Tag: friends
Giving Thanks
:sad Today my most awesome friend John goes under the knife. :sad I will definitely be keeping him in my thoughts and prayers this Thanksgiving. *hugs*
Thanksgiving. That word brings so many thoughts to my mind. My first thoughts are of food, you know the turkey, stuffing, sweet potatos, corn, and pumpkin pie. I am not terribly fond of the latter, I substitute cheesecake, yummy. So eating is my favorite thing to do on Thanksgiving. I am a pig, oink oink.
My second thoughts are of friends and family. This should really come first but I can’t control my stomach, it’s the ruler of my body. j/k But I am really thankful for the friends and family I do have. I have a man to spend the rest of my life with, great parents, and loving friends and family. I probably wouldn’t be where I am today without all of them.
So everyone have a great Thanksgiving and remember your family and friends.
:smile
Last hours
I feel odd tonight. Very much alone even though I’ve heard from friends – some of them – and had gotten in touch with Andy (my younger brother) who I don’t get to talk to as much since he moved out of the house…
Something’s missing… Maybe it’s just because I’ve been through this shit twice before in the last year and there was something that came up each time and it didn’t come up at the same time…
*sigh*
I don’t know what to say and I don’t know to stay silent. There is no joy in silence – that much I have learned. There is joy in laughter but there is no joy when the laughter is held back because the ache is too apparent. There are no smiles when the grim is hanging over you and there are only so many things you can do before you go slowly insane with worry and fear.
So, John Fontana, Neurofibrometosis Type 2 sufferer, will be going of the air again for the second time in only a few months. The Stonegauge falling silent may or may not happen – tht depends on certain people who I have entrusted this page to.
Why do I want the page to go on — even if it’s mundane stuff being reported about people’s private lives? Because the point of the Stonegauge, since I was originally broken hearted in March of this year, was to stay drunk on writing in a way to escape the day to day… Finding words sometimes were the only way to get through… I would like tha carried on even if I am not here. I know that isn’t the easiest thing to do, nor is it something desired by those who have done it in the past, but it’s there to do and I am hoping it goes on….
The operation is scheduled for 7:30 AM… It’s supposed to last six hours…. I might be under anesthesia, but these will likely be the longest 6 hours of my life — defining just who I am going to be and what life I will lead for the remainder of my mortal existence…
There is stuff I want to say in closing but alas, they are really empty statements and not true words…. There is a lot of emptiness around… Emptiness that is caused by things out of my hands — beyond my control. Shit happens and all of that…. Who’s to say that’s not true? Decisions that you make – so yourself alone.
Take care, all. A happy and joyous Thanksgiving to those who find this site – and best wishes for the Holidays.
Pre-op
For those of you who have never had to spend a day in the hospital, being forced to wait a gods age to talk to a doctor for a few minutes before being shuttled along to another doctor… I hope you never have to go through the Pre-Operation experience which I have so adequately have down.
I spent the majority of my day at Tampa General Hospital, hob knobbing in Harborside Plaza before being shuttled through the Pre-Op area of the main hospital… Where I got to re-read the bad news that I may be a paraplegic after my scheduled operation Wednesday.
Yes, that’s right folks. A guy who used to be able to walk being forced to use a wheelchair for the remainder of his days perchance… You don’t meet many of these people often… Normally when you find out someone has been forced into a wheelchair, you assume there was an accident.
Mine’s genetics…
At any rate, I’ve been down a good part of the day after reading some stuff my Doctor wrote about the gravity of the operation… It made em miss, it made me want, it made me hurt, it made me want to cry (and I know I did at times – just sobbing to myself when no one was looking). I could have used a shoulder to lean on…. but it would seem that between people’s choices and the course of fate, some doors you have to walk through all alone.
…which is, sadly, a very common experience for myself… Or at least that is how I feel about it.
I’ve got my friends, I’ve got my family but at the same time – I am missing something… *sigh*
Interaction #2 — Part Three: Inter-answers
Keith Asked
1. New York Yankees, or New York Rangers?
Rangers. They spend all that money and STILL suck!2. If you were told you could be rich and famous, but would die in 10 years, would you want it?
I don’t know… Sometimes I feel like I only have 10 years to live anyway… So I’m really not sure. IF I could be rich, make everyone financially secure and better off financially and pass away in ten years – not knowing how long I had to live myself… I’d have to seriously give it consideration.3. Rosie O’Donnell nude, or Oprah Winfrey nude?
Oprah nude… I don’t think I could take all the skin folds on Rosie4. Would you rather be destitute and in love, or rich and in a meaningless relationship?
Destitute and in love, any day.5. Onions are the root of all evil, explain why. :wink
Hmmm, this is a tough one, a good one at that. You see, Onions tend to cause gas in people and that adds methane to the atmosphere – from all the people breaking wind because of Onions in their meals. Methane gas helps global warming and making the earth a less hospitable place to live. If, because of all the onions we eat, we end up making the Earth unable to sustain life, we could put enough blame on Onions for it… And for one vegetable to cause that much death and destruction that would come from global warming, it could be easily concluded that Onions are the root of all evil.
PPH Asked:
1. What’s your favorite color?
Blue or green2. When do you give up on someone?
You only give up on someone when they have given up on you or stopped showing interest, or pushed you away so much it’s quite visibly their move. If someone turns a blind eye towards you or stops talking to you or just puts you off in general, you get to the point where you might have to just give up on them because the hurt that it causes becomes too much. Then again? When you love somebody, you it’s hard to bring yourself to stop trying. It’s gotta be mutual in the end, though. This goes for friendships too.3. Paper or Plastic?
Paper. Renewable resource that biodegrades. Call me a eco-freak.4. Skankiest entertainer?
Madonna with Christina Aguilera a runner up. Britney is coming up the back awfully fast too.5. Will Howard Dean win the election? :o)
He sure better. We need him.
Sarah Asked
1. What’s better, rambling or silence? Rambling, but conversations that go on and on and everything else falls away during them isn’t rambling.
2. If you want to speak to someone, what reasons can you think of not to?
Depends on what the deal is with that someone. If there are things left unsaid, or things that were never apologized for, that might be a reason… If a person won’t get back to you, that might be a reason. If you’ve been treated poorly and that’s been unacknowledged, that might be a reason… You can still very much want to talk to someone, but when they build a wall to keep you out of their life, you’ve got to build a wall of your own to keep your sanity.3. When things go wrong, who’s fault is it most of the time?
It’s not about blame but it’s about making things right again – and that takes an effort from all parties. That’s the problem in this country because people won’t take steps to make things better (government, corporations, people in relationships)… They can assess blame and finger point real well, but they can’t rectify situations – or chose not to because it would compromise their ambitions or their ego. Why get involved in the muck of trying to fix things when you can keep going and come back to the problem after it’s been fixed by itself? Why not try to fix it or get involved in resolving the situation instead of avoiding it?
When someone avoids dealing with a situaiton, that’s when blame gets dumped on them.4. Life’s ________ so __________. (fill in the blank)
Life’s a song, so sing. Life’s but a dream, so someone’s having a nightmare. Life’s a journey; so don’t treat it like a destination.5. Who’s closer to the truth, the scientist or the religious man?
I think it’s right in the middle between them where the truth lay – both men are close to the truth, but only to a point. There is only so much physical before the spiritual comes into play and only so much spirituality before the physical explanation comes into play. I think God has a helping hand in Science and Science has a helping hand in God.
Melanie Asked:
1. Out of all the Shakespeare plays, what is your favorite tragedy AND your favorite comedy??
I haven’t read that much Shakespeare in order to give you a good answer but I know my favorite tragedy is Hamlet. Comedy? It’s tough to say this because I don’t have much to gauge but 12th Night.2. Who in your opinion was the greatest president of the US? And Why?
I thought you didn’t do politics? :p This is a tough one because I don’t know everything about every president who has been there. There’s Clinton who lead us through prosperity, but he had partisan politics and scandals malign his term in office… We had Abe Lincoln who did his damnedest to preserve the Union and had his life tragically taken from him. We had JFK who taught us to aim high and to try, and also had his life tragically taken from him… But I think the greatest president in US history is one that others might think of as the worst president of US history – Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He presided over the toughest time of the 20th century – the great depression and World War 2. He handed the US a new deal and did what he could to bring the nation back from the depression. It was a long hard road, but it eventually happened. He overcame disability to achieve this, and was elected for more terms than any previous US president, showing the People were behind him.3. Would you rather pop a can of Pringles or pop a cherry?
