Month: July 2006
Confident / Unconfident
Need to spend some time writing on here just for the sake of venting personal thoughts and rambles. I did it in yesterday’s post and I’ll do it again today cuz I’m such a cool guy like that :p.
I’ve got things going for me in certain lights right now — I’m needed somewhere, my skills are being put to use, I’ve got responsibilities and I’m meeting those challenges unlike people seemed to expect me to do. I’ve overcome a lot from my life the last few years — physically — and I know I have more to overcome in the next few.
But alas, I’m at this point where I wonder what the point is? Not because I’m at this depressive state like Marvin from The Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It’s not manic or overpossesive like that. No, it’s more like being lonely and not thinking of myself as good enough to draw the admiration of someone who fits my standards. I keep asking myself where or when I’m going to meet that one and I keep misleading myself about opportunities and possibilities. Simply biding my time on the visions of grandeur with the who-what-where of the moment and not getting any farther than that after all is set and done.
Meaning, if relationships can be represented by a short pile of clothing — I only have a short pile of clothes and every article is either owned by someone else or some wretched, hole-filled piece of trash that no respectable person can wear in public.
Hi, I’m John and I’m a high strung, mop topped, intellegent and insecure, sickly little shit. May I take your order/
I’ve lost a bit of confidence I can make someone happy. I don’t even know what I want any more as-so-much know I’m missing a level of life that seems standard-issue to everyone except me. Somthing I’ve craved since forever and something I’ve only known in a fleeting instance on the Interweb.
I miss what I had in that fleeting instance and fear that’s the only time I’m ever going to experience what I always wanted – knowing someone, loving someone and being true to them. Not being able to live without them. Being destroyed losing them.
Some people say being single is better than being in a relationship. Well, I’m not seeing anyone or being introduced to anyone. Being single sucks. On the other hand, being put into a cage and torn down on a daily basis by your significant other sucks too.
But alas, this vent is over…
Pissed to the brim — ranting and rambling
You ever get to the point where you’re social desire is that to take the face of the next person who annoys you and rip it off?
How about having the stark contradiction inside you that you feel like no one does / could care about you while you’ve lost your temper just moments ago in front of people who DO care about you? I guess it’s a family / lover type thing. Oh sure, you have family and friends who care about you but you are missing that one special person. That one person that you will do anything for. The one person who realizes you will do anything for them because of how much you mean to them.
Note to everyone in the United States:
Can you please… pretty pretty please with cream and sugar on top (and oil if you’re driving an SUV) stop calling the United States the “Homeland”?
Since 2001 — before or after 9-11, I forget which — every time I’ve heard the word “Homeland” associated with America, I’ve cringed. The name invokes memories of Stalinist Russia, or perhaps Nazi Germany. I don’t want to get into how I feel about the “Office of Homeland Security” in general (that’s another post I made years ago) but the term “homeland” — that’s a basic lack of using a thesaurus.
“Homeland” is the nation, it’s internal part of the country (or interior), It’s domestic. It’s considered the state as well. So why the hell are we using “Homeland”? Cripes, the DEFENSE DEPARTMENT is supposed to defend the United States, why do we need another agency to begin with? Why not fix the focus of the first one…?
OK, I’m going off topic. The fact is the “Homeland” is the country. It’s the US. It’s the nation… Referring to the country as “our homeland” makes things feel even more like we’re living in a fascist state. Dissenting activists should be able to recognize this… Everyone else in the population (especially patriots) should be wary of this.