Month: November 2003


Common Sense is not that common

I’m guessing that very few people who read this know who I am, so please allow me to introduce myself: My name is Keith (no, really) and I live in Calgary, AB. I’m Canadian, eh? No doot aboot it. I work as a field tech, which means I travel. A lot.

I’ve seen a lot of odd things in my travels. But an incident that occured two weeks ago takes the cake. In the parking lot of the store I was working at, a man chased a hat that blew off his head, underneath a moving semi, with predictable results.

Just like that, a life snuffed out, all for a baseball cap. I didnt see the incident itself, but everything after. The failed attempt at life support, and the shocked reaction of everyone around.

Seriously, what causes a man to run under a moving truck?

The scary part? It was submitted to the website, and REJECTED because it is too common an occurance.

Man is a dumb, dumb, dumb animal…

Giving Thanks

:sad Today my most awesome friend John goes under the knife. :sad I will definitely be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers this Thanksgiving. *hugs*

Thanksgiving. That word brings so many thoughts to my mind. My first thoughts are of food, you know the turkey, stuffing, sweet potatos, corn, and pumpkin pie. I am not terribly fond of the latter, I substitute cheesecake, yummy. So eating is my favorite thing to do on Thanksgiving. I am a pig, oink oink.

My second thoughts are of friends and family. This should really come first but I can’t control my stomach, it’s the ruler of my body. j/k But I am really thankful for the friends and family I do have. I have a man to spend the rest of my life with, great parents, and loving friends and family. I probably wouldn’t be where I am today without all of them.

So everyone have a great Thanksgiving and remember your family and friends.


Last hours

I feel odd tonight. Very much alone even though I’ve heard from friends – some of them – and had gotten in touch with Andy (my younger brother) who I don’t get to talk to as much since he moved out of the house…

Something’s missing… Maybe it’s just because I’ve been through this shit twice before in the last year and there was something that came up each time and it didn’t come up at the same time…


I don’t know what to say and I don’t know to stay silent. There is no joy in silence – that much I have learned. There is joy in laughter but there is no joy when the laughter is held back because the ache is too apparent. There are no smiles when the grim is hanging over you and there are only so many things you can do before you go slowly insane with worry and fear.

So, John Fontana, Neurofibrometosis Type 2 sufferer, will be going of the air again for the second time in only a few months. The Stonegauge falling silent may or may not happen – tht depends on certain people who I have entrusted this page to.

Why do I want the page to go on — even if it’s mundane stuff being reported about people’s private lives? Because the point of the Stonegauge, since I was originally broken hearted in March of this year, was to stay drunk on writing in a way to escape the day to day… Finding words sometimes were the only way to get through… I would like tha carried on even if I am not here. I know that isn’t the easiest thing to do, nor is it something desired by those who have done it in the past, but it’s there to do and I am hoping it goes on….

The operation is scheduled for 7:30 AM… It’s supposed to last six hours…. I might be under anesthesia, but these will likely be the longest 6 hours of my life — defining just who I am going to be and what life I will lead for the remainder of my mortal existence…

There is stuff I want to say in closing but alas, they are really empty statements and not true words…. There is a lot of emptiness around… Emptiness that is caused by things out of my hands — beyond my control. Shit happens and all of that…. Who’s to say that’s not true? Decisions that you make – so yourself alone.

Take care, all. A happy and joyous Thanksgiving to those who find this site – and best wishes for the Holidays.

Appointment from hell

So I needed a fresh MRI… that’s ok, that’s fine… 20 minutes, maybe a half hour in all… in and out, that’s what I figured when I heard about it yesterday.

Need to be prepared for tomorrow… Need my doctor fully prepared too… Give him everything he needs, no questions…

So I show up at a MRI clinic in south Tampa today which I had never been to. I showed up sometime before 10 AM with the intention of just going in and getting my shit done and going out. I figured there might be some delays because I was a last minute entry into the schedule – but I can deal with that, right? No biggie…

The biggie was everything after that. Waiting around, I get put off, put around, sidetracked, sideways. i have to strip down for the MRI and then have to sit around, freezing my ass off in 70 degrees, waiting to find out that the MRI unit is too powerful for me and it would be easier to get a copy of my OLD MRI Films from my normal clinic.

Just ook them 2 hours of bitching, paging, running around and other shit in order to figure this out. I’m pissed off at the clinic, I’m pissed off at the Cochlear corp (who happen to make my dandy ABI hearing device), I’m just pissed off in general – this is no way you want to be lead into surgery… “Eh, we won’t have things set for you, son. Sucks to be you. Hope your doctor is a miracle worker because he won’t have fresh shizit to help him through surgery.”


