthday gift to him, and Ecosphere, and the fact he doesn’t want to be responsible for these living creatures inside the sphere (feels guilty when they thing doesn’t get proper light, etc).
Should I just say “The hell with it?” and get him a card? What are some of your off-the-cuff ideas for Christmas gifts? Input would be nice here…
Give a shit? Please…?
I don’t want to get gross and get on the “Too Much Information” brigade, but I have a request for anyone who stumbles across Der Stonegauge –
Can I have a shit?
Can you please lend me a shit?
Yes, I am looking for a give-a-shit crowd. I don’t mean I want you to send me a turd but, um, maybe warm wishes that I take a turd.
You see, I am supposed to be built like Ghandi at any given time and my guts are supposed to be spilled at normal intervals when I take meetings on the thrown in my bathroom. Well, you see, I haven’t had that male pleasure for something more than 3 weeks now….
I could give a shit, really…. I mean, I really need to give a shit…. But alas, that seems beyond me right now.
Sure I was hospitalized for days on end…. Sure, they had me drugged to deal with this stuff, and I don’t want to go into detail about that….
I didn’t have shit for them, however.
So, here I am, constipated and bloated and generally pissed off and in pain (thank god for drugs) and just out of it in one way or another asking my dear readers to send me shit greetings and such. Excrete what well wishes you can, and all that jazz.
I think I am going to be sick.
If only I could have shit happen….
Back in Black – the Dodger Boy returns to the Scene of the Crime
Thank you, thank you… Please hold the applause… Please… I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy I’m….
Oh, the hell with it… Who’s clapping anyway? Little Miss Avoidance? Miss I-hooked-up-and-don’t-have-the-nerve-to-say-anything-to-
you-because-my-ties-to-you-are-nil-while-I-am-with-another? Oh yeah, maybe some of my friends who knew how fucked my situation was going into November 26th and know just what the outcome has been might be the ones clapping.
I beat the fucking odds.
I exorcised the fucking demon.
I had my miracle and God slapped me on the back and told me with a good natured grin, “You fell for it, you shit. Now get back in the game.”
I’m home.I can walk, I can talk, and I can type into this fucking blog my rants and raves and all my bullshit once again. I’m ANGRY, I’m HUNGRY, I’m in need of a some venting here and there but this is a GOOD angry, this is a DAMNED good angry. This is an angry I don’t know who the hell would be able to identify with and I don’t know who would even try.
You see, over the summer things got grim. There was this blackness hanging over my life. Everyone around me knew about it, I dreaded it, I loathed it, I was desperate for escape from it. That blackness was all the grim possibilities of my future if things didn’t get corrected.
I went under the knife in August, still in grim shape – still loathing, still scared, still sad, and what happened was I didn’t get shit fixed. Instead of going out and getting my problems washed away – I had more doubts exposed, more bad thoughts brought to the forefront, the dread conquered me and it grew every day from early September till those last weeks of November.
My friends supported me. Those who strung me along wanted to be done with me for there own personal good, others just met me and left me because I had this doubt and this negativity around me. Indeed there was too much negativity around me. There may STILL be negativity around me in the next few weeks as I face adversity and have to come back physically (and emotionall) from what I just went through.
For the record? Fuck negativity.
For the record? Fuck adversity.
Life’s a game and I am back on the playing board. I thought I was just going to be a piece on the side that didn’t get used because life has a way of taking you out of the game. Fuck that. Fuck the idea that I should worry, or I should hurt, or I should doubt I will find something I ma deserving of — be it in love, life, business or whatever. Fuck it all — I WANT IT ALL. I’m going to get it all, and God is going to be on my side as long as I don’t hurt, maim or kill to accomplish that.
I want the challenge. The blackness is gone. The looming sense of dread is gone. I want the challenge of life again. My first is getting my ass back in shape, the next is … well, the next piece I haven’t thought of yet because there are many pieces. It’s also dependent on the first piece of it all.
I posted a “Missing” picture” a few months ago on this very blog… Posting some of my former pictures and asking “Have you seen this boy?” in a mock tribute to Robert Patrick in Terminator 2…. I’ll tell you right now – the cocky and optimistic son of a bitch who founded this site, who got the Beatles balls in an uproar, who’s pissed off the locals with his liberal talk, who’s upset the government with his public votes of incompetence, who’s gone through more pain and hardship than most will experience in their lives — that fucker is me and that fucker is back in charge of the life of John Fontana.
Maybe it’s the drugs talking? Maybe I wake up tomorrow from my bed and try to figure out what is my purpose in life again?
Yeah? Well, what if I wake up tomorrow and I just say “Lets go” and do what I need to do – it’d be the same thing but with a better attitude. I need to accomplish things on my own — Lets go, I gotta get it done. I don’t need to procrastinate, I don’t need to avoid, I don’t need to pussy foot and hide from the problem.