“Once you pop, you can’t stop.” It just depends on who, and what type of Pringles. To decide between a person and some potato chips, that’s pretty pathetic right? That’s how I work though, I guess.. It’s not the body part but who it’s attached to…4. If you could be any age, what age would you be and why?
18. That or sometime in my teens. Everything was in front of me and I just had so much optimism how it would play out, I was angry and yet I was interested in finding my niche. Being able to look forward more and not look around and feel like a failure, it would mean the world to me.5. If you were a hamburger, what toppings would cover you?
Anohter patty so we can have some meat on meat action, spread some ketchup over both of us for added sensuality, and then onions to further prove that they are the root of all evil – not only do they help spread methane gas, they are a key part of burger-on-burger carnal pleasure. Put a bun on and take a bite and you will taste the pure ecstacy brought on by the hot burger patty action.
Knife Time
Well, it looks like it will be WEDNESDAY for me when I finally deal with this leg thing once and for all.
That’s right, kiddies, I’m going under the knife again in 6 days (almost five now). I knew it was coming up, that is why i was whining and bellyaching a little more the past week. That’s why I was missing a little more over the last week.
6 Days – that was quite a shock when I heard that was one of the possible dates…
Yes, it was only one of the possible dates but I’m sitting here knowing I am fading with my leg strength, as I have been since I got out of the hospital in September… I’m having more problems and damnit – if I don’t try to fight this stuff, it’s going to get worse and worse until I’ll be forced into a worse spot than I am in now.
And folks, I’m in a bad spot now. My friends have known it, my family knows it. I’ve known it since I came to in the hospital in August after the last operation….
So what’s going to be the deal witht he Stonegauge over the time? Well, instead of putting a muffler on the site, the guest writers will come out of the woodwork again. Certain people still have their accounts but I’ve also talked to a couple of my good friends who will be trying to keep things running while I am out of action.
My buddy Keith from Calgary, Alberta; my FSU-attending, U of F loving bud-ette, Terra; my Nebraska Corn-husker friend, Melanie…
Fear the Posse, people, fear the Posse :evil
SO I got until Tuesday. WHo knows what the deal will be the next few days. I got to get my shit in order online and off… And figure out how I am going to live life Post-op…..
Don't Chat For America
What does the word MODERATOR mean? What is it’s definition. Our good friends over at Dictionary.com have it defined as this:
mod·er·a·tor ( P )
n.
One that moderates, as:
One that arbitrates or mediates.
One who presides over a meeting, forum, or debate.
The officer who presides over a synod or general assembly of the Presbyterian Church.
Physics. A substance, such as water or graphite, that is used in a nuclear reactor to decrease the speed of fast neutrons and increase the likelihood of fission.One who, or that which, moderates, restrains, or pacifies.
The officer who presides over an assembly to preserve order, propose questions, regulate the proceedings, and declare the votes.
That’s just some of the definitions of the word moderator. In esscence, a moderator is supposed to step in and stop things from going to shit. THey are supposed to keep the fighting from happening. They are supposed to keep the balance.
I know this first hand, I administrated on FanHome.com, I moderated there before I administrated and got plenty of first-hand experience.
Why the hell these chat-heads can’t get the fucking clue what it means to moderate is beyond my. They don’t want to step in when one of the chat regulars starts blasting other regulars in the room. They “aren’t your parents” and they think everything should be dealt with in private.
Right, like someone who says “Fuck off, fuck you and don’t send me private messages” is going to deal with problems?
Lack of moderating shows cowardice by anyone on any web site that doesn’t want to be made to look like the bad guy. It’s just a fucking online world, people! You think some nitwit shoudl be allowed to bash the very people you are trying to coax into using your service? What are you, retarded?
This goes for any message board / chat room that you go into. You may tell me that “to go and stifle someone even if he isn’t being the best person in the world is censorship” is also something I believe is complete and utter horseshit. Censorship is when the first ammendment, in a public area, is silenced. To tell someone to restrain themselves in a PRIVATE web site, to step in and shwo someone physically that they are wrong for how they are acting by suspending them or booting them isn’t censorship either – it’s trying to kepe things worthwhile for everyone else.
Cops are supposed to be moderators. Constables of the Peace are supposed to keep crime down, keep the world livable for everyone else… Surely someone can’t complain that they are censoring you if you get arrested for a crime you commit… They broke the law, they infringed on someone else’s life.
Same goes for online chat. Or message board useage. If you break the law or infringe on someone else’s life, someone coming down on you should be expected.
And if moderators don’t have the balls to do it, then they should be canned.
It’s outrageous and ironic that htis is happening with Howard Dean’s campaign. He complains that the beltway boys in Washington won’t step forward and say / do shit against George W. Bush because they don’t want to look like bad guys. It’s the exact same with these nitwits who are overseeing chat. If they won’t step in and do something — why the fuck are they there in the first place? They sure ain’t moderating.
Words that make you call out Poo
It’s funny how I was believing that writing was a salvation from drowning or being destroyed by reality, and i haven’t had the ability to write anything or want to write anything for a while now.
Check the journal, you can see the rants haven’t been there — they’ve been snippets here and there, not much more. In some cases they’ve been a few paragraphs, but the substance? What has the substance been?
Words, feelings, worries, blah blah blah blah blah.
I’m in a rut, no thanks to life as I know it an my health making life shit for me. I’m in a rut even trying to do what I know I am capable of doing. Self doubt, maybe procrastination… they are both stifling what I used to covet.
And of course the lack of creativity right now… The lack of a market… The lack of some push from something or someone special…
I feel like I am oblivion incarnate, or perhaps the embodiment of what is wrong with this world. I need some time – or a vacation from my life, from myself… from my worries and doubts… Maybe I just nee d a trip to Euphoria again? Happiness seems like such a distant land, even though I can find contentment shooting the shit up with some of my friends.
Maybe that’s all I should be relying on now? The little help from my friends when my Friends need a little help from my humor? There’s got to be more to my life though — I couldn’t stay sane with just that alone…. Though I am edging insanity as is.
Missed being wanted
Terra Cassiday: omg, seriously like i was like i need to tell john this, as if like u were one of my deep down true “girlfriends” crazy.. i dont know if i am explaing this all to well
It feels great to be important to someone like that again. Though I know this (what Terra said) is the truth with others out there as well…
Failures
The weekend with my legs totally sucked. I had hurt my ankle on Friday and didn’t know how bad it was until Saturday when I couldn’t walk on it any more. On Sunday I was confined to my room and only able to get up and around again on Monday.
Things seem a lot better today – Tuesday — but Bob, my physical therapist, is telling me that the tumor is really fucking up the works for me and I need to have that removed one way or another.
Yes, I know this — I know it quite well. The problem is the consequences of surgery which is making me delay any decision.
You see, I live at home still because of my medical condition and that house happens to be 2 stories. My friends know this, but for some of my other readers who have been on the site lately, I know you don’t.. This tumor that is screwing up my legs — when it’s removed, may cost my use of my legs, period. That presents a problem for me because my house is not disabled friendly and my parents plan post-op doesn’t work. They want to change the den and laundry room into an apartment (no windows mind you ) for my disabled ass. When I talk about finding an alternative – they seem to think I am bullshitting. I do NOT want to continue living in this house, I do not want to live in a sarcophagus and have it defined as a room. I can’t LEAVE the house when I am in a wheelchair right now because of quirks around the house that make it tough for a wheelchair bound person to move around and get out. I can’t get around the house when I am in a wheelchair because of halls not being wide enough and what not.
And they want me to stay because it’s the simplest answer for them – do something that makes their lives easier while I suffer. “Just as long as you don’t interrupt us smoking our cigarettes and playing our computer games and watching our sitcoms, everything will be fine.” :sad
That’s not the truth – the last few months have proven that not to entirely be the truth but at the same time, it’s a long standing truth that shows up at one point or another. I think accepting their solution is just along the lines of this — “Don’t second guess us — take what we give you and don’t give us grief….even if our solution gives you grief.”
:sad
Deanfilter continued
So I’m continuing to try to help out DeanFilter any way I can today. I’ve been posting on it a good bit and posting the URL on Howard Dean’s Blog along with asking some of my friends form other forums to come check it out…
Or course, that doesn’t always get people to come over… but it’s the attempt that matters.