SO i have hours left of this life, if this is a life. I was talking to a friend last night and came to the realization I have been at this crossroads before – that was when I lost my hearing though. It was a lot different and a lot the same — going back to square one, entirely. Having to learn how to deal with life all over again from a new perspective…

….That is, if things don’t work out. And honestly – I don’t know how they will work out. Right now I think I need a miracle….


For those of you who have never had to spend a day in the hospital, being forced to wait a gods age to talk to a doctor for a few minutes before being shuttled along to another doctor… I hope you never have to go through the Pre-Operation experience which I have so adequately have down.

I spent the majority of my day at Tampa General Hospital, hob knobbing in Harborside Plaza before being shuttled through the Pre-Op area of the main hospital… Where I got to re-read the bad news that I may be a paraplegic after my scheduled operation Wednesday.

Yes, that’s right folks. A guy who used to be able to walk being forced to use a wheelchair for the remainder of his days perchance… You don’t meet many of these people often… Normally when you find out someone has been forced into a wheelchair, you assume there was an accident.

Mine’s genetics…

At any rate, I’ve been down a good part of the day after reading some stuff my Doctor wrote about the gravity of the operation… It made em miss, it made me want, it made me hurt, it made me want to cry (and I know I did at times – just sobbing to myself when no one was looking). I could have used a shoulder to lean on…. but it would seem that between people’s choices and the course of fate, some doors you have to walk through all alone.

…which is, sadly, a very common experience for myself… Or at least that is how I feel about it.

I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my family but at the same time – I am missing something… *sigh*

Another great post from

For those of you planning on seeing the third LOTR movie at the theater her are some survival tips.
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, “Wait… where the hell is Harry Potter?”
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!” – After the movie, say “Lucas could have done it better.”
3. At some point during the movie, stand up and shout: “I must go! Middle Earth needs me!” and run and try to jump into the screen. After bouncing off, return quietly to your seat.
4. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: “The Ring.”
5. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
6. Ask the nearest ring-nut if he thinks Gandalf went to Hogwarts
7. Finish off every one of Elrond’s lines with “Mr. Anderson.”
8. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, “And I did it…. MY way…!”
9. At the end, complain that Gollum was offensive to Ethiopians
10. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone’s finger and fall down the stairs.
11. When Shelob appears, pinch the guy in front of you on the back of the neck.
12. Dress up as old ladies and reenact “The Battle of Helms Deep” Monty Python style.
13. When Denethor lights the fire, shout “Barbecue!”
14. Ask people around you who they think is the next “Terminator” sent from the Middle Earth of the future to assassinate Frodo Baggins
15. In The Two Towers when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout “RUN FOREST, RUN!”
16. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: “That’s what I’m Tolkien about!” See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
17. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, “Where’s Waldo?”
18. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.
19. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
20. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

Ah, bash, I love you so… :biggrin

Johnny and the 'roids

OK, so there is no chance I am competing in the Olympics next year.

Dr. Smith put me on Steroids earlier this week for preparation of the big day, Wednesday. He wanted me at my strongest for the operation and post-op and I can tell you right now I am better off than I have been with muscle strength than I have been in weeks. I’m up walking around a lot more and doing a lot more than I had been as my legs have been fading the past few weeks.

Of course, this means I am going to have more of a time building up muscle strength again after I am done with my prescription, because you always have a tougher time with muscles after steroid use… but for the mean time, I think I’ll live with it. Who knows, this could be a grim last visit to the land of legging-it-out. :sad

On Second thought…

You know, a few months back, i had left a brief review of Lord Of the Rings: The Two Towers, saying that ti didn’t care for it at all that much. Personally, the short version jumped around too much and it was just tougher to get into the damned thing than I could recall with either version of Lord Of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

My opinion has changed though, thanks to the extended version of the film.

First off, i do have to say that I was most likely feeling like crapola when I originally watched The Two Towers. Seeing I had only been out of the hospital for a matter of days. But looking over that review I wrote in it’s shortness – it holds true. The original version had too much jammed into too short a time frame and therefore sucked because you jumped around and didn’t get all the story you needed to get with the shortened version.

The longer version has just a bit more plot development, it’s a bit more captivating and it tells you more about the key characters. I don’t want to spoil the extended version for those who haven’t seen it, but Bormir is back in this version and not just in a flash-back from to Council of Elrond… It gives you some insight on how bad things are in Gondor and how much Bormir was fancied.