I’m back, ladies and gentlemen….. Time will tell the tale just WTF is in store but I am back. Let it roll, let the sun shine in and all that jazz…
BUSY BUSY BUSY
So, I have just been a busy little bee, or just avoiding computers. j/k Well I guess I have been taking a break from things. Especially since I sit in front of one all day long at work. A vacation was needed, so I took one.
On Thanksgiving I stuffed myself silly. I love food as I posted previously. Yum. My fiance and I ate at my parents for lunch and his parents for supper. And since we didn’t like doing all this traveling all in one day, we kind of decided to just spend Christmas on our own, and maybe invite the parental units to join us instead.
So that was my weekend. Hope everyone had a good one.
Common Sense is not that common
I’m guessing that very few people who read this know who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself: My name is Keith (no, really) and I live in Calgary, AB. I’m Canadian, eh? No doot aboot it. I work as a field tech, which means I travel. A lot.
I’ve seen a lot of odd things in my travels. But an incident that occured two weeks ago takes the cake. In the parking lot of the store I was working at, a man chased a hat that blew off his head, underneath a moving semi, with predictable results.
Just like that, a life snuffed out, all for a baseball cap. I didnt see the incident itself, but everything after. The failed attempt at life support, and the shocked reaction of everyone around.
Seriously, what causes a man to run under a moving truck?
The scary part? It was submitted to the darwinawards.com website, and REJECTED because it is too common an occurance.
Man is a dumb, dumb, dumb animal…
Giving Thanks
:sad Today my most awesome friend John goes under the knife. :sad I will definitely be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers this Thanksgiving. *hugs*
Thanksgiving. That word brings so many thoughts to my mind. My first thoughts are of food, you know the turkey, stuffing, sweet potatos, corn, and pumpkin pie. I am not terribly fond of the latter, I substitute cheesecake, yummy. So eating is my favorite thing to do on Thanksgiving. I am a pig, oink oink.
My second thoughts are of friends and family. This should really come first but I can’t control my stomach, it’s the ruler of my body. j/k But I am really thankful for the friends and family I do have. I have a man to spend the rest of my life with, great parents, and loving friends and family. I probably wouldn’t be where I am today without all of them.
So everyone have a great Thanksgiving and remember your family and friends.
:smile
Last hours
I feel odd tonight. Very much alone even though I’ve heard from friends – some of them – and had gotten in touch with Andy (my younger brother) who I don’t get to talk to as much since he moved out of the house…
Something’s missing… Maybe it’s just because I’ve been through this shit twice before in the last year and there was something that came up each time and it didn’t come up at the same time…
*sigh*
I don’t know what to say and I don’t know to stay silent. There is no joy in silence – that much I have learned. There is joy in laughter but there is no joy when the laughter is held back because the ache is too apparent. There are no smiles when the grim is hanging over you and there are only so many things you can do before you go slowly insane with worry and fear.
So, John Fontana, Neurofibrometosis Type 2 sufferer, will be going of the air again for the second time in only a few months. The Stonegauge falling silent may or may not happen – tht depends on certain people who I have entrusted this page to.
Why do I want the page to go on — even if it’s mundane stuff being reported about people’s private lives? Because the point of the Stonegauge, since I was originally broken hearted in March of this year, was to stay drunk on writing in a way to escape the day to day… Finding words sometimes were the only way to get through… I would like tha carried on even if I am not here. I know that isn’t the easiest thing to do, nor is it something desired by those who have done it in the past, but it’s there to do and I am hoping it goes on….
The operation is scheduled for 7:30 AM… It’s supposed to last six hours…. I might be under anesthesia, but these will likely be the longest 6 hours of my life — defining just who I am going to be and what life I will lead for the remainder of my mortal existence…
There is stuff I want to say in closing but alas, they are really empty statements and not true words…. There is a lot of emptiness around… Emptiness that is caused by things out of my hands — beyond my control. Shit happens and all of that…. Who’s to say that’s not true? Decisions that you make – so yourself alone.
Take care, all. A happy and joyous Thanksgiving to those who find this site – and best wishes for the Holidays.
Appointment from hell
So I needed a fresh MRI… that’s ok, that’s fine… 20 minutes, maybe a half hour in all… in and out, that’s what I figured when I heard about it yesterday.
Need to be prepared for tomorrow… Need my doctor fully prepared too… Give him everything he needs, no questions…
So I show up at a MRI clinic in south Tampa today which I had never been to. I showed up sometime before 10 AM with the intention of just going in and getting my shit done and going out. I figured there might be some delays because I was a last minute entry into the schedule – but I can deal with that, right? No biggie…
The biggie was everything after that. Waiting around, I get put off, put around, sidetracked, sideways. i have to strip down for the MRI and then have to sit around, freezing my ass off in 70 degrees, waiting to find out that the MRI unit is too powerful for me and it would be easier to get a copy of my OLD MRI Films from my normal clinic.