How WELL do you know me?
OK — you think you know John huh? Well, my friends, here’s your chance to test your knowledge on me! BUAHAHAHAHAHA
Click here to test your knowledge on John
**Edit** December 9th, 2003: I’ve found out this entry on the Journal is so friggin’ popular on the search engines that I re-established the quiz for Shits and giggles and what not… The questions are mostly different but there are a few that are the same.
Lack of comprehension
It really bugs me… not just bugs me – hurts me — when I have someone close to me not able to comprehend what I’m going through with my life and doesn’t seem to open up to try to understand it better.
Who am I talking about? My brother.
You see, Mike decided to get on me because he found out a birthday gift I got him cost a bit of cash.. This is the same guy who gave me an LCD monitor as a gift last year… Him bitching about expensive gifts is the last thing he should be doing. At any rate, he also wanted me to watch the first season of Alias and got on me when he found out I hadn’t been wasting my time watching it all day every day.
He then got on me for my time spent online and told me I really needed to just drop online friends period.
Great, Mike, you hit the nail on the head with something I would love to do. Did you forget that I lost my hearing a few years back and it makes physical conversation difficult (so much so that if you won’t make an attempt to talk to me, why do you think others will)? How about the fact that I don’t have a social job right now, compared to yourself, that gets me out in the open every day? Well, before you harp on me about having a job, how about the fact you see I am a gimp right now and walking around with a walker? Struggling up and down the stairs every day and a god-damned shut in up until I get a wheelchair? Does that, possibly, make any more sense to you why I deal with anyone online instead of going out right now…?
It’s not like I gave up on life… Unlike the man who harped on me for not sitting on my ass and just watching movies all day… No… I try to accomplish with the little bit of ability I have to do stuff (writing, web design). Maybe I talk to people online but it’s not like it’s a wide plethora of people. In fact it’s a closing world of people….
Sorry to whine, sorry to rant, sorry to have the bar at the Pity Party open for business… I just had to vent my frustrations.
To your credit….
“I’ve fucked up, John, I’ve fucked up big time” — where have I heard these words before and how chilling was it to hear them again?
It would seem my friend Melinda has indeed fucked up and fucked up big time with her life and I got to hear all about it yesterday. Mel decided to forge credit card information and get a card in order to get a few things for herself – feminine stuff and “pampering” stuff.
And she got caught..
The sick thing was that when that came up – those around her (family, friends) encouraged her to leave and straighten out her life — which would have led to MORE problems because it’s a flight from prosecution (yes, she’s being prosecuted)
At least she’s facing up to it and staying here, but at the same time – getting herself in this mess to begin with… jeez… I’ve got a habit of meeting people like this…
Another Glimmer Train contest
Poetry.
Anyone who knows me knows I did a good deal of poetry in my time and that I have a collection of some of my favorites on the site . I’ve been encouraged by others to go and have my poetry published and have tried in the past – only to be discouraged.
Well, I’m willing to give it another shot with Glimmer Trains LAST Poetry Contest.. I figure I have two outstanding (no pun intended) submissions with them as is, why not add a third or a fourth.
That’s where YOU come in though.
You see, I could easily submit one of my favorite poems on my poetry page to them, but I don’t know if that would be wise because it’s not the favorite that my friends have. Actually, I’m not sure what people’s favorites are on my poetry page. Give me your thoughts on this, I could use some guidance from people…
Hold Me, Thrill me, Kiss me, Kill me
So I forgot to bring up Thursday Night and what I was up to to keep myself busy but not keep my mind off problems entirely…
Michelle and Josh came around. They had both stopped by during my hospital stint and were a refreshing change of pace from the day to day. We just watched some flicks together and had a good time…
…And up until this movie-watching stint, I didn’t know how GAY the opening of Reservoir Dogs is… :tongue
There we are, sitting and watching the flick (Michelle had never seen it) and Tim Roth is going nuts because he’s been shot in the gut and in a lot of pain… Well, Tim and Harvey Keitel share a few intimate moments as Keitel tries to comfort Roth and Tim (Mr. Orange) ends up telling Harvey (Mr. White / “Larry”) to hold him… And Mr. White starts trying to build up Mr. Orange’s confidence and calm him down by combing Mr. Orange’s hair and asking him “Who’s a tough guy.,..” in a rather serene voice…
The entire fucking movie I am cracking jokes about that when Roth is on screen. “Hold me, Larry! Hold me! I’m a tough guy! I’m a tough guy!” There’s that cop who gets his ear cut off (:puke), Roth wakes up after passing out from blood loss and takes out Mr Blonde…
“Hey… Hey you… What’s your name?”
“Marvin… Marvin Nash…”
“Hold me, Marvin! Hold me! Don’t leave me, Marvin!”
I mean, I apologize to Quentin Tarantino and the guys in this movie because I absolutely love Reservoir Dogs and the work of some of these actors (Tim Roth especially)…. But that is the funniest, most closet homosexual shit I have seen. I started cracking jokes about having a Reservoir Dogs drinking game too. “When ever K-BILLY comes on, you take a drink…. Whenever Mr. Orange says ‘Hold me!’ you take a drink… Whenever Joe acts like an asshole, you take a drink… Whenever someone says ‘Dick’ you take a drink…” (that last word alone would have you drunk before the opening credits)…
We ended up watching Southpark later on and of course my entry on Southpark is up — you can read my take on that.…
At any rate, I got a first hand taste of the sick sorta need of having someone special in your life — well, sorta. I started missing what I have had in the past by watching Josh and Michelle together. It made me long tenderness. I haven’t had it in the past, per se, just someone to imagine it with… even that non-physical experience that I have had, I started longing. Living on the concept of emotion between two people is a very tough thing and I guess that’s one place I had faith… Faith in the emotion and pursuing it any way possible until things finally align so that the physical could be pursued. One way street though…
Getting back to the subject of Thursday… Michelle is determined to have another movie night sometime soon and get me to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Now, I’ve never been a horror buff but then again – when you’re watching movies with friends, you can watch about anything and enjoy it… :smile
It always gets worse before it gets better
Just when I thought things were getting better with me – emotionally at least — I get hit hard with things again.
I hate being right. I hate being considered a know-it-all and dismissed. I hate being brushed off and having to live with the consequences of their decisions.
I’m being obtuse in my explanation what is going on — I was just right when it came to what tumor is causing problems with my legs and if I have the tumor operated on, I would possibly be made wheelchair bound… Not knowing how long or if at all I would ever recover and get out of it.
I thought of some of the dreams I had in the past – some I have shared with others and I realize they are gone — they only exist in my mind and the only place I can live them is in my mind… I don’t know if anyone reading this can comprehend what it feels like to be told by friends not to be negative but have your entire future white washed… Or be told that your life is ahead of you and not know the truth to that statement…
I don’t want pity, but at the same time I don’t want to feel alone even though those around me insist I am not alone — and that they are pulling for me. I know my friends care, I know that my family cares… but at the same time, there’s this void in my soul — something deep down — that exists. It’s the peace I had once in my life, one that I can fill temporarily by getting my mind off things (the writing and my last post on the journal is a good example)… but at the same time, there is only one true escape and one true way to get around this fortress of solitude and it’s looking increasingly impossible that life will afford me this.
Faith
I don’t know if I should be writing about this topic or not because I am not the best guy to go to when it comes to Faith in things. But at the same time I need to at least express my thought son the subject and my own search for it.
Now, what is faith? Faith is a sort of blind trusting of things, letting the chips fall where they may and trusting that they will fall in a way that is OK by you. At the same time Faith is believing that things are going to work out of the best and everything happens for a reason.
I know I have lived life faithless and in a lot of ways I continue to live life that way — think I am the only one in charge of my own destiny and can influence things that are out of my control. I wanted to do what i could in my power to show how much I cared. At other times, I’ve been left so alone that I felt as though no one in the world would put a heavy amount of trust in me, even though friends were laying emotions and thoughts on me. I was looking for someone — I didn’t know who or where or when — who would put some faith in me over things. Someone specific and yet someone I didn’t know.