For the record, though, most of the movie is the same if you have seen the original movie. I personally just prefer this longer cut because it just developers better than the other version that came out in theaters.


nothing shocking here… though I think I am more paranoid than the test made me out to be.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Personality Disorder Test – Take It!

Interaction #2 — Part Three: Inter-answers

Keith Asked

1. New York Yankees, or New York Rangers?
Rangers. They spend all that money and STILL suck!

2. If you were told you could be rich and famous, but would die in 10 years, would you want it?
I don’t know… Sometimes I feel like I only have 10 years to live anyway… So I’m really not sure. IF I could be rich, make everyone financially secure and better off financially and pass away in ten years – not knowing how long I had to live myself… I’d have to seriously give it consideration.

3. Rosie O’Donnell nude, or Oprah Winfrey nude?
Oprah nude… I don’t think I could take all the skin folds on Rosie

4. Would you rather be destitute and in love, or rich and in a meaningless relationship?
Destitute and in love, any day.

5. Onions are the root of all evil, explain why. :wink
Hmmm, this is a tough one, a good one at that. You see, Onions tend to cause gas in people and that adds methane to the atmosphere – from all the people breaking wind because of Onions in their meals. Methane gas helps global warming and making the earth a less hospitable place to live. If, because of all the onions we eat, we end up making the Earth unable to sustain life, we could put enough blame on Onions for it… And for one vegetable to cause that much death and destruction that would come from global warming, it could be easily concluded that Onions are the root of all evil.

PPH Asked:

1. What’s your favorite color?
Blue or green

2. When do you give up on someone?
You only give up on someone when they have given up on you or stopped showing interest, or pushed you away so much it’s quite visibly their move. If someone turns a blind eye towards you or stops talking to you or just puts you off in general, you get to the point where you might have to just give up on them because the hurt that it causes becomes too much. Then again? When you love somebody, you it’s hard to bring yourself to stop trying. It’s gotta be mutual in the end, though. This goes for friendships too.

3. Paper or Plastic?
Paper. Renewable resource that biodegrades. Call me a eco-freak.

4. Skankiest entertainer?
Madonna with Christina Aguilera a runner up. Britney is coming up the back awfully fast too.

5. Will Howard Dean win the election? :o)
He sure better. We need him.

Sarah Asked

1. What’s better, rambling or silence? Rambling, but conversations that go on and on and everything else falls away during them isn’t rambling.

2. If you want to speak to someone, what reasons can you think of not to?
Depends on what the deal is with that someone. If there are things left unsaid, or things that were never apologized for, that might be a reason… If a person won’t get back to you, that might be a reason. If you’ve been treated poorly and that’s been unacknowledged, that might be a reason… You can still very much want to talk to someone, but when they build a wall to keep you out of their life, you’ve got to build a wall of your own to keep your sanity.

3. When things go wrong, who’s fault is it most of the time?
It’s not about blame but it’s about making things right again – and that takes an effort from all parties. That’s the problem in this country because people won’t take steps to make things better (government, corporations, people in relationships)… They can assess blame and finger point real well, but they can’t rectify situations – or chose not to because it would compromise their ambitions or their ego. Why get involved in the muck of trying to fix things when you can keep going and come back to the problem after it’s been fixed by itself? Why not try to fix it or get involved in resolving the situation instead of avoiding it?
When someone avoids dealing with a situaiton, that’s when blame gets dumped on them.

4. Life’s ________ so __________. (fill in the blank)
Life’s a song, so sing. Life’s but a dream, so someone’s having a nightmare. Life’s a journey; so don’t treat it like a destination.

5. Who’s closer to the truth, the scientist or the religious man?
I think it’s right in the middle between them where the truth lay – both men are close to the truth, but only to a point. There is only so much physical before the spiritual comes into play and only so much spirituality before the physical explanation comes into play. I think God has a helping hand in Science and Science has a helping hand in God.

Melanie Asked:

1. Out of all the Shakespeare plays, what is your favorite tragedy AND your favorite comedy??
I haven’t read that much Shakespeare in order to give you a good answer but I know my favorite tragedy is Hamlet. Comedy? It’s tough to say this because I don’t have much to gauge but 12th Night.

