Delude

My name is John, and I have a problem.

(this is where you greet me, “Hi, John!”)

For the longest time, I’ve been a dreamer. In a good way, and in a bad way. I like to construct grand things, I like to believe in the best… Or a mountain that you can climb. I sometimes put people on pedestals in this fashion. Placing them atop a pedestal of desire and want.

There are two potential problems with this:

  1. You can get what you want and learn it’s not exactly as you dreamed it would be
  2. You can learn, in the chase, that what you’re after doesn’t want to associated with you

Concerning item #2, I’m not talking about someone being direct and telling you that they’re not interested. I’m saying you learn the hard way that they’re just not that into you.

That’s only the start of my problem.

You see, I delude myself. I start trying to see someone in the best of lights regardless of what the truth is. I want things to work, or to progress… And I keep offering the benefit of the doubt in the ignorance of silence. I construct all sorts of excuses, and sympathize with situations… But in the end, I’m no closer than no where than I was before. The same place I was at the beginning.

The place where things will ultimately end.

I said in 2008 just what I learned when I was hurt int he past, and you know what? I’ve learned nothing. I’ve learned nothing because I fell into the same situation all over again… Or at least I allowed myself to get close to doing such. Again.

I’m a shitless dreamer.  I realize this.  And it hurts.  Without the dream, things feel flat, emotionally.  With the dream?  Things never happen to begin with, because I’m too busy wondering and constructing.  And being stepped on, taken advantage of, or made to feel like I’m 2nd, 3rd, 4th class or less.

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