Faith — I can thank my parents and then myself for abandoning the divine faith… I got out of the habit of going to church at a young age and that was the first seeds of doubt that were laid. When I went to church, I never understood why I was going… Or how I was supposed to pray (was it just wishing?), and I guess I didn’t have the faith then for God to go ahead and show me the way. Going to a religion class on weeknights was sort of the same thing – I was learning what they wanted me to learn but I wasn’t taking it all in and understanding what it was. Maybe I was too young? I like to think that with a lot of things that I started a year before most kids did. I didn’t skip a grade, it was that I started school a year early (pre school and then regular school) and that effected how I did things.
So where am I now with this Faith? In a lot of ways I am lost and yet I am trying to put my faith in some things again. It’s difficult because I want to be the one in control or do what I can to influence an outcome and yet I should show enough faith in people to realize that it’s their choice and their decision how things go and I know they have made the right decisions more times than not and I should trust their judgment. I don’t, however, want to express that faith in the government, who does things beyond my control and makes decisions that I do not endorse. I have control over my government and yet as a member of the US — I am dependent on others having a like mind on things. Instead of doing that, they show that blind faith more times than not and it’s not good for the world. Faith in religion and faith in government are two separate things.
Faith in people is entirely different and yet so much the same I can’t even comprehend.
Right now I need to show more faith than I ever have in this life and at the same time — my faith is really balancing on the edge of a blade. Part of me wants to believe that things happen for a reason and that they fall where they may because something leads to something else… (see Signs ) And yet at the same time, if things don’t work out a certain way, all faith might be lost. All beliefs that I should put faith in people’s hearts and their decisions will be thrown to the curb. I feel like a dick because of this – who am I to stand up and try to make my own personal wants what come to pass? At the same time, knowing how I would be (and this is a pun it would seem) faithful makes me really want to push because I don’t want anyone to lose out on something.
Faith — the faithless heathen that I am wants it, and the manipulative bastard that I am will only keep it if things work out a certain way. I’m sorry, God, that I’m like this. I’m sorry to the world that someone with a big heart can’t show trust in the way things will work out…
Small Town Clique
Hey..it’s Sarah again…I just need to blow some steam tonight, so I’m very greatful to John to allow me to write on here when I want. Thank you John. So…here’s my steam..
I spent my entire childhood and teen years dealing with cliques. There were the popular girls, the smart-suck-up girls, the drug addicts, and then there was my group…the somewhat unpopular people who stuck together because with out each other, we had no one.
In sixth grade I started hanging out wiht the smart-suck-up girls. It was the year from hell. I was the butt of the jokes, the one being laughed at, the one forced to sit at the other half of the table when there wasn’t room for everyone to sit on one half. I hated it, and it didn’t take me long to decide not to hang out with them anymore. I felt like shit though…because I had made fun of the people who were my friends before because I thought I was better..I had moved up in the chain of popularity. But I went back to this group, and never left them out again.
I hated the cliques of middle school, and they were still very prevalent my senior year of high school. The good thing was that we all started to get along in high school, because we left the petty things behind. I thought I’d be able to leave the pettiness and cliques of my home town in the dust and be able to form new relationships with many people…and hang out with them all, not having a clique of my own or others to worry about.
I was wrong. I went to lunch today with three girls from my floor…I hardly know two of them, but they are truly nice people, like the third girl that I’ve known since she moved in. One offered to get me a drink, another recommended trying a dessert…they were nice people that I didn’t expect to be nice people.
Then for dinner I went with three people who I know very well. My roommate, Katrina, and Jozie. My roommate and I get along pretty well, so I was thinking. We haven’t fought, nor has she shown any sign of a problem with me. Katrina’s ok…kind of judgemental as I’ve gathered. Then there’s Jozie, who I haven’t had a warm feeling from since I met her. She never seems to want to talk to me..and when she does talk to me, she’s always short and snappy. So I was the last to sit down to eat, and when I sat down they were talking about going somewhere tonight (last night since it’s after midnight now), and then the conversation stopped.
They talked about a lot of things, but didn’t really include me in the conversation..and when I tried to speak up, someone interrupted me…no one laughed if I said something that i expected would be funny. On the way back, they kind of asked each other if they were going to take showers and what not, and when we into the dorm (it’s about 50 steps to get inside) there’s two stair cases, the first goes only to the 1st level, and the second goes all the way down here. Katrina, Mary and I live on the lowest level. Jozie asked if they were coming to her room, and they all went. Feeling enough of a “third” wheel (though I was indeed the fourth person), I said I was going to go down here right away.
And off they went. I went into my friend Louise’s room to see what she was doing, and about 45 minutes later, went to my room to drop off my keys and id in the room. There’s Mary and Jozie all ready to go out… They never asked if I wanted to go..never acted like they wanted me to go…and I didn’t want to go with them anyway. Not after they had treated me like shit at dinner.
What pisses me off is that I’m going to be the one to hear all about it tomorrow (today…time thing), and how much fun they had…and frankly I want to rub their nose in it. That’s how I felt in 6th grade. And in 6th grade, I just changed my group of friends.
It’s not so easy to do, though, when you don’t have people around to catch your back when you fall…When you have no history with people and they already have their friends that they hang out with…
It really feels shitty…much like reliving 6th grade all over again.
My old "buddies" strike again
Well, well, well… So much as for writing an entry about faith in this space at this time… Something else came up and I thought it was worthy of a posting. I have some old friends that are in the news again and up to their old antics.
“Old friends” you ask? Surely you have heard of the law firm Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal before, haven’t you? No? Honestly not? If I told you they are the firm representing the most influential pop band of the 20th century, maybe you would get a clearer picture of who they are?
The Beatles / apple Corp Ltd’s lawyers.
Apple Corp LTD — founded by John, Paul, George and Ringo all those years ago after the death of Brian Epstein (their manager) — has sued Apple Computers over trademark infringement which makes me wonder just what the hell those lawyers do in their spare time. “Lets go ahead and shake up the industry as much as we can because, damnit, we have clients that are worth billions and we should have a piece of the pie.”
Why do I care? Anyone close to me should know that is a very silly question… I, after all, have already been under the wrath of this very law firm and Apple Corp LTD. Everyone close to me knows this and any constant reader probably would have heard me bellyache already about this. I just find it sick – and sad – where the corporate embodiment of four guys who preached the dreams of life, would try to pinch pennies and make up millions upon millions of dollars by nit-picking issues with a company that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
There’s no mistaking Apple Corp LTD. and Apple Computers… I guess Lawyers just sit around and try to find out where else they can go to get more money through legal fees.
Just Dean-dy
I’ll try to get another entry in before midnight but I make no promises. My day has been short and mostly uneventful sans medical problems and conversations…
I wanted to spread The Word. No, John still hasn’t found religion or Faith (note to self – that is what you should write about later, faith) but something more important (he he) for the United States in General:
I’m talking Howard Dean.
Some of you may or may not know that I fully support Doctor Howard Dean, former Governor of Vermont, for President of the United States. .The questions that might come to ones mind over this range from:
“Don’t you have anything better to do?”
“Howard Who?”
“Get a haircut you god damned hippie!”
“John, you were awfully negative with the first three quotes, can you lighten up?”
” What’s wrong with the guy in office now?”
“What’s wrong with these other candidates?”
“Why do you care now, months away from the first primaries?”
Well, to forgo some of the silly questions — I care now about the guys who are running for president because i6t’s important to have the strongest candidate to face George W. Bush for the sake of this nation. Getting involved now and latching on to the guy who has come out as the best candidate is what I have done — I’ve been on-board with Dean since early this summer.
What’s wrong with the other candidates? Well, unless you haven’t been paying attention (and most Americans haven’t), there is no passion from most of the Presidential candidates. John Kerry — US Senator – reminds me of a ghost even though he has credentials and an aristocrat background that might get him far. Almost all the candidates were pro-Iraqi-War while Bob Graham and Dean were against it from the get go. Guys like AL Sharpton, Caroline Mosely-Braun and Dennis Kucinech
But what makes Dean special, you ask? There’s just something with the Doctor that makes me think America can get back to where it was before Dubya screwed it up – making us a tyrant of the world (note – we’ve been tyrants for a lot longer than the Bush administration, but its been more acute under this regime). I believe Howard Dean can both resurrect the failed US economy, stop the corporate insanity as well as improve life for citizens across the country much better than anyone else.
Want to find out more? If you are on the Internet — it’s the greatest place to find out about Howard Dean. Seeing you are on my web site – you have got to be on the Internet so — hot shit! You can find out more! Check out Blog for America for reports from the Dean campaign itself.