2. Who in your opinion was the greatest president of the US? And Why?
I thought you didn’t do politics? :p This is a tough one because I don’t know everything about every president who has been there. There’s Clinton who lead us through prosperity, but he had partisan politics and scandals malign his term in office… We had Abe Lincoln who did his damnedest to preserve the Union and had his life tragically taken from him. We had JFK who taught us to aim high and to try, and also had his life tragically taken from him… But I think the greatest president in US history is one that others might think of as the worst president of US history – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He presided over the toughest time of the 20th century – the great depression and World War 2. He handed the US a new deal and did what he could to bring the nation back from the depression. It was a long hard road, but it eventually happened. He overcame disability to achieve this, and was elected for more terms than any previous US president, showing the People were behind him.

3. Would you rather pop a can of Pringles or pop a cherry?
“Once you pop, you can’t stop.” It just depends on who, and what type of Pringles. To decide between a person and some potato chips, that’s pretty pathetic right? That’s how I work though, I guess.. It’s not the body part but who it’s attached to…

4. If you could be any age, what age would you be and why?
18. That or sometime in my teens. Everything was in front of me and I just had so much optimism how it would play out, I was angry and yet I was interested in finding my niche. Being able to look forward more and not look around and feel like a failure, it would mean the world to me.

5. If you were a hamburger, what toppings would cover you?
Anohter patty so we can have some meat on meat action, spread some ketchup over both of us for added sensuality, and then onions to further prove that they are the root of all evil – not only do they help spread methane gas, they are a key part of burger-on-burger carnal pleasure. Put a bun on and take a bite and you will taste the pure ecstacy brought on by the hot burger patty action.

Why John?

Aren’t I the coolest? John told me I could post on his journal today, yippee. :woot So John and I have been sending a couple air messages here and there today, just to check up on each other, since he has decided to take some time off from the web. :wink

My gooddness, such bad manners I have, I forgot to introduce myself. I am thee Melanie, John has mentioned in his blogs here and there. My Blog Any way I am from Nebraska, very far away from John. No sunny beaches for me. :sad Though the humidity is just as bad, or at least close. So the weather here sucks, no biggie. On with me, I am a college graduate, though I don’t think I learned anything useful, or at least that’s my opinion. I am happily engaged to a very strange man. j/k Well at least sometimes he is. I work full time and have a seasonal job, I am a busy girl. From the looks of things maybe not busy enough. So I think that is enough about me now.

It’s my turn to talk about John. :evil I am going to be a bit blunt here. I have known John for about 5 years or so. Seeing him broken down on the inside just makes me sad and angry. First off he has to go through all this surgery and what not. This sucks since he might be in a wheel chair and his parents are being stupid about the whole thing. And then his heart is being torn apart and that really pisses me off since the situation was handled very badly. So in turn John got left with the bad end of the deal, with no resolution. He has been treated badly and doens’t deserve it. He deserves resolution and not the runaround. So any way John is a great person and though we have never met I sincerely care for him.

Good luck John with the surgery and all. *HUGS*

When all I've got is hurt…

I’m happy for Bill, he’s starting to have something happening after a long long drought. Go Bill

I’m…. just… not really capable of saying much more.

Oh Deer

Oh Deer has a couple of meanings to it as the title to this entry…

At first, I’ll give you the literal interpertation – A deer rand through my neighborhood. NOw, for those of you out in the country or who have lived in the country or areas where woods are plentiful – deer sightings are more common. Personally, I haven’t seen a deer since I lived up on Long Island. I see deer signs near Booker Creek preserve here in North Pinellas, but never have I seen anything around Lake St. George that would suggest there would be this kind of wildlife around.

Gopher Tortises, sure… Aligators? Totally — Eric had one in his backyard once, as had many others in the neighborhood. Snakes? Plenty. But deer? Never. I’ve lived here 14 years and never has the possibility of a deer in the area seemed like a possibility.

Too much developement, too many people, not enough space to roam.

But my mom saw one run down our street. How the hell it got to Lake St. George, I don’t know. If it’ll survive until it’s trapped and moved to a safer location – I don’t know at all.

The other part of “Oh Deer” is the “Oh Dear” part. It’s been six weeks since I saw Doc Smith and I was at his office today. We spoke candidly towards each other — I told him I was fading and he told me that i would likely have a long recupperation in front of me after surgery — including a stay at a rehabilitation center.

It’s troubling. Un-nervving – pun not intended but recognized.

So next Wednesday, I am supposed to go under the knife – the day before Thanksgiving. I’m really sorta taken aback but at the same time, I recognize the fact I got to get this shit done — now. While u are eating your turkey or with your family, I’m going to be lying in a hospital bed.

…With no guarantee that I will take to my feet under my own power again.

Letters make up words

Opinion: Dean’s outreach

Dean’s outreach
Letters to the Editor
Published November 16, 2003

Re: Howard Dean and the Confederate flag.