Just ook them 2 hours of bitching, paging, running around and other shit in order to figure this out. I’m pissed off at the clinic, I’m pissed off at the Cochlear corp (who happen to make my dandy ABI hearing device), I’m just pissed off in general – this is no way you want to be lead into surgery… “Eh, we won’t have things set for you, son. Sucks to be you. Hope your doctor is a miracle worker because he won’t have fresh shizit to help him through surgery.”
:rolleyes
SO i have hours left of this life, if this is a life. I was talking to a friend last night and came to the realization I have been at this crossroads before – that was when I lost my hearing though. It was a lot different and a lot the same — going back to square one, entirely. Having to learn how to deal with life all over again from a new perspective…
….That is, if things don’t work out. And honestly – I don’t know how they will work out. Right now I think I need a miracle….
Pre-op
For those of you who have never had to spend a day in the hospital, being forced to wait a gods age to talk to a doctor for a few minutes before being shuttled along to another doctor… I hope you never have to go through the Pre-Operation experience which I have so adequately have down.
I spent the majority of my day at Tampa General Hospital, hob knobbing in Harborside Plaza before being shuttled through the Pre-Op area of the main hospital… Where I got to re-read the bad news that I may be a paraplegic after my scheduled operation Wednesday.
Yes, that’s right folks. A guy who used to be able to walk being forced to use a wheelchair for the remainder of his days perchance… You don’t meet many of these people often… Normally when you find out someone has been forced into a wheelchair, you assume there was an accident.
Mine’s genetics…
At any rate, I’ve been down a good part of the day after reading some stuff my Doctor wrote about the gravity of the operation… It made em miss, it made me want, it made me hurt, it made me want to cry (and I know I did at times – just sobbing to myself when no one was looking). I could have used a shoulder to lean on…. but it would seem that between people’s choices and the course of fate, some doors you have to walk through all alone.
…which is, sadly, a very common experience for myself… Or at least that is how I feel about it.
I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my family but at the same time – I am missing something… *sigh*
Another great post from Bash.org
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: “I must go! Middle Earth needs me!” and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next “Terminator” sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.
Ah, bash, I love you so… :biggrin
Johnny and the 'roids
OK, so there is no chance I am competing in the Olympics next year.
Dr. Smith put me on Steroids earlier this week for preparation of the big day, Wednesday. He wanted me at my strongest for the operation and post-op and I can tell you right now I am better off than I have been with muscle strength than I have been in weeks. I’m up walking around a lot more and doing a lot more than I had been as my legs have been fading the past few weeks.
Of course, this means I am going to have more of a time building up muscle strength again after I am done with my prescription, because you always have a tougher time with muscles after steroid use… but for the mean time, I think I’ll live with it. Who knows, this could be a grim last visit to the land of legging-it-out. :sad
Disorderly
nothing shocking here… though I think I am more paranoid than the test made me out to be.
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Low |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Low |
| Antisocial: | Low |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | Moderate |
| Narcissistic: | Moderate |
| Avoidant: | Moderate |
| Dependent: | Very High |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Low |
— Personality Disorder Test – Take It! — |
|
Why John?
Aren’t I the coolest? John told me I could post on his journal today, yippee. :woot So John and I have been sending a couple air messages here and there today, just to check up on each other, since he has decided to take some time off from the web. :wink
My gooddness, such bad manners I have, I forgot to introduce myself. I am thee Melanie, John has mentioned in his blogs here and there. My Blog Any way I am from Nebraska, very far away from John. No sunny beaches for me. :sad Though the humidity is just as bad, or at least close. So the weather here sucks, no biggie. On with me, I am a college graduate, though I don’t think I learned anything useful, or at least that’s my opinion. I am happily engaged to a very strange man. j/k Well at least sometimes he is. I work full time and have a seasonal job, I am a busy girl. From the looks of things maybe not busy enough. So I think that is enough about me now.
It’s my turn to talk about John. :evil I am going to be a bit blunt here. I have known John for about 5 years or so. Seeing him broken down on the inside just makes me sad and angry. First off he has to go through all this surgery and what not. This sucks since he might be in a wheel chair and his parents are being stupid about the whole thing. And then his heart is being torn apart and that really pisses me off since the situation was handled very badly. So in turn John got left with the bad end of the deal, with no resolution. He has been treated badly and doens’t deserve it. He deserves resolution and not the runaround. So any way John is a great person and though we have never met I sincerely care for him.
Good luck John with the surgery and all. *HUGS*
When all I've got is hurt…
I’m happy for Bill, he’s starting to have something happening after a long long drought. Go Bill
I’m…. just… not really capable of saying much more.