Going to cut this short – talking to old friends.
Anecdotes from a hospital-based boytoy
Ah, the journal… Now if only I could start writing like a human being again. I’ve found out that I am typing mistakes more often and using incomplete sentences more often because I’ve been stuck on the T900 pager the last week and keeping things tied into my friends online through that.
There’s so much I can say here and so much I want to say – stuff still going on and stuff that I want to talk about to specific people but the time isn’t right.
My hospital stay started with a bang – well not really, it was more like an “Oh shit!” when I forced myself to look at the clock besides my bed and see that it was 6 Am. I was due at the hospital at 5:45… Crap. I jumped, got dressed and got the hell out of dodge… Didn’t get tied up in traffic and actually got to the Hospital before my scheduled operation time… Not just that, was only a few minutes late going into the OR.
Was it scary? Going under the knife is always scary but it wasn’t scary like last year. There was something still sitting with me that was scarier and I was trying to accept things as moving on because of it. O course, waking up and having a mask put on me again didn’t make me feel comfortable either but then again – blacking out and waking up in post-op was about what I expected next.
Though I did dream. Of what, I don’t recall, but I am certain I dreamt this time I was under. I don’t usually dream. Last time I dreamt anything, it was of green clouds during my first operation.
ANYWAY, I wake up in the Post-op/recovery center and I’m watching the clock, of all things, because I was hoping to catch someone on a TV Talk show at 12:30. Of course it’s around 2 at the time and my priorities are out of whack but then again – I guess this also showed my confidence now. Oh sure, I was in pain, I was in a neck brace, and I had little movement in my legs (Muscle relaxants) but I was ready to start recovery.
I’ll tell more soon, other things take precedence now – like sleep.
Día Aburrido
It’s friday night and I’m sitting in my dorm room doing nothing. That’s really pathetic as some of you may know from going to college. Today has been eventful enough for me, though. I have a really sore throat, I’ve been sneezing, and I think I just need to slow the pace down a bit.
The day was rather uneventful. Once again, Spanish brought the hilight of my day. We talked a lot, so my throat started to hurt, but after class I had my first one-on-one encounter with a college guy. He was in my small group for the class period, and we were talking about different stuff in spanish..and when we’d have class next. “See ya on Tuesday!” he said. Yeah, so I felt good. Senior named Stew. Nice guy.
I’m not going to jump to conclusions and say that he’s in love with me or anything like that. He asked me about our Spanish Lab that he missed. He wanted to know what we did and if attendance was taken. That’s all that really matters to most students. Anyway, after last night, I think I’d come off really wishy-washy if I drooled all over this guy I hardly know. He was really nothing to drool over anyway.
Damn..I just sneezed again. This really sucks. I think I’m going to call it a night (at least for the journal entry thing) and go chat with some people online tonight. I’m trying to keep to myself in my dorm, so I don’t infect others. Plus a lot of people have left for the long weekend, and those left went out tonight. Not many around to converse with.
John should be back tomorrow, I believe..we’ll see. He says he’s doing well, and “site traffic will return to normal levels without your presence on the site.” Does that mean they’ve dropped or they’ve gone up, and will return to normal?? Why don’t you let me know and leave a comment or two, so I know how many people are actually reading this. It’d be really cool…plus it’d make John a little jealous I think…lol. Not that I want to, but I think he has a really nice site that not many get to see. So tell your friends! I look forward to hearing from you!
Beautiful Day
Ever have a day so wonderful you didn’t and couldn’t let go of it? Ever wish you could live it again and again? Prom was always one of those days for me..or the weekend of homecoming. The energy is so positive all around you, you get to dress up, and you feel so beautiful and important. Yesterday was one of those days for me. Except it didn’t start lovely..nothing that big even happened.
What started this awesome day was a workout at about 1:20 yesterday. I ran and walked with a friend from my floor for about an hour, and afterwards I was refreshed by a shower. It was a nice cool shower that washed the heat away. I pulled my hair back into a low, parted ponytail and finished up my writing for all of you in cyber space. I was nearly late (so I thought) for my Spanish class, but I got there plenty early.
Spanish class is so much fun for me…I love the sound of hearing any foreign language, especially Spanish. More importantly, I love to hear myself speak in Spanish when I’m having a good day with an accent. In class we talked about all kinds of things…boyfriends, girlfriends, painters, writers, books, heroes, and anything else that came up. It was all in Spanish. This was much like my Spanish classes at my high school. I came out of that class with a smile on my face, and suddenly this spark of energy and happiness that had no end. I hurried back to my dorm to share my happiness with everyone.
Many people couldn’t believe how peppy I was just because of my Spanish class. It was as if I were high on something (but I don’t do that sort of thing so believe me, I wasn’t). I smiled and laughed so much with my friends that my cheeks actually hurt. My roommate and I finally got to talking about ourselves a little deeper and now I see how much I really like her. Everything just seemed to click.
Last night I couldn’t sleep because I was still in such a good mood. Mary (my roommate) had the Dave Matthews and Tim Reynold’s Live at Luther CD and we were listening to that before we went to bed. The cd is completely laid back and awesome, exactly how I felt that day. Dave Matthews Band is my favorite one out there…if you’re a fan, let me know…we need to chat sometime.
Finally at 12:45 AM I had to draw things to a close. I had my 8 AM today and I needed to get some sleep. I only hope that today will be half of the day I had yesterday.
Downed
T minus a day and a matter of hours.
I ranted to a few people today about how I am right now and I really came to the clear realization I don’t like focusing on myself. I mean, I’ve been called selfish when I’m being a pain in the ass but I’m high strung with certain things — picky-choosy. That’s not being selfish. Being selfish is doling out one’s life over and over again and making yourself the subject of items. I don’t like to do that when I have bad news to share, I’d rather share the positives and we all know things aren’t exactly positive for me right now. Then again, i can share my negatives when I know I’m truly SHARING with someone and it isn’t just a casual relationship.
I also need something to prop me up, I guess, emotionally. Fluff my ego and all that. Friends have wanted to help me out if they can but there’s not much one can do to help. Some have said “I wish I could take away your problems” — that’s likewise. Others can just agree that things suck right now and get brash on the fact I’m down… While others ignore it, maybe it’ll go away?
A venerable cornucopia of reactions to a NF2 patient who’s about to have an operation on his spine.
In other news, I forgot to tell you all that Lou got back to me with lesson four and….
Loved it!
Oh, yeah, I still need to work on things. For all of my reviewing of the story (previously published on this site, “Thank god for Arthur” and my editing down of the story, it still had a few flaws, but it really came out good. I need to be more clear with italics (I tried a technique some authors use with italicizing personal thoughts, which was a no no),and get more comfortable with dialogue (I’m actually comfortable with it, it’s grammar around dialogue and quotes that I need to work on) but all in all…
“Mavelous, dahling!”
Any requests to see the finished product?
Beddy Bye
Well, today’s moving day for thousands — if not millions — of teens and young adults as they go out to college and start their higher education career and a new life in general. Tonight for some (such as a few friends of mine — Terrable, Sarah) are sleeping in their own beds for the last time for weeks or months.
Actually, it’s their last night to be able to use the term “my own bed” period. As of tomorrow – it’s not your bed any more. Does that sound odd? Or feel odd? It’s not supposed to, I’m not trying to put a scare into anyone, but tomorrow is end of one part of your life that they’ve known and the beginning of another. Where home will not feel the same in the not-too-distant future when they return there, and their bed – though comfortable compared to what they had in the past — just doesn’t feel the same for one reason or another.
It’s not your own bed any more. It used to be your bed, alas, no more. Your bed is in your apartment or the one in your dorm. Some day it’ll be something else when you further move out on your own to some place and time that isn’t the here and now. It’s lonely thinking of this in some ways and it’s torture in others… It’s moving on from the past and striving forward into the future.
But as all that moving forward is going, I’m going to go sleep in my own bed tonight and crumble up in my comforter as I have for the past 13 years and find slumber while tucked among my pillows. It’s the one familiar in my life — the one constant… Maybe that’s been the same for you and your bed? Whatever it is, there’s no place like home… And when you’re home, there’s no place like that specific spot you’ve been sleeping
For now my heart is going to go get snuggled cozily into my own bed. It might be too small, it may be aging, it does have a smell — but it’s my little piece of heaven. It’s the one place on earth I only want to share with special persons (heh, tell that to my parents for every time they took a seat on my bed when I was sick and nagged me to move so they could sit on the mattress), it’s the only place in the world I’m guaranteed solitude. It’s the only place in the world where my mind can run un-bridled with dreams.