The Nov. 13 letter writers who were critical of Howard Dean and his Confederate flag comments are missing the point of the statement that Dean made. He was not blessing bigotry, nor was he showcasing a need to push for racial insensitivity.

Gov. Dean is looking to bring back the Southern voter who traditionally votes Republican. The Confederate flag comment was a poor way to describe whom he is trying to reach, but it was painfully obvious that poor white Southerners were his targeted group. Maybe that can be looked at as a stereotype (that all Southerners drive pickups and have the Confederate flag somewhere), but how often do you see the stereotype that a Southern citizen has to vote Republican
The issue isn’t about bigotry or racism with Dean’s comments. It is about trying to reach out to a voting segment and show that he isn’t turning a blind eye toward them, as Republicans have traditionally done once elected.

— John Fontana, Palm Harbor

Oooh, oooh! Look! I’m famoous! :smile

I've been here before?

I went to Target the other day – first time in months… I rolled around the store and was taken aback by it all – major case of Deja Vu. Why? Everything was set up just like last year when I was working at the store. Hell, some of the same products were being offered for the holiday season (I didn’t go through them all).

I couldn’t find many of the people I used to work with to talk to — that’s probably a good thing because it was strange with me being there in a wheelchair.

It’s not difficult to operate but you draw glances from everyone, it seems, or at least the kids…. I like getting around a store with it because the store floor is level and thus I can move about pretty freely…. It’s a lot better than my house where there is too much crap thrown about to make moving from room to room difficult.

Back to the store – it was nice to touch the past again… I had a good time working there and it’s my favorite retail place to wander to (or had been) when thing swere going ok.

*Sigh* Touching the past while in the present. If only, if only……

Signifying Nothing

“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day to the last syllable of recorded time. And all our yesterdays have lighted fools the way to dusty death. Out, out brief candle. Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” The Tragedy of McBeth Act V, Scene V

I always loved this soliloquy after Ms. Ciccone at East Lake High School made us memorize it and recite it from the heart. It’s stayed with me these years but it was brought back to my mind only after a trip to

Why did it come back? I don’t know… Why do I like it? Maybe I can see life like how MacBeth states it? It’s just a shadow, a poor player who struts his hour upon the stage and then is never heard again….

Interaction #2 – Part Two

All right, if you have answered the questions below, feel free to pose me 5 questions of your own in the comment section of this post…

If you haven’t played the first part — you don’t qualify for the second. Sorry!

I’ll answer in another thread. Maybe not immediately but within the next week.

Interaction #2 — Part One

All right, ladies and gentlemen… For the consistant readers here at der Stonegauge, you may recall I had a little Interaction section a few months back where I posed some questions to everyone and they posed some questions back to me in response…

This is just an ongoing deal… I’ll post Five Quesitons here and your job is to answer those questions as best you can. On the next thread – you can pose me five questions of your own… but please note – I’ll delete any posts that are overly crude….

At any rate — Lets start this off…

Five Questions

  1. If music is the melody of life, what band do you think is setting the tempo?
  2. If you watch Sci-Fi / Fantasy movies, which Saga do you prefer more — Star Wars, The Matrix or Lord of The Rings?
  3. What is more important to you – your ambitions or love?
  4. Describe how you think George W. Bush is performing in office and why you draw that conclusion.
  5. In a deleted scene in Pulp Fiction Mia Wallace tells Vincent Vega that there are two types of people in thsi world: Elvis people and Beatles people. In your humble opinion, which one are you?

Stay of Execution

Seems like an operation next week is looking less likely….

Freedom is a beautiful thing, just not in America / Latest News / World / Ahead of stormy visit to Britain, Bush says Britons’ sacrifices in Iraq not in vain

Last week, Bush said he was not bothered by the planned protests. ”I’m so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their minds,” he said. ”That’s fantastic. Freedom is a beautiful thing.”

So, El Presidente Estupido, if freedom is such a beautiful thing, how come you force protestors in your own country into free speech zones?

Of course, while you are over in Britian, you aren’t going to be able to have an iron fist dictatorship to keep you from seeing negativity aobut yoru visit… Youc an preach about freedom, but it doesn’t mean you grant it in the country you rule.

Knife Time

Well, it looks like it will be WEDNESDAY for me when I finally deal with this leg thing once and for all.

That’s right, kiddies, I’m going under the knife again in 6 days (almost five now). I knew it was coming up, that is why i was whining and bellyaching a little more the past week. That’s why I was missing a little more over the last week.

