It always gets worse before it gets better

Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.

I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.

I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.

I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…

I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.