It’s beddy bye time. And whenever that moment comes around for everyone else, I’m hoping they can find just as much comfort and peace in their beds – wherever they may be – as I find in mine.
Questions in the Dark
For an audience of one:
How was the show Wednesday night? Certain friends told me about it a few weeks ago….
Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days
It was a year ago today that J.P. Fontana got some press today
And though he is pretty much out of style, he tries his best to raise a smile
I got up this morning and was reading the paper – Sunday edition of the St. Petersburg Times — like I normally would when it hit me that it was this Sunday last year that I got a little press over a situation that was going on with me and Apple Corp. LTD.
I’ve been making mention of it being a year later and they can’t quite believe it’s been a year since that happened. Hell, neither can I. I’m trying to think back a year ago and in a lot of ways I think I was better off then than I am now — I was scared but I was also determined to try to cause a ruckus over the whole thing. Scared — more because of surgery that was facing me than because of the whole fight. I was intimidated and I felt alone quite a good bit. I didn’t have the support of my family (note my other journal entries and any reference to my father and his lack-of-sticking-his-neck-out). I did have the support of my friends for the most part… And that meant a lot to me.
And the fans, there is no way in hell that i can forget the fans. I was just a faceless-name to some of them. I mean, you gotta figure unless you meet someone in person that the only way they can perceive you is in two dimensions… At the same time, they were the reason I was putting up a fight in the first place and having the positive feedback I was getting was the reason I battled on to just try to attract attention to the situation. How could I just give in? Countless fans across the Internet could be subjected to some of the Corporate Terrorism like I was subjected to… I mean, the RIAA is doing that just now – terrorizing the fans.
So here I sit, 365 days after the events that transpired to give me a name and yet I’m no farther down the road than I was then. Not more recognized (though I have had some friends tell me they have read my story or heard about my plight — Lou Fisher heard about it in Fishkill, New York — reading it in the paper last year or what not) and yet back down a path I wanted to venture last year when I was telling Jeanne Malmgren about my plight… No, that wasn’t where I decided I wanted to write again, it was just an event that inspired me.
So what’s my inspiration now?
I’ve got the Stonegauge on line and it’s been there since last July… It’s got a trickle of web traffic compared to Beatlelyrics.com — though LennonLad is still taking in some 90-150 visitors a day, and Abolish the Designated Hitter takes in 5-20 visitors at any given time — but I am still kicking on the web.
Yet the web isn’t my inspiration… That’s not what’s driving me right now – not web recognition… Though I’d like it… I’d like to be bigger than I though I was in my brief and glimmering 15 minutes of fame last year. That part of me still exists. In fact, I’m happy to report the angry, angst ridden son-of-a-bitch is still out there right now. I won’t say I want the world but damnit – I’m not sitting back and waiting for things. Sure, I’ve got problems in front of me. Yeah, I’ve got problems that are pinning my emotions, but fer Christ’s sake — if I have any say on the direction of where I go from here, I’ll tell you that you ain’t seen nothing yet. I’ve been hurt — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been put down — I’ll keep trying. I’ve been stopped — I’ll keep fighting.
Well, just as long as I control my fate. When it’s taken out of my hands (medical stuff) there’s not much I can do… But I’ll leave it up to the Fates to tie me down or set me free.
It’s now the 4th of August. The official date the above mentioned article was published… and this little rant is now published as well.
Dwelling and Moving on
Sometimes, sosmething or someone pains me. All my close friends know that I’m sensitive about shit and what not… They also know I tend to dwell and that bothers them. That bothers me in some ways looking at it long and hard.
Some of the poetry on this very site I wrote while dwelling on the good and the bad, the wants and the hurt with people. Dwelling leads to a lot of inspiration for these works, which is a good thing (not saying I want to be hurt, because I’d prefer the dream, but I actually thought it would be better for my writing being hurt again… That note is for the Eerie out there if they’re reading)…. But dwelling seems to be bothering a lot of people and myself included.
Time heals all wounds… Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and get the fuck over it and all that jazz… it just doesn’t work with me.
I dwell on details with people, I dwell on the feeling, the emotion, the pain — or even the euphoria when I feel it. The happiness… but it’s with who I’m feeling those things with that I dwell on – not the events specifically. I could name five events where I got hurt badly emotionally but I couldn’t tell you specifically when I last went hysterical laughing with someone I cared for, or 5 specific times i made someone lose control of themselves with making them happy or laugh or whatever. (ah, memories – i can think of one specific instance off the top of my head).
Actually that’s not quite the truth – it’s just the negative comes out easier than the positive… The negative leaves a more lasting impact than the positive. That’s human nature though. There are plenty of instances that enjoyment / mutual laughter I have had with friends and family but those don’t stand out as monuments so much as negative things. I can think of positive things that stand out as monuments with people but those monuments are faulty idols now from a long-extinct tribes of the world, or so it feels.
I don’t want to dwell on the negative things I could think, I want to move on, I want to move away… Yet, how? How can I?
At the same time I don’t want to hurt anyone trying to get my own personal escape and move on through another, only to toss them away when I’m over things. I’d rather carry my pain than bestow it on another person. I’m “messed up” like that… I care where other people say they don’t.
I care too much, for god sake… I talk to a friend off and on all day yesterday and today and I feel funky, if not upset, when I find out she’s got a guy friend over her place? Why do I take it so personal? Just my own selfishness? My own idealistic dream that someone woudl want to hang out with me?
I don’t want to be aloof in life. I don’t want to close off my heart to everyone except a select few… Yet I don’t want to carry un-needed burdens like this.
For the record, I don’t think I did when I was truly happy — but right now I’m not, and I don’t know how to get there from here.
It was over 365 days ago today….
You know what? It’s been a year (physically and on the calender) since I Had a jarring event in my life — very jarring in fact. Something that shook me and also sort of encouraged me becuase I played with the big boys and I stood my ground (at least for a while) until retreating.
The whole Beatle Lyrics and Album Covers fiasco.
Like the article says, I actually was sorta giddy when I got the legal threat – it was like the ultimate adoration that a fan could get… I mean, imitation and plagerism are forms of flattery… I took their complaints as flattering because www.beatlelyrics.com was the biggest and best of the fan sites that were operated on the net at the time.
Was. Past tense.
So as it’s late and I should really get to bed, I pay homage to Beatlelyrics.com and to all the fans that supported me through that fiasco.
In My Life (Lennon/McCartney)
There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them allBut of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you moreThough I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more
*Sigh* I miss the fans. I miss the fun of maintaining that site, but alas – it’s the past. Always will be a part of me though.
So will those who helped me get through this time when things were tense.
Positives and Negatives
I started out yesterday just going through the motions on things – it progressively got better until I went off on Bill but in a constructive manner… Telling him he needs to stop talking / focusing on the negatives so much and find a positive and look forward to a positive in life. And things just felt GOOD after that rant.
I figured that was exactly what I needed as well – focus on the positives and not the negatives, because God knows I am surrounded by enough negatives as is. Of course my mind didn’t become a total disaster until my one major positive turned into a major negative for me but that is besides the point a bit.
Actually it’s not besides the point… but it’s an unacknowledged fact from the positive.
Anyway, back to what I was saying, things went good for the most part yesterday after I ranted to BIll. I was happy with my writing – I sent out notes to everyone asking them to read some stories and get back to me because I needed input and I haven’t heard back from anyone — that’s a negative. In fact, there are certain people I haven’t heard back from after asking them quesitons and projecting an image that I am too interested in them and not just looking to be friends – that’s another negative (and a very big one at that). My self esteem is wavering because of stuff like this. I could be doing much better if people would realize what they do – the most mundane stuff – does effect others.
SO right now I am down, nursing a Mike’s Hard Ice Tea and trying my best to stay awake. I took my time getting this entry up because I found a cartoon that really told the tale of my heart right now but at the same time I don’t have permission to repost this cartoon and I won’t (because I am such a nice guy) until I do.
Tomorrow is… Well, tomorrow is something to me that dwells on the heartbreak. More then.