6 Days – that was quite a shock when I heard that was one of the possible dates…

Yes, it was only one of the possible dates but I’m sitting here knowing I am fading with my leg strength, as I have been since I got out of the hospital in September… I’m having more problems and damnit – if I don’t try to fight this stuff, it’s going to get worse and worse until I’ll be forced into a worse spot than I am in now.

And folks, I’m in a bad spot now. My friends have known it, my family knows it. I’ve known it since I came to in the hospital in August after the last operation….

So what’s going to be the deal witht he Stonegauge over the time? Well, instead of putting a muffler on the site, the guest writers will come out of the woodwork again. Certain people still have their accounts but I’ve also talked to a couple of my good friends who will be trying to keep things running while I am out of action.

My buddy Keith from Calgary, Alberta; my FSU-attending, U of F loving bud-ette, Terra; my Nebraska Corn-husker friend, Melanie

Fear the Posse, people, fear the Posse :evil

SO I got until Tuesday. WHo knows what the deal will be the next few days. I got to get my shit in order online and off… And figure out how I am going to live life Post-op…..

Platonic brotherly lust

~*~ Secret Diaries ~*~ of the Fellowship of the Ring

Day 36 :

Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor.

Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he’s so good at.

Frodo and Sam, sitting in the tree….

There are secret diaries for each of the LOTR (Fellowship) characters… OR at least most of them. Check out the site!


Can someone give me a swift kick in the ass?

That or some assistance getting on the ball again with, say, everything?

I’ve got some push here and there but not push for what matters….

Nothing new on the western front

I’m doing some housekeeping here and putitng some of my past journal entries on Moveable Type… It’s a boring process but then again it is also something that is helping me want to write again in here — just to see where I’ve been and where I had been. I don’t know who does that — reading past things they have said in their journals — but I am doing it now, so that’s what matters.

I’m also looking for a web cam community that is like Camerades isn’t working properly for me right now and I would love another live video streaming option.

Don't Chat For America

What does the word MODERATOR mean? What is it’s definition. Our good friends over at have it defined as this:

mod·er·a·tor ( P )
One that moderates, as:
One that arbitrates or mediates.
One who presides over a meeting, forum, or debate.
The officer who presides over a synod or general assembly of the Presbyterian Church.
Physics. A substance, such as water or graphite, that is used in a nuclear reactor to decrease the speed of fast neutrons and increase the likelihood of fission.

One who, or that which, moderates, restrains, or pacifies.

The officer who presides over an assembly to preserve order, propose questions, regulate the proceedings, and declare the votes.

That’s just some of the definitions of the word moderator. In esscence, a moderator is supposed to step in and stop things from going to shit. THey are supposed to keep the fighting from happening. They are supposed to keep the balance.

I know this first hand, I administrated on, I moderated there before I administrated and got plenty of first-hand experience.

Why the hell these chat-heads can’t get the fucking clue what it means to moderate is beyond my. They don’t want to step in when one of the chat regulars starts blasting other regulars in the room. They “aren’t your parents” and they think everything should be dealt with in private.

Right, like someone who says “Fuck off, fuck you and don’t send me private messages” is going to deal with problems?

Lack of moderating shows cowardice by anyone on any web site that doesn’t want to be made to look like the bad guy. It’s just a fucking online world, people! You think some nitwit shoudl be allowed to bash the very people you are trying to coax into using your service? What are you, retarded?

This goes for any message board / chat room that you go into. You may tell me that “to go and stifle someone even if he isn’t being the best person in the world is censorship” is also something I believe is complete and utter horseshit. Censorship is when the first ammendment, in a public area, is silenced. To tell someone to restrain themselves in a PRIVATE web site, to step in and shwo someone physically that they are wrong for how they are acting by suspending them or booting them isn’t censorship either – it’s trying to kepe things worthwhile for everyone else.

Cops are supposed to be moderators. Constables of the Peace are supposed to keep crime down, keep the world livable for everyone else… Surely someone can’t complain that they are censoring you if you get arrested for a crime you commit… They broke the law, they infringed on someone else’s life.

Same goes for online chat. Or message board useage. If you break the law or infringe on someone else’s life, someone coming down on you should be expected.

And if moderators don’t have the balls to do it, then they should be canned.

It’s outrageous and ironic that htis is happening with Howard Dean’s campaign. He complains that the beltway boys in Washington won’t step forward and say / do shit against George W. Bush because they don’t want to look like bad guys. It’s the exact same with these nitwits who are overseeing chat. If they won’t step in and do something — why the fuck are they there in the first place? They sure ain’t moderating.

