Month: March 2003


Apathy and Other Musings

I spent a couple of hours at Target and Boot Ranch trying to occupy myself and forget about certain things and certain people today, it worked for the most part but it still left a bitter taste in my mouth because I want to stay out and when I got back I found everything I had been thinking / planning fell through.

I met someone who lives near me two days ago on here — typical goth chick and all that jazz. We were having some pretty good conversation up until yesterday afternoon when I asked her what she prides herself in and she told me “Apathy”. She also ended up telling me how much she didn’t care and how she was proud of it… And then telling me how she didn’t even care for the conversation we were having…

That was a quick way to kill conversation with me and tell me you aren’t serious at all about relationships with anyone except yourself and whatever you do as your hobby — be apathetic about things. I mean, the girl was looking for someone to talk to and you get going with things and having an intelligent conversation is such a challenge with people you meet online and then you meet someone who actually talks with an IQ over 80 and you come to the conclusion you don’t care??? Great going, nice attitude and it was a real pleasure talking to you until you contradicted yourself by searching for conversation and not caring who or what you were talking to, or anything else for that matter.

Meanwhile I’m continuing to have the romantic thought of a small business or a business where everyone knows you and you know who you deal with… Like a small coffee shop in downtown Tampa where there is a market for places like that. As of right now, being in the suburbs, you don’t get that or don’t feel comfortable with the places you have. I had one place — the Java Jungle — where I used to hang out where I was comfortable with everyone and the atmosphere was great – just the location sucked for them. My dad’s cousin Linda and her husband Morgan have a place like that near San Francisco (small coffee shop) and it’s right around the corner from a Starbucks but they still have a loyal following.

I’d be content with something like that – but then again that takes money and that’s something I do not have any of right now.

Speaking of Downtown, I’m trying to explore ways to get my ass downtown and back… I never get a chance to just wander around down there and see the sights, it’s always zip-to-and-zip-back when I’m with people. Time for me to do stuff on my own if everyone is not going to take part in exploring

Disturbed, Frustrated, Confuse-ed

Well, my day was mostly uneventful and I will get to that in a minute but I am having some trouble collecting my thoughts here…

*John rummages around his brain and tries his best to collect his thoughts*

OK, I think I found a writing concept for this journal entry that works — I should start at the beginning and go from there. The beginning is a good place to start, right?

I woke up this morning with a partial plan of action – I had to look into a job with a Dry Cleaner a few hundred feet from my house. I went there around lunchtime and I was basically told I needed to call someone to inquire about part time work with their company.

“Call” being the word that struck me out from that job.

So I am getting extremely frustrated right now with looking for a job – it seems like everything would either put me into a pointless job or would just brush me off because I am not a common member of society. I don’t hear great, I’m deaf, I’m not normal, I’m not right, I’m strange, move on soldier – move on.

I don’t even know if I should go into confused for sure…

Disturbed? Why am I disturbed? Well, lets just put it this way – the nation has turned blindly loyal to Herr Bush and his Bushshit regime, vowing that Dubya must be supported because “We are at war.”

Correction, my Fellow Americans, we are at “Police Action” seeing the United States Congress never issued a declaration of War on the sovereign nation of Iraq.

Iraq is supposed to have weapons of mass destruction and all these bad bad things and at the same time — the nation is being bombed to shit and they don’t use them to get the invaders? What’s the logic behind that? Maybe, just maybe, things were — GASP! — destroyed? Maybe, just maybe, this war is not — GASP! — justified? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a bigger threat in this world? Maybe, just maybe, there are problems in the US that won’t be solved with tax cuts? Maybe, just maybe, Dubya is evading them and riding this war straight to the polls?

I’m going to be sick now… :puke

Heavenly Shades of Bombs are Falling / Limbo Time!

I don’t get on people for being spoiled very much – though I think of myself as spoiled in a lot of ways… That’s helped along mostly because I am a pain in the ass and I act like a pain in the ass until I get my way… (current situations are proof positive). There are only a few times where I complain about others being spoiled and I happened upon one of them tonight.