Stumblin' on a Neon Grove
I’m really struggling right now personally. The soul-sickness is just progressively getting worse instead of getting better. I had felt better a few weeks ago after I had identified the problem and I had other people come back into my life in minor ways here and there and things seemed to be getting back to normal.
Then others reared there head without thinking I needed time and distance from them and the whole deck of cards came crumbling down because of it. My last entry closes out by saying exactly why the deck of cards fell. Time heals wounds and I wasn’t afforded time, so to speak.
And now nothing feels right in the world again. Nothing at all. People don’t get back to me, people don’t want to open up. The entire world has gone conservative besides those who can afford to open their heart – those who never truly left my life and are comfortable with me being a part of it because they have security around them and they want me secure too.
So I wake up in the morning right now and I don’t see a reason to get out of bed — maybe my set routine of reading the newspaper or taking a shower ends up doing it — but I struggle from that point on. I’ve reached out to friends, strangers and others in the past few weeks but I still feel hollow inside, a hole in my soul if you will. I keep expecting something to come up and distract me from all of this – something I can invest myself in that doesn’t require me to dwell on my thoughts as my writing does, and that investment of time and thought cure me of what ills me… Yet that does not happened. Target talked about wanting me back when they fired me but they have not acted like it, my limbs are too weak right now for me to do work anyway (and that is an entirely different story).
I feel like I ought to close up shop — no one in or out of my life unless they are attempting to reach me, not me pouring out my heart and soul to others like I have done. I spent hours last night trying to get into someone’s head and help them out but… It just bummed me out at the same time. I brought this person up in an entry called Seeing Past Yourself last month… And unfortunately no one seems to be able to do that – see past your own personal wants and own personal logic and look from someone else’s shoes and try to understand them and try to comfort them.
I don’t hold out hope for the human race as it stands right now – i always had such a longing desire to see Man overcome it’s weaknesses and selfishness and thrive to better everyone on the planet… Instead, we want to be paid, fed and fucked… And that just continues the stumbling of my head and heart on the neon groves.
Wake Up Call
Friends stick it through. You might not agree with them, you might have things materialize that you don’t agree with, you may move away from them (or vice versa) but they stick it through and show up over and over in your life (unless you push them out or abuse things). My early morning wakeup call reminded me of that.
I was woken up by my father while I was in the midst of some dream I can’t remember and ws told that Leah Kennett was here. Now I am groggy, I am sporting bed head and I am in boxer shorts but I hop out of bed and get dressed and then hop downstairs to see an old friend and shoot the breeze for a while.
It was good to talk to someone and get my mind off things, surely I would have woken up in the crapper – I had already done so too many times the past few weeks thinking about thing sin general. Leah’s mostly the same as she was when I used to hang out with her — except she was getting over minor surgery on the inside of her thigh and that felt like a positive to be honest — first time she could comprehend some of the shit I had been going through for the past few years. We just talked from one subject to the other, wheeling and dealing. I didn’t touch the subject of her boyfriend much because I honestly don’t know shit about the guy.
2 hours later she hobbled to her car and drove off to a destination unknown to this writer. Just the same, I’ll see her when I see her again, because I know I will down the road.
I don’t think I mentioned the blackout on Friday Night while a storm front rumbled through the area. It was quite a change of pace here to have no electricity and I found it pleasant to be honest. Candles were lit everything was pitch black for as far as I could see besides the cars passing on the highway behind my house. Of course Dad soon found annoyance in me being a conversationalist… Ho hum, better luck next time. 45 Minutes was all the blackout lasted and I really wish it stayed around much longer — it was quite surreal being thrown back life without the internet, without TV, etc.
Worlds Of Wonder
I’m writing this entry through Notepad right now because I’m not able to access my web site and update it — damn Digital Zones, fix the fucking thing already! (UPDATE — 8:41 PM as I write this and they are STILL down!
UPDATE 2 — 5:57 Tuesday — FINALLY back up and running )
I’m not feeling so great right now because my chest feels like it’s exploding… Every time I make progress with moving on, I regress a few hours later because of one thing or another. Hmphf, go figure.
I didn’t update things yesterday (insert shocked expression here) because I was waiting for something – anything – online and instead of that happening, I took some allergy medicine after I started feeling very ill and was stoned/out by 10 PM. Seeing I’ve been getting up extremely early and not getting to sleep until 3 lately, it probably was a good thing that I hit the sheets a bit early.
Yesterday I spent the early part of the day sunning myself at the neighborhood pool (that’s telling you how bad the condition of my own pool/porch are) and got righteously burnt with grotesque burn lines from my tank top to prove it. Something tells me that I am going to have to start remembering to use tanning oil :p .
On the way back from the pool I started wondering about some people that were part of my past and if I should bring them up here on the site — knowing that the Search Engines will end up crawling this page and their names will be indexed and they will be able to find this page (them or their relatives ) and realize someone who they may or may not remember was speaking about them and may or may not want to hear from me in the first place.
This is sort of a collective Where Are They Now but without the glory and gifts for those who take part in the program.
Let’s start with the one who lived closest to me who disappeared when 1) she graduated and 2) her mom left her step dad who still lives down the block from me: Lisa LaCasse. Lisa and me were in the same school from 5th grade onward and the last memory that shines through it all is me being a dick and giving her a “body glove” without thinking about her having whip-lash (senior year of HS). If it makes you feel any better, Lisa, I had a neck operation last year and I went through the same hell you experienced. It’s also worth bringing up that there were plenty of rumors (ok, not so much rumors as your sister and her friends screaming it at me when I rode down the block one time) that you had a crush on me at one point or another — it was probably for the best that nothing ever materialized with that because A) I was a coward at the time and B) I was insecure and both affected how I dealt with girls I met.
Next girl who I need to bring up is someone who I admittedly had an interest in during HS at one point but things got torn apart after we moved up from 11th grade — Jen Wertenberger (which I probably spelled wrong . I haven’t seen hide nor hair of Jen since — I can’t even remember. I did see her friends at Target one time and thought she might be with them but I didn’t see her if she was. Jen was a good friend and I was a smart ass and a dick when I was hanging out with her, and the same insecure coward I talked about above.
Now, the next name on the list is one that my friends hear one time or another usually when I confess my past and I am arguing with myself whether to mention her here or not… Ok, I’ll do it: Jill Clawser. There, I said it… Someone lock me up! I was so obsessed with Jill during 10th grade and much of HS but I was so scared to step forward and so insecure to tell her how I felt… Probably for the best, of course, everything happens for a reason or so I once was told by a very wise person. Jill dropped out from HS her senior year, I saw her a few times at Spencer’s Gifts and one time at Target on a passing chance but then – nothing. I had a web page up in my Pictures section asking “Where are they now” and her aunt came across the picture — ma’am, if you find this, I was sort of terrified someone actually responded to the inquiry about Jill and I didn’t know how to tell you that I can’t hear so well so I couldn’t use the phone and call her if you got her number.
There’s someone else I was close to online that has disappeared entirely because I know her life went in a different direction than mine and was always a good bit different than mine, she was someone I needed in my life as my friend in a very trying time in my life (right after I went deaf) and I value her being there for me till this day. Tiffany O’Neal of Jackson, Mississippi. Me and Tiff used to talk on AOL and later on AOL IM for hours every morning before she went to school… I got to know her and her friends that she lived with, Jill Brown and Thomas Hood. I’m wondering what-up with all of you? Last thing I heard from Jill was that Tiffany had entered the Navy? Maybe, maybe not… I can’t be certain. It was so long ago….
Memories…. from the corner of my mind….
Of course I could post about other people in here that I used to be interested in or friends with but it’s for the best that I don’t. Besides, this feels like I have been rambling for hours even though it might have been only 10 minutes. I’m much calmer than I was when I started this thing.
I’m really getting antsy though — I want access to my web site back so I can get this update up!
Oh yeah, kiddies, I’m getting Mike’s kick ass computer system as he is getting a new machine any day/hour/minute/second now…. I’ve cleaned out most of my files/pictures/movies/applications on this system so far and am ready to just format the hard drive and re-install XP before I venture off into my new machine….
* Time entry was written
Heavenly Shades of Bombs are Falling / Limbo Time!
I don’t get on people for being spoiled very much – though I think of myself as spoiled in a lot of ways… That’s helped along mostly because I am a pain in the ass and I act like a pain in the ass until I get my way… (current situations are proof positive). There are only a few times where I complain about others being spoiled and I happened upon one of them tonight.