The Film Fan Man and Movies that Panned

With The Matrix Reloaded panned by critics and with Revolutions getting the same treatment, I am wondering just how much I am going to like Revolutions seeing that i liked Reloaded for all its flaws that the critics claimed the movie had, or how it was boring or whatever.

I know this isn’t the first time, nor will it be the last, that I experience this. There have been plenty of movies I have liked that critics – or even the public – have loathed to one degree or another.

Take, for instance, Jim Carrey’s The Majestic. For some reason, I cannot not-like Carrey in a serious role which Jim has tried before to give his acting a little more depth. I mean, I also liked The Truman Show as it is one of my favorite movies all time… That’s two Carrey roles that got mixed reviews — and loathing from the comedic demanding Jim Carrey Loving public.

Add The Cable Guy to this list and you have a trifecta of bombed Carrey movies that I love. I like the dark humor of Ben Stiller’s movie in which Matthew Broderick is stalked by a cable installation technician who watched one too many re-runs as a child.

Lets not stop here however, I’m sure I have a long list of movies that were panned that I happened to like… For instance, Death To Smoochy is a comedic masterpiece to me. Ok, not a MASTERPIECE but at the same time, it’s a amusing comedy that features Robin Williams in a role that finally allows him to showcase his inner anarchist. It also lets Edward Norton finally defuse the ultra-serious image that he has passed out in movies like American History X and Primal Fear.

Then we have the Pierce Brosnan-as-James-Bond Tomorrow Never Dies. I’m told time and again that Sean Connery is the ultimate Bond but alas — I believe Pierce is and this film sorta cemented that with me. He’s suave, he’s got the expressions and the acting down and he’s just too f’n cool in this movie. Most of the recent Bond films have been less believable, to me at least, than this one…. Which I couldn’t stop watching when it came out, and that I have seen put down numerous times by the fans.

Another one that comes to mind – which has a direct link to The Matrix movies because of the writers, is Assassins. Maybe you can call this one a guilty pleasure because Sly Stallone is sorta blah in the lead role but damnit — Antonio Bandaras comes off SO FUCKING COOL as Miguel Bain. Wouldn’t you agree… Bobby?

And there is another movie that could easily make this list, that being the Matthew Perry / Bruce Willis assassin-in-suburbia The Whole Nine Yards. To some, the movie is too dark. To others? The movie humor is too light and therefore inneffective. I’ve seen this flick ridiculed by fans and by critics alike but, aw hell.. It’s enjoyable to me.

So what about you? Any movies that were panned that you actually loved? I don’t mean blockbusters like Star Wars or something either…

Fucitol you Bastardane

Molecules with Silly or Unusual Names

For chemists and the chemistry students in everyone

Hair Apparent / So I beg ya

Oh sweet Jesus, I got a haircut. .

Anyone who knows me, knows I tend to grow my hair in really long — a pretty good mop top. My hair was ratty and overgrown and not cut evenly (I had trimmed it twice myself and that was only to give me more visibility from my eyes instead of seeing hair) and generally was just a mess…

I’d give you a picture but I haven’t taken a picture in the longest time.

Now? Now I have a close cropped ‘do with no sideburns. Dear god — NO SIDEBURNS. I feel naked. I told the barber that I felt violated after I saw all my hair falling to the floor. It’s not just long hair, but it’s thick too (wonder if that will give the ladies any ideas? :tongue) and it was just… well, it was mine. Damnit, mine.

But now I am good to go another year without a haircut so :tongue j/k… I’ll probably keep things more closely cropped in the future, but who knows.

Meanwhile, I’m only 162 pages into Stephen King’s newest Dark Tower tome, Wolves of the Calla. I spent the entire day yesterday just sitting around in boxer shorts and reeding. The thing is over 700 pages long in total and that means I gotta put my nose to the grindstone with it.

I read slow though. Why? Because I enjoy it. I don’t shovel something into my brain, I savor it… Maybe that is why I am an impassioned, sensitive person? I savor what I experience — even if it’s negative. Does that make me a sadist too? :tongue I’d rather be a happy-ist, and of course those who have talked to me have seen me more like my old self lately….

Time to Read

At last! Wolves of the Calla!

Words that make you call out Poo

It’s funny how I was believing that writing was a salvation from drowning or being destroyed by reality, and i haven’t had the ability to write anything or want to write anything for a while now.

Check the journal, you can see the rants haven’t been there — they’ve been snippets here and there, not much more. In some cases they’ve been a few paragraphs, but the substance? What has the substance been?