Now, one of my friends goes to private school and they are approaching Spring Break rather fast now. Their private school has a trip set up for the senior class — a trip to Hungary — for Spring Break. That’s quite a senior trip now, ain’t it? I didn’t have one going to public school – I don’t recall anything as special offered from the school to the students.

Now there’s a little situation in Iraq, maybe you heard of it? :rolleyes Just like 9-11, things got changed by that little situation and the trip quote may endquote be off for these kids. Lets see – international crisis that we get to watch through the TV, Europeans and the rest of the world tiring of US arrogance in dealing with the rest of the world, anti-American sentiment spreading… Hmmm, do you think it’s time to cancel that trip to Hungary for safety sake?

So my friend is upset that the trip quote may endquote because of this slight situation in Iraq. I got upset at my friend because they seemed to be oblivious to the situation at hand. I think a lot of Americans are – we have the luxury of being in homes that are wired to the core and news stations beaming us the latest briefings and updates – they also have been avoiding showing us much of the anti-American sentiment abroad and the censors, of course, have also done there job of preventing that from coming to light…. It appears safe from our side of the pond but is it safe?

Going to Europe right now for anyone is a risky proposition and canceling this trip for safety sake is needed. I know it’s a class trip, but it’s really just a HS class trip. There have been plenty of other events in HS that were enjoyed with the senior class. Getting upset over this trip being nixed, though understandable, seems kind of pompous and arrogant and dismissive of the dangers that lurk out there right now and the risk…

Changing subjects I’m in limbo still and I’m feeling better than I have in a while – I’m also in need of some cash more than I have been in a while… I don’t know if I am going to keep feeling ok the next few days/weeks but I do need to find something to do to cover costs. Unfortunately I’m a bit picky at what I do and I’m also a bit clueless as to where to look – where should a hearing impaired guy go to find work? I lucked out with Target back in October when they hired me, but that was just before the busiest season of shopping… There are certain jobs that I think of as “beneath me” but at the same time I don’t even know how long I would be at any given job before …. snip snip.

As for the war – I’m getting sick of all the coverage and how much attention me and my family are paying it. It’s like watching a car wreck – you can’t turn away.

What i'm Not… What I am

I came online today and talked to a friend in Tampa today and it underlined a lot of things with me. A lot of things that I’m not into, a lot of things I don’t stand for, a lot of things that define me as a person.

I know I’m not like a lot of people I meet here in Florida. I know I’m not into the current music scene (mostly because it comes off as a jumble to me). I know if I had a choice between one person or being open to everyone and anything and living for the instant I’d chose one person in a moment. I know I have that one person in mind and I know that it’s a long hard road to get where I want to be but I want to find a way there with her.

I know I don’t think tattoos are cool. I think natural skin is sexy on a woman. I know I hate smoking. I know body piercing isn’t that arousing to me and I know that I’m old fashioned in all of that stuff.

I know that I am not into the idea of acting locally on global issues when it comes at the expense of acting on local issues that have made my town a laughing stock on a global realm. I know I’m not into George. W. Bush and his fascist regime. I know I am not into Jeb Bush and his fascist regime and the fact local political activists don’t aim for Jeb or what is wrong in Florida when they address issues.

I know I’m not normal in the essence of physical stuff and mental stuff. I know I am a bit kooky and crazy in that matter. I know I believe the DH is the epitome of corruption and bloated uselessness, I know I believe that there was a massive cover up in the Kennedy assassination and the Military was involved with everything. I know it’s easier to bite your tongue than step up and talk to someone and that I would be somewhere else right now if I could manage that on a regular basis.

What I’m not saying is that I don’t know if I would take that choice to not be here right now if I had it because those who I do interact without having been outgoing and active are some of the best people I could meet.

What I’m not is physical unless it’s in a more intimate way, what I’m not is muscle. What I am is a lover and not a fighter, what I am is someone who will fight for what I believe in though and that sometimes it’s hard to fight the powers that be because you don’t know how to organize the troops into battle.

What I am not is going to write any more, because I think I’ve rambled enough. What I am is calling this entry over