Oh Deer
Oh Deer has a couple of meanings to it as the title to this entry…
At first, I’ll give you the literal interpertation – A deer rand through my neighborhood. NOw, for those of you out in the country or who have lived in the country or areas where woods are plentiful – deer sightings are more common. Personally, I haven’t seen a deer since I lived up on Long Island. I see deer signs near Booker Creek preserve here in North Pinellas, but never have I seen anything around Lake St. George that would suggest there would be this kind of wildlife around.
Gopher Tortises, sure… Aligators? Totally — Eric had one in his backyard once, as had many others in the neighborhood. Snakes? Plenty. But deer? Never. I’ve lived here 14 years and never has the possibility of a deer in the area seemed like a possibility.
Too much developement, too many people, not enough space to roam.
But my mom saw one run down our street. How the hell it got to Lake St. George, I don’t know. If it’ll survive until it’s trapped and moved to a safer location – I don’t know at all.
The other part of “Oh Deer” is the “Oh Dear” part. It’s been six weeks since I saw Doc Smith and I was at his office today. We spoke candidly towards each other — I told him I was fading and he told me that i would likely have a long recupperation in front of me after surgery — including a stay at a rehabilitation center.
It’s troubling. Un-nervving – pun not intended but recognized.
So next Wednesday, I am supposed to go under the knife – the day before Thanksgiving. I’m really sorta taken aback but at the same time, I recognize the fact I got to get this shit done — now. While u are eating your turkey or with your family, I’m going to be lying in a hospital bed.
…With no guarantee that I will take to my feet under my own power again.
I've been here before?
I went to Target the other day – first time in months… I rolled around the store and was taken aback by it all – major case of Deja Vu. Why? Everything was set up just like last year when I was working at the store. Hell, some of the same products were being offered for the holiday season (I didn’t go through them all).
I couldn’t find many of the people I used to work with to talk to — that’s probably a good thing because it was strange with me being there in a wheelchair.
It’s not difficult to operate but you draw glances from everyone, it seems, or at least the kids…. I like getting around a store with it because the store floor is level and thus I can move about pretty freely…. It’s a lot better than my house where there is too much crap thrown about to make moving from room to room difficult.
Back to the store – it was nice to touch the past again… I had a good time working there and it’s my favorite retail place to wander to (or had been) when thing swere going ok.
*Sigh* Touching the past while in the present. If only, if only……
Signifying Nothing
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” The Tragedy of McBeth Act V, Scene V
I always loved this soliloquy after Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School made us memorize it and recite it from the heart. It’s stayed with me these years but it was brought back to my mind only after a trip to http://www.blo.gs
Why did it come back? I don’t know… Why do I like it? Maybe I can see life like how MacBeth states it? It’s just a shadow, a poor player who struts his hour upon the stage and then is never heard again….
Silence Abounds and Immoral Grounds
You know I woke up this morning with the day in front of me — actually slightly behind me. My gut had been doing the rumba last night and had kept me up, keeping me sleep deprieved and groggy most of the day.
So I came online around 10 AM to find an email from Mike Emmons – which got me excited because I’m in the mood to work on a campaign and try to help out from the grass roots side at the very top of the organization.
Well, my excitement didn’t last long when I found that the person who had steered me to Mike Emmons had shared my own private conversation about Mike’s site with Mike without my permission. Mike had responded to some comments I made but I didn’t care to read them over. Why? Because of the ethical breach of sending someone’s email to someone else with regards to business.
If I wanted to talk to Mike Emmons about certain things – me and Mike could discuss them together in the future. That’s between me and Mike Emmons, not a third party who introduced me to Mike Emmons.
So, as the day went on, I got to go to the Hospital again to have stitches removed from my back. My doctor is almost shocked at how well I am doing and damnit – I am too. Still a LONG way to go when it comes to recovery and rehab but, as someone who was supposed to be left paraplegic by my last operation, I am no more paraplegic than a member of a dance troop.
Of course, not everything went hunky dory with the doctor appointment and my problems with it isn’t because of the doctor or having to wait an obsessively long time to get my stitches removed. It was dear old Dad once again who decided to piss me off. Not because he did something – it was because what he didn’t do.
We left around 1:30 and got back sometime after 5 and between those hours, my father barely said anything to me, and wouldn’t answer my questions with much more than a shrug or a gesture. I didn’t enjoy the car ride (though I kept picking up songs on the radio, which never happens with me) nor the hospital stay all thanks to the fact Dad wanted to play alpha-male who just grunted.
I’m a conversationalist, folks. I like to talk – I like to discss things and there are plenty of things in the world to discuss – just why the hell my Father likes to act like an oaf is beyond me. I really get sick of the fact he seems so dis-passionate about everything and anything. There are plenty of journal entries in the past where I have complained about him… I can’t point to them now but it’s worth repeating again that he is so indolent it isn’t even funny.