Words, feelings, worries, blah blah blah blah blah.

I’m in a rut, no thanks to life as I know it an my health making life shit for me. I’m in a rut even trying to do what I know I am capable of doing. Self doubt, maybe procrastination… they are both stifling what I used to covet.

And of course the lack of creativity right now… The lack of a market… The lack of some push from something or someone special…

I feel like I am oblivion incarnate, or perhaps the embodiment of what is wrong with this world. I need some time – or a vacation from my life, from myself… from my worries and doubts… Maybe I just nee d a trip to Euphoria again? Happiness seems like such a distant land, even though I can find contentment shooting the shit up with some of my friends.

Maybe that’s all I should be relying on now? The little help from my friends when my Friends need a little help from my humor? There’s got to be more to my life though — I couldn’t stay sane with just that alone…. Though I am edging insanity as is.

This si going to hurt

Ah damn, Howard… Why do I get the feeling you just fucked up big time?

From bad to worse

Come on baby, gonna take a little ride
Down, down by the ocean side
Gonna get real close
Gonna get real tight
Come on babe, gonna drown tonight
Going down, down, down….

Things are real bad right now. Steadily getting worse. Through all this I want to talk with one person. I want to go back to the past with one person.

The past is dead though. If not by time, by actions of others. By words, by decisions. I can’t bring myself to try to bring up the past through the hurt and at the same time if I do it will only lead to more hurt. Not the comforting hand that I so dearly miss. And I know that the other side won’t make an attempt.

It’s my own shred of selfishness… but of course my shred doesn’t include pushing people away, avoiding, falsely accusing, falsely blaming, ignoring and the like.

And through all this, I still miss her. Or at least miss the memory of what she once was and what she’s trying to distance herself from.

Ow my back

I heard that you were feeling ill
Headache, fever, and a chill
I came to help restore your pluck
‘Cause I’m the nurse that likes to….

….talk? :tongue

Stir Crazy

I’m going insane. Slowly but surely, I am going insane.

You see, I’ve been without the ability to walk safely for several months now and I have been houseridden since September since I had surgery on my upper back. During that time my leg muscles have gotten stronger but alas — the nerves running to my legs have only gotten weaker and my balance has also suffered.

I live on the 2nd floor of a house that is anything but a place for a disabled person to live. I have the damnedest time getting up and down the stairs and it takes an effort. When I am downstairs, I either have to use a walker or I have to roll around in a wheelchair. This is a big departure for me, as I used to walk for miles just for the hell of it. Now I can’t bring myself to walk very well because my legs have given out on me.

So I’m forced to do up-and-down the stairs and around-the-house a few hundred times a day and that is the extent of me getting around, and it is driving me fucking insane. You are probably wondering “Why aren’t you going outside, John?” The answer to that question is because of the “stoop” that I have to get over to get out the door while wheelchair bound. Even WHEN I get out the door, sometimes I have my parents and brother carelessly parked so I can’t exit the walkway because their cars are in the way.

And when I get around the car? If I get around the car? Then it’s a matter of my own strength and my own determination to get down the block – which is a difficult task in a wheelchair when you have a hill that slants the sidewalk. I being a wheelchair novice, have the damnedest time trying to deal with that, and end up annoyed and just plain tired with pushing myself by the time I reach a certain point two or three houses away.

I am going oh so crazy. Six, five, four, three, two, one, switch.
(anyone remember Sharon, Lois and Bram? :tongue)

SO up and down and around and around and around the first floor is my flight plan if anything and even THEN — staying inside — I have too many things in my way or making it tough for me to get around — tables positioned a certain way, chairs in the way, my mothers sandals kicked out in the open, end tables, etc, etc, etc.

This house is no place for a disabled person and this thing that some woudl argue is a life, is not worth living right now. Purpose escapes me, the simple refuge of gettin gaway also escapes me. How I lust for the past… Walking for miles just for the hell of it seems so long ago. The shopping centers where I would go seem so far away now… So far away when you just can’t get out there on your own….

Fire and Rain

James Taylor – Fire And Rain

I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain
I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I’d see you again

Missed being wanted

Terra Cassiday: omg, seriously like i was like i need to tell john this, as if like u were one of my deep down true “girlfriends” crazy.. i dont know if i am explaing this all to well

It feels great to be important to someone like that again. Though I know this (what Terra said) is the truth with others out there as well…

Chat community I actually enjoy

Well, it’s taken me years to find a group – small but cool — to chat with that I can consistently come back to. Non idiots, people who will actually speak…

…all older than me though, it seems…

Chat For America