Now, one of my friends goes to private school and they are approaching Spring Break rather fast now. Their private school has a trip set up for the senior class — a trip to Hungary — for Spring Break. That’s quite a senior trip now, ain’t it? I didn’t have one going to public school – I don’t recall anything as special offered from the school to the students.
Now there’s a little situation in Iraq, maybe you heard of it? :rolleyes Just like 9-11, things got changed by that little situation and the trip quote may endquote be off for these kids. Lets see – international crisis that we get to watch through the TV, Europeans and the rest of the world tiring of US arrogance in dealing with the rest of the world, anti-American sentiment spreading… Hmmm, do you think it’s time to cancel that trip to Hungary for safety sake?
So my friend is upset that the trip quote may endquote because of this slight situation in Iraq. I got upset at my friend because they seemed to be oblivious to the situation at hand. I think a lot of Americans are – we have the luxury of being in homes that are wired to the core and news stations beaming us the latest briefings and updates – they also have been avoiding showing us much of the anti-American sentiment abroad and the censors, of course, have also done there job of preventing that from coming to light…. It appears safe from our side of the pond but is it safe?
Going to Europe right now for anyone is a risky proposition and canceling this trip for safety sake is needed. I know it’s a class trip, but it’s really just a HS class trip. There have been plenty of other events in HS that were enjoyed with the senior class. Getting upset over this trip being nixed, though understandable, seems kind of pompous and arrogant and dismissive of the dangers that lurk out there right now and the risk…
Changing subjects I’m in limbo still and I’m feeling better than I have in a while – I’m also in need of some cash more than I have been in a while… I don’t know if I am going to keep feeling ok the next few days/weeks but I do need to find something to do to cover costs. Unfortunately I’m a bit picky at what I do and I’m also a bit clueless as to where to look – where should a hearing impaired guy go to find work? I lucked out with Target back in October when they hired me, but that was just before the busiest season of shopping… There are certain jobs that I think of as “beneath me” but at the same time I don’t even know how long I would be at any given job before …. snip snip.
As for the war – I’m getting sick of all the coverage and how much attention me and my family are paying it. It’s like watching a car wreck – you can’t turn away.
Segway to where?
This time last year, or just about this time last year, there was an invention that got people (myself) really interested in just what the hell it was. It was an invention that had been talked about a year previously and people actively pondered just what it was – up until it was revealed just what it was.
It was a scooter – the Segway was born.
The reaction to the unveiling of the Segway HT was a mixed bag from some people after hearing such hype as “It will revolutionize life” and “people will build cities around it” from types such as Steve Jobs and the creator of Amazon . ‘It’s a scooter? That’s it?” “Man, that actually makes sense… what an idea…”
The Segway was designed specifically for urban living and work conditions – you don’t need an SUV to go to the corner convenience store for a pack of cigarettes. You don’t want to walk 15 blocks to the proper subway station to catch a ride uptown… You don’t want to walk the 2 and a half miles from your house to shopping in the hot hot sun and yet you don’t want to pay extra fees for parking.
That’s where Segway came in.
Do we REALLY need cars in our major cities (New York, San Francisco are the first two towns I think of)? And yet how much do we need to depend on something that works much like our own two feet?
I’m in suburbia and I STILL want one of these things. I am not allowed to drive and can use a mode of transportation that is both powered and faster than my slow amble. I need to commute to work (2 miles away) shopping (2 miles or more – depending on where I go), and other places by myself. I want independence. As someone who doesn’t have a license and can’t get one, the Segway would provide a good deal of help. Of course, a bike could arguably do the same job….
That’s the argument for and against Segway…. We have bikes and mopeds and skateboards and golf carts that were made for certain modes of transportation. The Segway is going to cost a pretty penny for pedestrians and they need an original way of saying “This is what you want and not the other stuff.”
OK that’s my rant…. Even though it doesn’t seem to have a point :tongue
My brother Andrew has his friend over today – someone I used to be good friends with but fell out of favor with over the years. I always used to wonder what this guy did on Sunday’s because he was never available for stuff. Football. Lots and lots of football, it seems because he’s been glued to our set since 1 :tongue.
Then again, I usually am like that :wink
Crap Unadulterated
Hello my pretties… **laughs of pure evil ensue** 😈
So today was crap. Not just regular crap, but pure, unadulterated crap. The type of crap that will just keep you awake at night when you want to roll over and go to sleep. The kind of crap that will plague a long car trip between point A and point B, causing a 2 hour trip to span 4 hours due to time taken at rest stops in order to let the Crap have it’s way with you.
Yes, Crap rued the day.
Fanhome was giving all 1400+ users on the site a load of crap. The pages were slow, the loading was bothersome. I couldn’t find out if anyone was trying to fix the problem so I threw my hands up in disgust and left the site. The trade deadline in Baseball, which caused the huge influx of users today by the way, didn’t even have anything eventful happen with it! Worst trade deadline I can remember… Nothing happened!
While all this was going on (with FanHome) I ran into a girl on Yahoo messenger from Tarpon. She seemed really interested in having a relationship with someone – no I don’t mean just meeting someone and hooking up, I mean she put a note that she wanted something serious and a the M word on her page… The M word is taboo when you are just trying to meet a guy, Ladies. We all know that you want it in the end and (some of us) are happy to oblige but while you are searching for a man, don’t throw out the M word. I’ve met too many girls that wanted to get hitched lickety split and ended up regretting getting involved with the guy in question.
And for the record, I ended up mentioning I had a hearing impairment and I didn’t have another word spoken to me from said girl :-p .
*Sigh* No word from Sonnenschein, Nath and Rosenthal, which I am happy with. Last thing I want to hear is that everything else needs to be brought down because they don’t like the ugly mug on the top of this page. Or the fact they don’t like how I talked to the media after they shit on me.
Crap. Total crap. Totally unadulterated crap! Oh the humanity!
So I’ll send out apologies to my friends for just being me, I’ll send out apologies to my online friends for doing the pity party thing lately, and I’ll send out apologies to you — the readers — for having to trek through my day of Crap
Queer guys and the web cam eye
During the past few weeks / months I’ve been on Camarades / ww.com again with my streaming web cam… Personally I can’t view other’s cams for some reason but everyone can view mine. I take this as a way to meet new people to talk to… Or not…
You see, I’ve gotten three distinct types of reactions to having my web cam on and I take offense to all three in one way or another.
The first reaction comes from the homosexual community. No offense to any gays out there — I’m not trying to dis some of you or anything, but asking “Are you gay?” to a guy who has “I AM NOT GAY” on his camera web page just makes you look dim — along with other things. I mean, I am starting to truly understand how much women online get pissed off when guys come onto them to start a conversation. Between the gay comments and guys asking me how often I give myself self-pleasure or something to that extent, it just… eh… UGH…
I got no problem with holding a human conversation with a gay guy, but talking about my sex life… that’s a no no.
The second reaction I get is from the fakers. Who are these? They tend to be either guys posing as girls or girls who aren’t very self confident so they attempt to cover up with pictures of models as who they are. Some go so far as getting a bunch of porn pictures and pushing that as who they are. “Who took these pictures?” “Oh, my sister, she’s crazy.”
Right, you’re going to let your sister take pictures of you taking of your top and rubbing your tits… I believe that :rolleyes
The third distinct type of reaction I get on here — I haven’t gotten very often lately. I’ve gotten it in the past but not so much in the present (thankfully). This is the “Simon says” reaction where everyone requests you do something for them. Them specifically. “Can you take your glasses off.” “Wave at the camera” “Is this real time? Can you stand up and sit down so I can see if this is really happening now?” “Lemme see your penis!”
:rolleyes
Folks, when I have that cam on there is one reason I have it on and one reason alone – for me. If I have friends viewing that camera – then I am joking around on it. I’d like to meet people and talk to them, but I’m not getting into X-Rated discussion with Joe from Denmark who’s waiting for Bob to come over so they can practice there new game, Sodomy by Monitor light. I’m not going to talk about how many times me and Rosie Red Palm date with Susan who is watching 6 kids and eating Oreos as she types. I do have those types of discussions but with people I know and am close to. Not with Joe or Jane Schmoe who I have just met off a camera web site, or someone i have talked to for only a few minutes / hours / days.